I was not going to write about this but the more time I spend thinking about it, the more I have to get it off my chest. Because sometimes, you just have to speak up. I have to say, Judging Me as a Mom Does Not Make You Right!
Last night I put a status on my Facebook page about the toys my kids had taken away for spending over 2 hours rejecting my request that they lay their exhausted heads down and go to bed. I didn’t think much of it and figured most parents could relate. I don’t personally know any parents who don’t use this tactic to get their kids attention. After all, it beats a belt to the butt which is what I got at my kid’s age.
The post sat there gaining a few comments from my regular, loyal pals and then comments got a little less positive. Apparently, the post was shared by another blogger in a group that has a very different viewpoint on raising kids than I do. The comments to me called me everything from selfish to mean and nasty to a thief for taking my kids toys from them. My parenting of children was compared to handling a conflict with an adult – namely my husband, which we all know I do not have.
First of all, it is evident that none of the people commenting have ever seen a post of mine in the last 5 years and secondly, how is being mean and hateful to someone you don’t know based on an opinion you have being an open minded, raise children with kindness parent? Judging Me as a Mom Does Not Make You Right
I am an equal opportunity parent. If you want to homeschool, unschool, freestyle parent or anything else, you have my full support. It is what is great about America, you can parent the way you see fit. As long as you are not mentally, physically or psychologically hurting your child and your best intentions are at the forefront of your decisions, I applaud any parent that has responsible, respectful kids.
But for those of you Judging Me as a Mom because my children – who get toys almost daily as part of my job and who have a playroom, a kid’s library, an entire shed as a playhouse outside and an acre of land to play on – lose something to learn a lesson I see fit for them to learn, I say you went too far. Sending me from anger to tears to true sadness simply because you do not agree and using your computer to spat hateful opinions at me is not OK. Calling me names and telling me I am mean and nasty for a parenting style that is not abusive or regarded as harmful in any way – other than in your opinion – is not only short sighted, it is somewhat ignorant.
Yes, I realize I will be hammered for that last statement.
But how else am I to take it? How am I supposed to take personal attacks on my parenting for a choice I made in attempting to teach my kids that what mom says is to be heard and respected? Am I supposed to just say, ‘OK, you are right. I should sit on the end of their bed – that they are jumping on which is against the rules – try to reason with three tired and overly excited children – who are throwing toys at each other which is also against the rules – and explain to them that their bodies will be so thankful if they would just lay down and go to bed?’
If that is what I am supposed to do then I guess you can just think I am a bad parent. Three kids 8 and under, exhaustion from not having a bedtime at their dads for 10 days, extra exhausted because it took me until MIDNIGHT the night before to get them to bed – they lost nothing then – NEED to learn that when mom says it is time to lay down and be quiet, it is time to lay down and be quiet.
See, those of you judging me, you don’t know that bedtime is at 8 here and that by the time they lost things, it was 10. You don’t know that I spent an hour trying to calm them, reading to them, helping them count backwards and so on. You don’t know that I consider myself to be a pretty lenient parent when all is said and done. You don’t know that I am a single mom supporting three kids while working from home and spending any spare time learning and trying to understand how to be a better parent.
You don’t know anything about me except that I posted on my page about my kids losing THINGS in order to get them the valuable sleep that my kids need.
For those who called me selfish, I fell asleep 5 minutes after they did. So I did not put them to bed so I could have time to myself. I also got up at 5 am so I could work and be done so I could spend their vacation days with them. I also got up at 5 this morning.
For those who called me mean, ask me about my early childhood and the pain I suffered at the hands of my birth parents and then tell me again that losing a toy for a few days is mean.
For those who called me a thief for taking the things I gave my kids for Christmas until they can behave correctly and earn them back. Let me show you the 15 other gifts each one got that are still under the tree, yet to be played with.
For those who think I am raising selfish, rude children who care nothing about others, read my Facebook page. Learn about our days of kindness that we do, learn about how we give back, learn about the compliments my kids get because they have manners and use them everywhere we go. Pay attention to my #GratefulGiveaways and learn a little more about who I am as a person. Not a single post on a page full of other amazing things.
