Families are defined in many different ways these days. Blended families, nuclear families, traditional families, same sex couple families, friend families and so on. In fact, pretty much anyone that lives with kids or pets or within the habitat of caring roles can be defined as a family.
But there was a time when a ‘family’ was defined as the stay at home mom, the working dad, and the ‘should be seen but never heard’ kids. A time when a woman had one responsibility. To take care of her family and make sure that her husband felt like a king. To look good, cook well, clean to perfection, and take on the burdens of raising those perfectly coiffed, well behaved children.
Blame it on women’s lib or that women got sick of making sure that the husband was first and she was last, but times have definitely changed. Moms are raising kids on their own, holding down higher powered careers than their husbands, and demanding the respect they deserve. Women are more and more a driving force in the corporate world and standing head to head with men.
But does that change when we decide to stay home with our kids? When we are no longer paid in real spendable dollars, but hugs and kisses. Do we lose our credibility as educated, modern women in order to take care of our families?
When I started staying home, I stilled viewed my husband and I as equals. I had a definite added value that I may not get a paycheck for, but is just as valuable as anything that could be bought with that money! After all, before I stayed home with our kids, I had an education and a ‘life’ that included travel, friends and options on what I could do with my life.
I chose to stay home and be the sole caretaker during the day for my family. My husband chose to shoulder the extra responsibility of being able to financially support that lifestyle as well. An equal decision, matched by mutual respect and a desire to have this kind of a family.
But as the months have turned to years and one daughter has become three, I wonder if it is unrealistic for a me to think I am equal to my working husband. If, indeed, the 1950’s still exist on some level and, no matter how evolved women become “out there”, I will always be “just a mom”?
And I wonder, have the expectations of men towards their stay at home wives evolved as much as we think they have?
Or is it pre-programmed in them that even if we did have a self sustaining life before children and had that career that they bragged about when we first met, do we automatically revert to that 50’s housewife in their minds when we decide to give up the career to stay home with the kids?
This is ‘the dream’ for both my husband and I. To have a more ‘traditional’ family where I can stay home and he supports the family. And, as I said, when we started this journey, there seemed to be a more level playing field. But as time has gone on, my role certainly seems to be falling more in the “make everything perfect at home so that he can come home and not have stress added to his day” with whiny kids, a messy house or personal issues I might be having.
He never comes out and said that is what he wants, but I can tell, at least in his mind, that the harder he works and the more demanding his clients are, the more he wants to come home, put his feet up and not be bothered with menial home life tasks.
Now don’t get me wrong, this man is as far from lazy as you can get. He has an acre of land he mainly takes care of, has a house he is renovating room by room, and is still working 50+ hours a week. Plus he gets down and plays with his kids nightly.
But there are some comments sneaking in about how putting the kids to bed is not ‘his’ job and when the house is not clean, there is definitely an air of frustration in his mood. And if dinner is not ready I know he feels like I have wasted time during the day… most likely blogging.
And I hear the remarks when he thinks I am not paying attention about how he is tired of me complaining about my day and how hard it is to take care of the kids. After all, he is the one who got up and went to work that day! How hard could I possibly have it at home?
Now, I don’t think he really thinks I am lazy or that I have the easiest job in the world, I really don’t. But I do wonder if his thinking is just the 1950’s working husband coming out in him? After all, wouldn’t we all want a sparkling clean house, a warm home cooked meal, and our kids quiet and in bed so that we could spend the evening relaxing and actually hearing the shows we want to watch?
I know that when I get my sister wife, those will be my requirements.
But I still want to feel as important as I was then I had a career and the big paycheck. I still want the accolades and the understanding when I have had a bad day. I still want to feel like I matter too. And that I did not lose my importance and credibility because I lost the dollar signs.
I find myself doing it too, though. Discounting my bad days and my moods in order to let him deal with his. And I do run around trying to make the house nice when I know he is on his way home. I fail… but I try. And if dinner is not ready when he walks in, I feel bad about it and apologize. Even when he says it is no big deal, I still feel awful and wish I had planned better so he could have a better homecoming.
So have we really evolved? Has the 1950’s housewife really given in to the evolution of the roles of women and how men relate to them? Or in the relationship of the stay at home mom vs the working dad, will there always be that inbred element that the one that earns the paycheck is the most ‘valuable’ adult in the family?
