I am sitting at a Starbucks, laptop open, typing away. I am checking posts, stats and searching for new ways to bring income into my home with my business. My oldest is at school but my two other daughters are next to me, creating funny faces on a app on their phone. My mom guilt is on overdrive. Yes, they are having fun, the laughter proves it, but I feel like I should be giving them my undivided attention. But I also have to be able to feed them and, with it becoming harder and harder to make an income doing blog work, I feel like I have to be on alert for the new things coming out that could help. I am a good mom. I am. I know that. But sometimes I wish I were a better mom. That mom that does everything for her kids. I feel like I am just too busy and can’t get the problem solved. I would like to be a better mom but I am so busy.
My kids don’t want for anything. At all. They live in a nice house that I fought to keep for them, ride around in a nice car, shop at the stores their friends do and belong to every club they want to. But it is not lost on me that that may not be enough. Nor will it really matter in their development.
They won’t tell their kids how cool the outfit they wore in 4th grade was. They will tell them about trips and adventures and movie nights and time with their mom. I wonder if I am giving them enough of those memories to share?
I know I should cut myself a break. I am a single mom to three daughters, running a business from my home that makes sure I can take them to school and pick them up from the bus. I rarely miss school events and take them anywhere they want to go. They have been to more adventure parks and vacations than most of their friends thanks to my work and used to get every new toy imaginable in the house before it hit shelves.
But the guilt is a constant underlay of my day. I get up super early, between 5 – 6am usually, and work. I get the kids up, try to make some sort of breakfast for my oldest – currently she is on a sausage and waffle kick – which we usually take to-go, and then spend an hour dropping kids off at school. In between is this Starbucks stop which really means 25 minutes of work.
I then drop my other kids off at school and head home for an hour of work, feeding the dogs and try to cram breakfast down. I then go to CrossFit.
Now, you may ask… ‘if you are so busy why do you spend an hour going to workout?’
Because if I didn’t I would literally implode. It is my ONLY stress relief and I rely on it as my therapy. I have to do something other than sit in front of this computer and I have to feel like I am taking care of myself.
I then head home with my assistant who works out with me and we go balls to the wall for 4 and a half hours. Emails, phone calls, client meetings – lots of client meetings – emails, phone calls, pictures, emails, phone calls, exhaustion.
When my assistant leaves my oldest is already home. I do talk to her about her day and sometimes take a moment to go shoot basketball with her. Her sisters are home 30 minutes later.
The the evening starts. Dinner, homework, picking up the house – if I can find the time at all – settling arguments, baths, reading and then I sit down and read to them. I read for about 20 minutes.
Then it is bedtime and I get to scroll emails, make my lists, answer client messages, track down clients who are refusing to pay me for work, list the things I did not get done today and plan the day tomorrow. Then feed the dogs again.
I still have not paid the bills, done laundry, done the dishes, gone to the grocery store or really cleaned the house or taken a shower.
I still feel the pressure to do more. To work harder. To spend less. To hire more help so I can work more and bring in more income. To fire my help so I don’t have to work so hard. To work harder so I can have my assistant full time, so I can hire more employees so that I can be more productive and never have to worry about money.
So I can spend more time with my kids. Making memories that matter. Before I wake up and they are gone… being too busy in their own lives.
I would like to be a better mom but I am just so busy.