I am a good mother with tried and true methods for raising my kids. I will not apologize if they do not mesh with yours. I will not be forced to change them because you disagree. I will listen to constructive, well meaning advice. I will open my mind to suggestion and decide if the method works for my kids. I will always strive to be kind, generous and respectful of you.
I simply ask the same in return.
Good for you! We each raise our children in the best way we know how. I’m proud of you for standing your ground, and for standing up for yourself.
Thank you so much!! I appreciate the support :)
don’t listen to them you are doing great!!
Thank you so much!!
I am proud of you for sticking to what you believe in. I have kids that threaten to leave because we are mean and don’t let them do anything. I tell them all the time to go but go with what is on your back because I bought and paid for EVERYTHING and you are not entitled to any of it. So call me mean,hateful a thief whatever until you are the parent of my kids do not judge me there is only one judge I worry about and so far he has not struck me down for my kid handling. By the way my kids are now 18,17 and 14 and I have 2 grand baby’s and all still choose to stay with Mommy.
Sounds to me like you are doing what you need to do to raise good kids! Thank you so much for the support!
You go gurl! I stand behind you 110%!!! Moms do not need to tear each other down for the choices they make with their children. You kids will not be psychological scarred for life because you did this, but I bet they learned a lesson – do what Mom asks when Mom asks. So glad you wrote this, and keep up the good work!
THANK YOU! we have enough stress without beating up on each other
I hope my response of their only young for a little while wasn’t taken as being mean. I too am a single mom with NO help and just trying to give ya something that I have to remind myself on a daily basis. You are NOT wrong in taking things away. For those that think you are ignorant. I always say until you’ve walked in my shoes for a few days. …….I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! Don’t let the haters get ya!
I am a HUGE believer in giving my kids the best childhood possible. Until I was adopted at 8, mine was not great at all. So I agree they are only young once. It also means that you have limited time to mold their choices. So yes, they are young but still have to have boundaries. I so appreciate your reaching out!
I am so sorry for all of the hateful comments that were left. Someone should not tell you that way you raise your kids is wrong, everyone has different ways of raising kids and different opinions. I personally feel like you are doing a great job and I love your blog.
I agree! Thank you so much!
you showed your kids that their actions do have a consequence, something they need to be aware of in life.
Thank you – I think they all need to learn that sooner than later!
Yeah you! Do not let others tear you down.
Thank you!!! :)
My heart breaks for you. I can’t believe people go on the attack the way they do! We all do the best we can as parents, and we all parent differently. Those who criticize have probably never been in your shoes. Please don’t take these insensitive comments to heart. God bless you and your precious family.
Thank you so much. Most days I have a pretty thick skin but today, it stung. I so appreciate your support!
You are a great mom! I would have done the same and been just as upset over the comments left. Thank you for standing up for yourself!
Thank you so much!!!
Toys are a privilege and not a right. There is nothing wrong with taking them away as long as there is a way for the kids to earn them back. I work with juveniles that have gotten in trouble with the law and I wish more parents would do what you are doing and teach their kids these lessons early on.
See- I have heard the same thing. I can’t let my kids grow up to be burdens, I just can’t! Thank you!!
I’m so glad you decided to respond! I was angry when I read some of the totally inappropriate responses from your original post! I am a grandma now but when my daughter was younger I also took away her toys when she refused to listen after repeating my requests several times( I do not and never have believed in corporal punishment). It was an effective punishment. Today my daughter has ha masters degree. She has two boys ages 1& 2. She is a behavior analysts for children with special needs. She is loving, giving and a fantastic mom!! It is so sad how women tend to tear each other apart based on their parenting styles! I say stop!! We need to love and support each other, this is one important way to teach your children to love and respect everyone regardless of their differences. Lori keep doing what you are doing you are a fantastic Mother and never forget that!
Thank you so much Crystal!! I am trying my best and I think that is all that we can ask of ourselves! I am so humbled to have so much support. Thank you
Awesome job! My kids lost their toys right after christmas a year ago and are still earing them back.everytime we gave them back they would do something a week later and lose them again. We have 7 kids and we changed the rules this Christmas santa got them 1 toy each and we got them clothes and a tablet. If they dont do their chores they dont get time on their tablets.