And if that is so, and we all know it deep down, under the politically correct, pre-programmed answers, then why do we continue to talk as though things have changed?
I suppose, in the end, it really does not matter. We all do what we do to make things work within our households. But it is an interesting question: whether June Cleaver has really evolved into an equal match for the almighty buck.
And whether there will ever be a clear winner in the fight for equal rights between the stay at home mom and the working dad?
Great post! I completely agree with all your thoughts and it is something I DEFINITELY struggle with too as a stay at home mom by choice even with a college degree and previous career that I LOVED!!! I guess we can just think about the underlying reasons we chose to stay home and remember to do the best we can! :) Thanks for posting this!
You are very welcome and thank you for commenting! I am glad I am not alone but yes, it is a struggle!! But the underlying reason is, in fact, the reason we did it!!
I’m in the middle of this exact conversation with my husband. He thinks because he’s spent some time (a weekend at most) taking care of his nephews 10 years ago that he knows exactly what it’s like to be a SAHM for almost 11 months. That I’m having a “lovely summer.” Someone please explain to my “used to be modern but flipped to the 50’s husband” that this is tough work. I told him to call a mom, any mom, but not his own because she would never admit to having it tough. Admittance is the first step to recovery ladies. It’s hard.
LOL – did he? I would love to hear what he learned!
We have a lot of value.. more than financial.. we are molding our children to become good, responsible adults and contributing members of society. Suzy Orman always talks about how SAHMs don’t value themselves enough, even financially. Many don’t have life insurance policies on themselves since they don’t actually make the money and that is how they value “worth”. According to her, you should have $500,000 on yourself. Remember if something happens to you, who is going to do what you do… your husband will have to hire a nanny, maid, etc. while he is working the full-time job to pay the bills.
That is very true Kay, and I do have life insurance… I think. LOL But I do notice that if we need something in the family that I automatically put myself last on the list. I wonder if that ever leaves a woman – reagrdless of her education or self respect. If it is just “imbred” to care for others no matter how modern or successful we have become?
men are pig headed sometimes I’ve gotten the remark “its my money, YOU don’t make a dime!” before. Yes… that is right. I hate the constant struggle for validation in the work i do. You know what I did?? I told him “FINE I WILL” and started doing in home daycare so he would shut up, now I care for four kids @ home and he would rather jump off a bridge than do my job. I showed him! lol!!
LOL!! You go GIRL!! :D
I struggle with this a lot now that I’m staying home with my daughter. I grew up with a working mother and the idea that I needed to make money and support myself. Now that I am a SAHM I actually cringe when someone asks me what I do. Well..I change diapers, do dishes, do laundry, cook, clean, play with the baby, feed the baby, baby baby baby…Yet somehow when someone asks that question I immediately feel as though they think that I do nothing all day. Fortunately my husband does respect what I do. It is more me that struggles with defining my importance. You know.. a good babysitter costs about $10 an hour or more, and a good housekeeper costs more than that. The things I do have value, but I never get paid. Ha! And yes, I do think that it is more difficult to keep the 50s stereotypes of women and men at bay than we might admit.
I love your comment. It expressed sort of what I was trying to say. That no matter how advanced and independent we become, that somehow, we always feel “lesser” because we stay home! GREAT reply! Thank you!
I seriously do not take any comments that resemble him thinking he is working harder than me, or he is making the money, or stuff at home is not HIS job. I have let him know that it isn’t acceptable through great conversation. We have a mutual understanding now that we BOTH work extremely hard and for one or the other of us to minimize what the other one does is disrespectful and won’t be tolerated. Our lives have been much more smooth since we opened the line of communication when it came to this stuff. Don’t tolerate it girl. Plain and simple.
I seriously do not take any comments that resemble him thinking he is working harder than me, or he is making the money, or stuff at home is not HIS job. I have let him know that it isn’t acceptable through great conversation. We have a mutual understanding now that we BOTH work extremely hard and for one or the other of us to minimize what the other one does is disrespectful and won’t be tolerated. Our lives have been much more smooth since we opened the line of communication when it came to this stuff. Don’t tolerate it girl. Plain and simple.
