**Originally Published April 5, 2011**
Bedtime in this house is challenging, to say the least. A constant dance of whose going to break first… the parent or the child… multiplied by 3. We know we have done it wrong and we know we are paying the consequences of our inconsistencies and spoiling.
So we expect it. Every night.
Tonight Katie is sick – strep throat – so with a 102 fever, Amoxicillin in her system and tucked into her daddy’s strong arms, she drifted off peacefully, like we wish she would every night.
Megan went down fine, a few ‘Mama’s’ and yells, and then I heard her curl up and knew she was falling asleep.
Sarah is my fighter. She cries, she kicks, she screams, and she comes in and out over and over again until we finally have to get stern and let her cry herself to sleep.
I did not want that tonight so after I put Megan in her crib, I went into Sarah’s room, curled her in my arms and rocked her on her bed.
I thought, “I wish I had a rocking chair.”
And then the memories came flooding back. Of night after night after night, nursing and singing, rocking and patting, pushing non existent tussles of hair from her brow. Watching her baby eyes roll into sleep, hearing her breathe and grunt in her peace – a mother’s love song, I used to think.
I remember telling myself I would count to 100 rocks and then lay her down. But 100 would come and go, turn to 1000, and I would keep counting, keep rocking, keep inhaling. I wanted to get away, to have some time for myself and my husband, but I did not want to leave.
So I rocked and rocked and rocked… like I did tonight.
I wish I had a rocking chair.
I remember rocking Katie, my first born, late into the night. Falling asleep with her in my arms and waking still not wanting to let her go. Reveling in the beauty and peace that can be compared to nothing else in this world… no matter the imagination. Her eyes running back and forth beneath her lids, her lips pursed and sucking imaginary milk.
And my Megan. So gentle and sweet… easy to rest, peaceful in sleep. Tiny and warm curled in my arms. I didn’t count with her… I just rocked… and rocked… and rocked.
I want it all back. Those days of oblivion, when rocking a baby to sleep was the norm and not the exception. Where I could spend all night just being with them, protecting them, and watching them.
I can’t do it now. They are growing. There are no rocking chairs in their rooms anymore. It has been moved to the back patio. No creak of the well used seat when I sit with the weight of a child ready to snuggle closely, letting their head’s move back and forth to the rhythm of the chair. No comfort in their fuzzy heads after a rough day.
I wish I had a rocking chair.
Now I have to find space for them on my lap. Their legs dangle off the side. Their heads so heavy that my arms fall asleep in minutes from their weight, their torsos barely fitting. I have to hold onto them so they don’t slide off.
I thought of the next time I might get to sit and rock a baby or child so small she still fits in my lap. Chances are it will be my Grandchildren, visiting with their mother’s, snuggled to my breast. I wonder if I will count to 100, slower than I should, stretching it out as long as I can… not wanting to put them down… or give them back.
I’ll listen to the creak of the old chair, well worn from the years of watching my children grow from my patio. Feel the baby breath on my neck, listen to her little noises, so tiny and definite. Sighs of contentment rising from her chest.
I’ll hear her mother in a more than familiar voice asking if I rocked her so lovingly as a baby, and I will answer:
“This is why God made rocking chairs. So that when a woman sits in one, she remembers what it was like to rock her children, one by one, until they fit no more. So that she has a place to sit and watch them grow, and play, and learn, and be. So that the simple sound of the rocking brings back the years that were too short, the child that grew too fast, and the woman who grew in love. And so that one day, after her children are long gone, with families of their own, a Sunday afternoon on a breezy day, a picnic, a grandbaby, and a rocking chair can bring it all back… as if it were yesterday.
Yes, my love, I rocked you. And every time I sit in it, I am rocking you again.”
I am glad I have a rocking chair.
Your last paragraph had me crying. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time with bedtime. I remember rocking my son and nursing him and crying him because I was so exhausted.
I remember being on vacation in the Ozark Mountains with the cool breeze rocking in a rocking chair and being so happy.