WOW- 7 kids!! Bless you! And thank you! I so believe kids have to learn and they use visual skills to do it more than listening skills. Thank you so much for your comments!
I’m so sorry you had to be so disrespected about your parenting style. We all have to do whatever it is that works with our particular children—for mine (a 10 yr old), I take away technology items (computer time, etc). If we didn’t use something to make our children respect the rules, people would say we were ‘spoiling’ them. I hoping you are feeling better now and know that there are many out there who applaud you as a Mom (myself included!).
Thank you so much. I appreciate your support more than you know!!
I think you are going a great job.Haters gonna hate.Keep doing what your heart tells you.You have great girls.Not everyone can take there children to restaurants and they behave.You go girl.
Thank you so much! I took all three of mine with my parents yesterday and they were perfect so I must be doing something right :)
Girl, you rock! I admit I take toys away, sometimes it it the only way for kids to learn! No one should attack someone else because their opinions don’t mesh with someone else’s. That is not right. And some people need to recall that as the parents we own all the things our children get to play with. Therefore you were simply removing things you own from their play room for a specific amount of time that you set. No harm, no foul. And maybe, just maybe, a lesson learned.
Yep, yep, yep!! Thank you so much!!!
I take privileges from my kids all the time. It is effective! My kids are older (12) and what is important to them is computer time. They lose screens (tv, ps3, ds, and phones) as well as the use of the computer. I have been taking privileges away for a long time, since they were little. I don’t beat my kids, I don’t scream at them, call them names, or injure them in any way. It is like a timeout, but for the toys. It has worked and my kids are, for the most part, well behaved. My inlaws think I am ridiculous because my kids have a bedtime and I make them stick to it. I watch what they eat, limit candy, and stick to a schedule. But my situation is a little different because my kids have autism spectrum disorder and when they go off schedule they get very difficult. Everyone parents differently. How you parent your children is up to you and you alone. No one has the right to step in unless the children are getting physically or emotionally injured. Timing out their toys is not an injury, in fact this particular method of parenting was suggested by a therapist when my children were little. So therefore, you are not doing anything wrong, you are in the right. Keep up the good work! And for all those who feel the need to stick their noses into something they know nothing about? Well there will always be someone who has something negative to say, just ignore them. They are probably the people who stared and puh-puhed me when my autistic son was having a meltdown in the store because it was too overwhelming for him with the lights and the mass quantity of people, and all the noise. Tell them to pull the log out of their own eye before they start picking on you!
THANK YOU!! I am so glad that you took the time to post this very thoughtful comment. I am also glad that you shared that a therapist suggested the same thing. It is so hard teaching kids to mind and I think this method works great! I so appreciate you!
You seem like a terrific mother. We all have to teach our children right from wrong and to be considerate of others. We do want them to grow up to be decent adults.
Aww -thank you so very much!!
I completely agree with you. I am a single mom of two working full time. My children are well mannered and I believe it is how they have been raised. If they do something I take away toys so they have to earn them back. Way to stand up for yourself and your kids!
Thank you so much!! All we can do is our best!
As a single mom to 4, 14 and under, who works outside the home, I give you kudos on all fronts! I know how difficult it is to want what is best for your children, to be met with resistance from them, and to have to take measures for them to cooperate. We all, as moms, need love and understanding too! I certainly do not see that your choices were detrimental to your children, nor do those choices make you a bad or terrible mother. Sending hugs your way!
Thank you Laurel and I give YOU huge kudos! Your job is a lot harder than mine! Thank you for the support!!
I think that this was a well worded response. When I saw you original post I thought that you were just like me. In fact that is one of the things I like best about you, that you discipline your kids in a fitting manner. You provide boundaries and consequences which are things that kids truly need. You are doing a wonderful job and you can see that your kids are thriving.
Thank you so much. I sure try to!
What a great post!! Pardon my French, but screw those people. No one should judge your parenting style as long as your aren’t abusing your kids. Disagreement is fine, but shaming and judging is wrong. I think you answered them eloquently. Good on you
Thank you so much :)
Wondering how many of the kids that the mothers who were bashing you are hellions. I am a granny and i believe whole-heartedly that kids expect boundaries and discipline. We all have use what is most effective in dealing with our kids. What worked with my son 32 yrs ago didn’t work with my daughter 28 yrs ago and neither way works with my grandsons 6 and 2. As long as they know they are loved and believe me discipline comes from loving them and as long as they grow up respectful and know that for every play-day there is a pay-day then it is up to you as the one who gave birth to them to decide how to dicipline them. I applaud you for having the will-power to do all you do on your page while single-handily raising your children. Working at home is a lot more work than going outside the house to make $$. God Bless and keep doing what you know/feel is best.
