This has been a crazy summer for my kids so far. I have been ill, as you guys know, so the going and doing has been cut to a minimum. I try to keep them occupied with other things besides television but – let’s face it – a 5, 4 and 2 year old need activity.
So the day I was released from the hospital I made my husband stop off at the kids cheer gym and dug deep into my scantily lined pockets. I dropped almost $400 for them to go to cheer camp for 3 days, 9 – 4pm, this week. Yes, a steep price to pay, but I trust the gym and the activities were non stop. Cheer, tumbling, face painting, acting, singing, a movie at the movie theater across the street, lunch and so on. They were geared up to have a wonderful time and I could have an additional week to rest, get caught up and have three days to myself this summer.
We talked about camp for a week. The girls went to bed early, got up excited, dressed and got ready without fuss and were over all super – DUPER excited about it.
Even Megan, who has never been to pre-school or babysat really, ran in happily to enjoy the fun.
The first day was a short day – I picked them up at 2pm. I missed them but was glad for the break. Before I could even get them in the car and ask them how their day was, the begging for MORE started! ‘Mom, can we go to Cherry Berry?’, ‘Mom, can we go to Target?’, ‘Mom, can we go to Walmart and get colors and cookies and toys ’cause we need more!’, ‘MOOOM, we’re bored!!!’
HUH?
No ‘Thank you for the day, Mom.’, No ‘We really had fun and can’t wait to go back!’, No ‘That was awesome, Mom! YOU are awesome and the queen of all things fabulous!’ OK – so maybe that is a stretch. But a simple thank you would not hurt them. Especially being raised by a mom who sees good manners and gratefulness for what you have as more important than just about anything else.
The next two days were the same thing. Except they were late days. I did not pick them up until 4pm. But even exhausted the demands to give more, do more, have more started before we even got into the car. I’ll be honest, I almost cried with frustration at their ungratefulness.
Now, before I go on, I will say that, I really REALLY try not to spoil my kids. I am of the thought process that kids should be told no and often lest they drain me of my entire retirement fund trying to get bigger and better things. Besides, between birthday’s, holidays and other trinkets they get throughout the year, I could go forever not having to purchase anything from them but clothing.
And food. They have to be fed. It’s the law.
So when we are in a store and they ask for things, overwhelmingly the answer is NO! And NO… and NO… and ‘you don’t need that’… and NO! So I really do not understand why my kids think that they get to have everything that they want, no matter what?
So the question is: Are ungrateful kids the product of Nature or Nurture?
I see on Facebook almost daily moms complaining that their kids are ungrateful. That they bleed them dry with “I want” and “Can I have” and “Give me that”! I am inclined to believe that these are really good moms that set reasonable boundaries so it has to be nature that causes this ungrateful trait in kids.
However, I also see moms that give their kids anything and everything they want and they say Thank You and I appreciate it and they take care of what they get. Instead of flinging them against the wall just to see if they would ‘hold up’ to the structure. True story.
So they must nurture their kids to be grateful for what they have and get.
If it is nature, then how do I pay nature off to take this trait away? And if it is nurture, what am I doing wrong? And if it is both, can you please send me a bottle – and by bottle I mean case – of wine.
Because if I hear one more time that the ‘$400 week at cheer camp is over so what are you doing for me next?’, I might just have to run screaming from the house to the nearest insane asylum.
And parenting class. ‘Cause clearly I am doing something wrong!
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I think it’s human nature….and doesn’t seem to matter, in my experience whether we over indulge, underindulge, or have a good balance. We were recently on a fun day trip with the kids….went to an air museum, park, train store, and candy store….and my nearly 8 year old had the nerve to throw a fit over not getting ice cream. SERIOUSLY?! I was incredibly unimpressed…..in situations like this I generally respond with a scripted version of what I would rather hear her say….similar to your examples….*Oh, thanks mom for this fun day. How nice that daddy used his off take us somewhere fun. Maybe we can go for ice cream another day and have another date?* and so on. It gets the point across. It’s difficult not to connect it to ungratefulness for sure and it’s probably my biggest parenting pet peeve. My kids often ask for new toys, but they both know that we are not adding anything more into our house and, in fact, are trying to simplify…I realized with them that the GETTING was more important than the HAVING…sometimes they forget about the item by the time we get home. And I want to have things that help us build memories not accumulate stuff. In addition, they also know that until they are stellar at keeping their spaces clean and orderly {ie cleaning up toys} they aren’t getting any more.