<3
They do bring back wonderful memories, don’t they? Not every night is bad – like tonight was not awful… just a reminder of what time has passed. Thank you Melissa! ;)
Oh Lori. Your post tonight made me bawl. I just read your post after rocking my baby girl tonight. She went to bed like she always does, but a little bit ago I heard her rolling around trying to get comfy. So I just went in there, scooped her up, and rocked. She’s back to sleep and I got another moment with her tonight. Just me and her. I love her heavy breathing and warm milky breath. I love to snuggle her squishy little body. And I hate to put her down. Even though I know I should go to bed myself. Love your post friend!
Thank you Courtney. It goes so fast and though everyone in the world says don’t do it, I would never pass up a good snuggle! ;)
Oh my! What an awesome post! It takes me back so easily to when my daughter was little. Thank you for the mental journey, you have such a way with words.
Aww- thank you Annette! I am so glad it came across and that so many are being taken back! And thank you for reading!
Looks like your blog is just the encouragement I need. I have 2 young children and my husband travels more than he is home. We moved last year (ie closest family is 4 hrs. away) and have yet to get quite settled. Following from your Wed. hop. Glad to have found you!
I am here for you Cricket! I am honest, sentimental, and crazy! The perfect combo for an nutty mother! LOL Welcome and I look forward to getting to know you!
I am on my way to your blog!
What a fantastic post! The years go by so quickly. I miss so badly the cuddling with my kids. They still cuddle a little, but at almost 16 and 12 cuddling with mom isn’t top priority.
I can imagine that it is not! I wish it were. It seems so unfair sometimes that the small years go so fast. Childhood should be longer or adulthood should be more cuddly! ;)
Wow! What a beautiful touching post. Thanks for sharing. It made me cry and it changed the way I looked at rocking chairs. My husband always loves to rock our baby. But I always scold him and tell him not to spoil the baby and to try to put him on the crib so he can sleep on his own. I always dread nap time and sleep time because it is so hard for me to sit in the rocking chair for minutes and hours maybe and rock my baby to sleep. I would rather be doing something else. I just realized that I should be enjoying it and looking forward to it like my husband does because they grow up fast and I wouldn’t be able to rock them again. :)
I know the feeling Aimee – especially when you have things that have to get done. But I miss those days now and wish I could have them back. So the old adage I used to hear is true, “No one ever wished their house were cleaner, but they wish they had spent more time with their kids.” I try to remember that- even though I know I have so much to do! It goes soooo soooo fast!!
That was beautiful!! I love rocking my lil one to sleep. I have the rocking chair my mom used with me and my brother too.
Oh wow – so you really have tradition in yours. I think that is amazing! Bless your little one as they rock where you once did!
This is just beautiful. I wept after reading–wept for me, for my son, and for my mother who is no longer with us. Thank you.
God bless Wendy. And thank you for reading. It means so much to me that it touched you so…
Thank you for reminding me how precious each and every bedtime should be. This was a beautiful post, and I am so glad that I saw it tonight. My baby is about to turn two, and I can’t believe how fast the time has gone. I hope that tomorrow night she will let me take a few extra minutes to snuggle so I can keep the memory close!
I know…. it all goes so fast. I am glad I could be a gentle reminder of such precious times! Enjoy your snuggles!
You write so beautifully Lori. Took me back to not so long ago when my babies were tiny & I loved nothing more than to hold them while they slept, never wanting to let go. Such precious moments that you have expressed so exquisitely.
WOW Fi… I do not even know how to respond to such a wonderful comment. I am so glad I could take you back. It was a precious time and I hope everyone can remember it just as it was…
Now I want a rocking chair. I miss the glider I used to have when the girls were smaller. Thank you for this. I too rush bedtime. They grow so fast.
Your welcome Aimee… I know… it just flies by. One day, I’ll wish this crazy time back!
This brought tears to my eyes. I love to rock my little one even still we will rock and rock. Wonderful post. oh, and bed time is not easy at my house either. We have a wild man who is a night owl like his mom.
Awesome post. Love your rocking chair. Its amazing what we hold on to just for memories.
Lori this is beautiful! As I was reading I envisioned my own babies in my arms. I miss the little baby hands, and the little baby snuggling. They are just too “busy” for me now. :(
Oh thank you. Yes – they leave this phase way too fast