Thank you so much! You have been there and it means a lot to have your support!
Lori, as a single parent of 4 I know what tough bed times and getting our kids to do what we ask when we ask feels like…like pulling teeth, I don’t think i am good or bad as a mom …just doing the best I can…I have so got your back girl! My kids are now 8-19 so spanking is a no:) You take what motivates them….tough love …tougher love bare walls, boot camp…lol whatever it takes! They need to listen and respect your authority and you deserve some sleep :)…I must be a real monster to some and i am a laid back pretty simple parent…I tell my kids they don’t own anything when they get rough with me…it is not stealing to encourage our children to cooperate as a team/family…no one has a right to judge you…as long as your children are safe…and I would hope compassion and help would come first before judgement s :( Everyone parents different and i see nothing wrong with yours and if i did that would be my problem not yours:) I am sorry you had to see hateful judgmental comments….are kids not supp to be parented or disciplined anymore? I no longer let unwanted, & unwarranted criticism affect me…..I would stand up if i felt something was hurtful or abusive…but I never need to add negativity. You sound like you are doing good, doing what works for you! You have my back:) always Blessings, Dawn
Thank you so much. We do what we have to do to get our kids to pay attention to what is right. Short of abuse, judgement is unfair – thank you for commenting!
Well said, Lori—I’m sorry you had to deal with this nonsense! You’re a wonderful person and a great mom with well-brought-up kids who themselves will be amazing women!
Happy New Year!
Thank you and Happy New year to you too!
lori, please know that not all mothers judge the way you parent. Yes, we all have different styles. It’s what works best for our children and family situation. Each child is different. I just don’t understand why we as mothers have to tear each other down when we should be building each other up. And I’m concerned that this other group feels the need to judge someone they don’t even know…. For teaching a consequence. You are doing a fabulous job. Your kids love you and are growing successfully. Holidays and split schedules are so hard on little bodies. Hopefully by today they are back on track. Happy New Year to you!
Thank you so much!!
Lori: Like the others have said, you go, girl. I’m a single mom, too, and while taking stuff away from my kids has never worked for them, a lot of my other friends have used that parenting technique successfully. As a single mom, I know the value you’re striving for, and let me tell you: my kids are older now — pre-teen and teen — and they know that Mom sets consistent rules and is firm but kind (and fun). They appreciate the stability the rules of my household gives them, and while they aren’t exposed to negative influences for as long as your kids, they are always glad to come home to the stability and firm kindness again.
Keep toeing the line. You’re doing great.
I so appreciate the support!!!
Lori, very good article…and i applaud you! :) kuddos!
Oh honey, thank you so much for this post. I didn’t read the other one, and although I am a facebook fan of yours, have admittedly never really read your blog. I don’t have internet at home currently, so when I get to use it I try to use my time wisely…which is pretty much catching up with loved ones who live far away. I saw this post though, and it caught my eye because I was just discussing how badly I’ve seen kids misbehave in the store I work at…. If taking away their toys until they earn them back is mean… their father and I are straight Nazi’s because before they opened one single gift for Christmas
(days before, in fact) I threatened that each of my children (or the one who frequently misbehaved) would have to blindly choose, open and then personally donate a toy that they just got. They tend to listen to their Dad way more often than me you see, and I was tired of disrespect. I laid down the law and let me say, not only did they earn the right to keep their toys back, but we’ve also started a chore chart and a once-a-month competition between the two of them, where winner gets a toy they pick (within reasonable pricing.) Rules are loser can’t play with it for one whole week after the other one gets it, since that’s probably how long it will take to get bored of it anyway. They are close in age and both girls, so naturally they fight over ev-er-y-thing, I would desperately like to end that before they hit the teenage years and I have to get hubs to add on a padded room for my sanity. LOL Nonetheless, I think what you did was perfectly fine and respect you even more for standing up to people who were flat out disrespectful. I don’t push my beliefs, parenting styles, dieting habits or anything else on others and absolutely cannot stand when others do it to me!
