Today it is really hitting me that I am in this house that is usually filled with laughter, play and the usual little one fights, alone for another 13 days. Sure, I have things planned for me and I will see my girls tonight and Thursday night for dinner. But this side effect of divorce is harder than I ever anticipated it being.
It does not help that they are calling me telling me they are homesick. Crying, asking to come home, telling me they love me over and over again. And it is confusing to them that their dad is leaving them with his girlfriend all day while he works. She seems good with the kids but they are not connected to her and they know it. I have to fight with every part of me not to get into my car and rescue them, virtually saying ‘screw you’ to the divorce papers.
But I can’t. This is the hardest part of the process and I know that. So anger at his ignorance and tears of missing my little ones must be put aside. I can love them from afar, always answer my phone and pray that they are happy there.
But what I can not do it sit around and mope all day and all night. And I can only work so much before my fingers fall off and my head spins into bloggerverse oblivion!
Really… you don’t want that. I might start posting about hair extensions or worse. Kim Kardashian really named her child North West?
So I need to come up with ways to get through this time and not let the quietness of the house get me down.
I did great over the weekend. I grabbed some dear friends and headed out of town. We ate out, stayed in, had morning brunch, walked around a liquor store finding good wine and fun glasses and basically, just unwound for the weekend. It was nice. And when I pulled into my driveway last night, I realized that they gave me the gift of distraction for the first weekend away.
But now it is quiet. Too quiet. And the little voices of “Mommy, I love you. Mommy, I want to come home. Mommy, I miss you.” are resonating off these walls as if I have surround sound. It could drive me crazy if I don’t come up with a way to deal with this.
So right now, I am working away, happy to have the chance to catch up, feeling the strangeness of not being interrupted every 10 minutes. I have Carrie Underwood blasting, drowning out the sweet voices in my head.
When my morning work is done, I think I will hit the store. Stock up on fresh, healthy foods to keep me on my healthier me track. And then I go get the girls. After I see them tonight, I think I’ll walk the dogs in the cool evening air. And then fall into bed, thankful another day has passed until they come home to me.
That is today. Tomorrow I’ll have to figure out something else. Maybe I’ll paint the whole house inside and out to stay distracted. Maybe I’ll change the oil in my car. Brush my dog’s teeth. I don’t know. Maybe you all can help me decide what to do when you miss your kids.
But no matter what gets me through it all, I am thankful for one thing.
These feelings of sadness, confusion and loneliness only makes me love my children more. They make me appreciate the stressful times of raising 3 under 7. They make me want them more than I ever have.
I miss you, my babies…. I can’t wait to have you home again…
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