Interestingly this is something I see all around in adults….how many adults do you see always wanting bigger and better…more more more…..newer, best, etc. I see it all around. One thing I’m trying to help our kids understand is gratitude for what we have. We have a beautiful home {that needs lots of work, but we are excited for that challenge too}…and actually – we have a home! That is something to be grateful for. We do things together….baking cookies all the way to holidays {I’d rather go on a getaway than have the newest toys – for them or us}…I told my daughter on the way to the condo at Easter that some kids don’t ever get to go on holidays – she was notably shocked! A good lesson. Our vehicles are not new, we only added a second vehicle a few years ago once our daughter was in Kindergarten {brent was still in school too and scheduling was such that the need was there….and taking city transit is insanely priced and wasn’t worth it}, we only just got a cell phone 2 years ago – text only, $10 a month….and only I have one, we tent when we camp {all our friends have trailers}, we don’t have a quad {most of our friends have one}, Brent comes home for lunch every day, we rarely go to the movie theatre {insanely priced….and we love movies and popcorn at home}, and you know what? We are OKAY with it…..and HAPPY.
You aren’t doing anything wrong…..they are learning in this crazy world and as parents, it’s our responsibility to steer them and teach them. I love doing fun things with my kids – ice cream dates, movies, etc. buuut when it feels like an expectation is there it turns me off completely {though sometimes I still treat them because it’s fun for them}. In addition – they are both well aware there are paid chores they can do to save up {for 2 years they collected pop bottles, etc to save up for our Disneyland trip!}, when they want something badly enough I suppose they will do those things. lol
Long winded lol….but chin up – we all go through the same thing.
I LOVE this, Hailey, thank you! And I love that you mentioned adults! My husband is a GIVE ME MORE kind of guys and I have to quickly steer him away when he starts going off on what he wants in front of the kids. He thinks they are not paying attention, but they so ARE!
I think you are onto something – that this is yet another challenge in parenthood. I guess the trick is to keep heading into the fire and hope that, eventually, the kids turn the fire extinguisher on me! LOL
Thank you for reading and commenting!
I don’t think it is either, and I think it is a disservice to your kids to call them ungrateful. I think kids see things they want and ask for them – doesn’t mean that they aren’t grateful for what they have, they are still learning (especially at 2, 4 and 5 years old) that they don’t get it, just because they ask for it. I expect my kids to ask for things, and as they get older (nearly 2, 4, 6 and 7), they are learning that they won’t get everything they ask for. But I don’t consider it ungrateful that they ask either. I think ungrateful would be a different animal entirely.
The words “I want” are just that – a statement of desire. They want it. That doesn’t mean that they expect it or demand it, they are just letting you know that they want it. Now, if it were a spoiled-Willy-Wonka “I want it NOW!” I think that would be different, but still not ungrateful to my mind. Some of the most ‘spoiled’ kids I know are also grateful that they get everything they ask for.
I have also noticed that my reaction to their requests makes a difference – if there is a glimmer of “we’ll see” then they will ask for it again, often inciting “Remember when you said we could get…?”
Kind of rambling, but I don’t think your kids are ungrateful, they are just still learning the power of their words and the effect they have on you. And, it kind of sounds like you are too.
Oh I am the very first one to raise my hand and say that I am always learning something new about parenting!! And it is entirely possible that ‘ungrateful’ is the incorrect encompassing term. It is the word that I overwhelmingly see when people talk about this type of behavior so I suppose it is ingrained :) To be clear, I would never – in a million years – ever – tell my kids they were ungrateful. I am more of a “positive motivation’ type of mom. When they get going I often interject with “Tell me two things you had fun doing today” instead of “Stop it!”
I guess my post is more about wondering if there is really anything that can be done in the way I raise them to make them understand on a general basis that what they have and the things they do are really good things. And that material possessions are not the only things that they should be concerned with.
So, terminology aside, I am just curious about others thoughts on the subject!
Thank you so much for your insight! ;)
I can relate! I think it helps us to watch less TV and take the kids on less shopping trips – if they don’t know exactly what the ‘toy of the moment’ is or what’s new at the store then they are less likely to want it. Sometimes rotating toys can help because you physically make a tub of toys unavailable for a month or two so that when you bring it out it feels like something new to your kids. Keep saying no – there’s nothing wrong with that – our kids are still learning (and so are us Moms).
I think kids need to be taught how to be grateful because pretty much every child is born selfish. Kids have to be taught how and when to say thank you and the reson why you say thanks for something. Whether or not that child will want more is up to that child and then, as a parent, you must teach them how to be grateful. I make sure my children thank us after we get in the car from day trips, going to a movie, etc. Now when we get in the car from someplace, all I have to do is ask if they had a good time and they automatically say thank you. My husband, at dinner time, always thanks me for dinner and the kids have learned to follow suit. I also thank my children for doing their chores and any little things they do. As far as kids wanting stuff, every child does. My children have chores and a chart. They get a quarter for every week of that particular chore being done. So at the end of a week, my 3 yr old daughter should walk away with $1.25 and my 7 yr old son with $1.75. Some of the chores are about behavior, like no whining, keep hands to yourself, etc., but now they have their own money to buy something they want. They have figured out what they want to save up for and what they want to ask Santa for, or ask for their birthdays. So we go look at toys at Walmart, if they behave, and they always make or add to their mental list but never ask me to buy anymore.