I love that idea, that they have to pick a toy. What a great motivation to work together. Yes, the kids fight over everything! I hope you stick around, I appreciate your spending some of your precious time on little ole me :)
Sometimes I feel like other mom bloggers just like to cause drama and try to get noticed on their own pages by bashing someone else’s parenting style. It’s so sad that we all just can’t agree to acknowledge differences in parenting without telling each other how wrong we are. It should be: “What works for my family may not work for yours, and vice versa, but hey, good job on trying to raise your kids your way!” If we’re not abusive, then it’s our business how we parent, just like many other commenters here said above. When my kids misbehave or don’t listen, then they lose privileges as well. They need to earn them back by following the rules. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, that’s how the adult world works. If we don’t follow the rules at work, we lose our job. If we don’t obey the traffic laws, we can lose our license. By taking privileges away from our kids when they don’t listen, we are teaching them how the real world works. Kudos to you, Mom!!
I agree, though I try to uplift bloggers. But that is me. I so appreciate the support!
I love that phrase, “equal opportunity parent” – I consider myself the same. My parenting ‘style’ has organically changed from child to child. I’ve learned new methods, adapted, and changed so many times through the years with my own 10 children that when well meaning friends and new parents ask me for advice, I simply leave it at this… you do the best you can with what you know, then you do better. No two parents make the same choices, have the same parenting style or believe in the same philosophies. Parenting is hard enough, do we really need sanctimommies of the world telling us how we are screwing it up? I don’t think so. Time, and experience will one day bring even those most sanctimonious mothers a humbling experience where they will learn to not be so darn judgmental. Until then, give them a forgiving smile because one day… their time will come.
I agree 100% Thank you!
I’m sure you have gotten shitty comments in the past being a blogger. I say to hell with what people think. Don’t let it get to you.
LOL- yes, I have – not quite this bad, but yes :)
I just want to say you go girl. I saw this post a few days ago and was meaning to post about it. Being a blogger is sometimes rough due to the comments and opinions that ones feel to release. I say keep being a great mom and a awesome lady!
Those judgemental folks are the same who would also criticize you if your kids were overly tired the next day so what is a mom to do? Thankfully (hopefully) you were able to see who you will be avoiding in the future. It’s unfortunate that there are some out in the world who think their way is the only way and misuse the Internet to bash other people. I do hope that trait doesn’t get passed on to their children. And please…a thief? Because you took their toys away? Hmmm. I haven’t heard that one before but maybe I’m out of the trending parenting terms loop. Just do what you have to do and pretend the rude folks aren’t there. Behavior speaks for itself. I hope your week is off to a good start!
Thank you and I so agree!! With some, we can do nothing right!
As a mom of only two I still understand your pain. I only have boys and when I grew up I grew up with no rules whatsoever and I feel that taking away toys for a few days is a great non life altering punishment. When my oldest son was three I would get the vacuum out and tell him that if he didn’t get the toys picked up the vacuum would pick them up for him. It was a great motivator! You go Momma for sticking to your guns and doing what you see is best for your little ones!
Thank you so much!!
All I gotta say is you had better be glad I didn’t see them saying things, I would have tore them a new one! As a parent you try everything before you bust that butt (last resort), because spankings do not work with some children and some it does. You are doing a great job, even though I want homework and you don’t, you are still a great mom! As you get older you will care less and less about what these other people think! Yes I am old, but as a parent you do the best you can and no one should be judging you at all! None of their business! Maybe they should be looking in their own backyards, before they start judging you. You know after I get out of your blog I am going looking to see what was said..rotfl. I am not on here all the time so I miss a lot of things! HUGS! Don’t let someone that doesn’t even know you affect you. They are classless and ignorant and should probably educate themselves on parenting..lol.
Thank you Pamela! And you are NOT old!! LOL And i see your point on homework, I just wish it were not so stressful on the household! Thanks for being a great reader :)
You are an awesome mom. Ignore the haters. ♡
Thank you Tracey!
Seriously what the heck. You, and everyone else, can discipline your children any ay you like as long as they aren’t seriously hurt. I am 23 years old and even when I was kid I got the belt too. I
Yea, you would think we would all let each other parent….
Seriously what the heck. You, and everyone else, can discipline your children any ay you like as long as they aren’t seriously hurt. I am 23 years old and even when I was kid I got the belt too. I am not a fan of that method but I do not see a swat on the butt as bad at all. Whoever said those things about you needs to back off and we can just laugh when karma comes around and their kids grow up to be little snots and disrespectful because they didn’t learn to listen and respect what their parents say at a young age.
LOL- I do love me some karma!! :) Thank you so much for taking the time to comment :)
Growing up, I also got the belt. I feel physically ill when I see someone hit their children (not a swat on the butt but the ones where the parent is so angry they no longer appear in control of themselves). I read almost every post you write and never once have I thought… she sucks as a parent. I see love in each post you write about parenting and I see a single Mom trying to learn more and be the best Mom she can be. Yes, we all make mistakes but I don’t see losing the privilege of a few toys for a few days as something horrible. We are all entitled to our own opinions (my Mom always taught me that if I didn’t have something nice to say or that if my honesty would deliberately hurt someone than I should just keep it to myself) and my own personal opinion is that you are a pretty darn awesome Mom. Keep doing what you are doing because you have some pretty sweet little girls that will appreciate you for it in the long run.
WOW! YOU are so amazing for commenting with such kind words!! I try, I really do, but I think we all do, for the most part. The judgement hurts the most… if only we all just supported one another, you know? And THANK YOU for being an awesome reader :)
Yes. That’s the only word really that I feel about this post. But, yes again.
I’m a mom and just like you I deal with my girls who though they may get tired or just not want to clean up, or go to bed, somethings are necessary for our kids to realize that they need to do what’s asked.
A few days ago, their Dad and I asked them to clean up their room. 2 out of 3 didn’t clean their corners, so at 3 am what was on the floor got taken away to the thrift store. And a day after, their room was dirty again, so we asked they clean it. I think I gave them 2 days. 2 out of 3 of our girls cleaned up but our 6 yr old has more often than her sister’s bouts of not caring about getting rid of toys, not in an obstinate way but less caring of materials and more apt to offer things up for the give away pile when we sort. So I cleaned it and hand picked a couple toys to be given away as a lesson so that she may learn to pick up or it gets given away.
Now I don’t do it to be cruel. I do it so they learn the lessons that will help them when they are old enough to have adult reprucussions. And like you, I am lenient. I show considerarion just in case they’re not feeling well or up to it they are given time. And my 13 yr old picks up her stuff when asked and I only hope for my 6 and 7 yr old girls to grow into that maturity by these lessons.
As a mom and Grandma, (Which I find being a grandma is so much more fun-LOL) I’ve seen and done just about all of it. I imagine that the people who criticize you are the same ones, who’s children have a hard time accepting reponsibility for their own actions or will have a hard time. The fact that they attacked you was ridiculous. No one came with instruction booklets and we strive to make our kids and grandkids lives better than our own. If Possible. I was truly blessed with wonderful parents, and I’m so sorry so many of you weren’t. Most of the children in our neighborhood hung out at my house, because they felt the love that came from my parents. I pass that love on to you, and your children. They are blessings. The light of your heart. How can anyone criticize your heart, Who can know what you carry there? No one but you and your lord, whoever that may be. Until that time.. Raise your kids, however way you are guided, Cherish these times, and forget the negative naysayers. Love and light to you and yours!
Trolls will be trolls. I say that in agreement with what you said (not to diminish your experience).
Thanks for this blog. I just found it today. I feel like I could have written many of these posts. Sorry people are jerks, but I appreciate what you write.
You’re right, you will get called on that statement of “somewhat ignorant.” You should have called it what it is which is total and complete ignorance on their part. Their parenting styles are why it’s almost impossible for me to now hire an employee who will actually do the work and not think I’m obligated to give them a job. I should be more forgiving for their supposed excuses on why things didn’t get done. Maybe I’m a bad employer for taking away their checks when they don’t do what they’re supposed to do. Kind of how we raise kids to understand that actions have consequences. Rock on.