And we do talk, quite a bit. I see, in the end, that I did not do a very good job expressing my points in this post and for that, I am sorry. Mainly, I wanted to share that it seems like the more things change, the more they stay the same? You know. Like no matter how modern we thing we are, traditional roles still seem to be the norm :)
I feel like I read a lot of whining on your blog. We have to many kids, my husband works so hard but doesn’t help me enough. I’m sure you are trying to be funny but it comes across as needy. Figure out what YOU want. Do you want to be a ” 50’s wife” to his “50’s husband” then that’s how it’ll be. If you want it to be different make it so.
I am so so sorry that I come across as whiny on this blog. That is certainly NOT my intention. It is just a place for me to discuss things that I feel are relevant and in my point of view. I believe I did say that I do it too and that for some reason, it seems that this is the way things seem to go despite a “modern” society. If you feel there is too much whining, I might not be the blog for you. I try to balance with posts about the fun I have with my kids and humor. Lately, I have just been reflective an curious about family dynamics. I do appreciate your honest comment, however.
Are you serious? Really?? That’s nonsense. She does not whine. I read it all and you clearly have an ax to grind with this post……Lori only pointed out what many women think, whether or not they “man up” and admit it is a different story.
I feel like I read a lot of whining on your blog. We have to many kids, my husband works so hard but doesn’t help me enough. I’m sure you are trying to be funny but it comes across as needy. Figure out what YOU want. Do you want to be a ” 50’s wife” to his “50’s husband” then that’s how it’ll be. If you want it to be different make it so.
Well, there ARE alternatives out there for you. No one forced you to do this. Frankly I make my husband came first. He works just as hard as I do, and HE puts the bread on the table and affords us to be able to live as we do. I don’t see how staying home and taking care of the WHOLE family is 1950’s. (And yes, he IS part of that family.) The house not being perfect when he walks in the door is his issue, yes. But you also signed onto these frustrations when you decided to stay home five years ago.
Yes, I absolutely did and this post was in no way meant to be a complain fest. Apparently I did not write it that well if it is coming off that way. All I wanted to bring up in topic was the fact that, no matter how “modern” we become with education and advances, it seems that the past definition of a stay at home stays the same. Other readers seem to have gotten that so I thought I did a good job opening the conversation. Obviously, I did not and I apologize to anyone who thinks that I am, in any way, saying I am not happy staying home and raising my kids. We all have choices and we all make them with the best of intentions. But just because we made them does not mean that we do not have the right to question them once we are in the situation. In fact, I think it is healthier to be honest and express our fears, frustrations, and feelings so that we can listen and learn to be more understanding of how those decision have differed from what we thought they would bring.
Anyone that misconstrues my words to mean that I feel I am ‘stuck’ or ‘whining’ about my and my husband’s decision is misreading my intentions. I love my husband very much and though every marriage has issues, we are on goal and happy to be so.
so you know….I also “signed up” for this….but no one told me how tough it would be. I love, as she does, what I do for a “living”…..but her post poses a fair question. BTW, I AM JUNE CLEAVER. I dress up for my husband, both day and NIGHT, the house is clean, the food is hot (and yummy). So, back off sister.
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Aloha from Hawaii!!! New follower here via the blog hop…. What an interesting look at the roles of husbands and wives… Thanks for sharing… Hope you’re having an amazing week!!! :) – http://www.OliviaBlueMusic.com/
The fact of the matter is, and we have known this for thousands of years, that motherhood has many seemingly thankless moments. But then, love is its own reward. Of course caring and sacrificial mothers are worth every dime and buck anyone else makes, and more–why? Not only are we giving our children what they deserve and what no one else can give them if we paid them a million dollars, but we are also shaping the future, and THAT is more important and fulfilling than anything. As they say, “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” Society can sometimes forget this and tries to come up with fancy schemes to save and protect our future, when in reality, it’s us mothers who can make a bigger difference than anyone! I sometimes feel tired or like it would be nice if my efforts were more acknowledged, but at the end of the day, I feel more fulfilled than I would if I made more money, but lost my children to crime or other bad influences. So I’ll take whatever comes with motherhood, as long as I can keep loving and being loved by my children!
Lori, This is the age old question, isn’t it? Is the stigma ever really going to go away? I think that if you and your husband have reached a place where you are both happy with your set of responsibilities then no one else matters. If one or both of you is feeling frustrated, it may be time to revisit those expectations of one another.
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Ladies,
Lets be honest! You are extremely fortunate to have a husband that is compenstated to the degree for you to stay at home and be the primary caregiver for your children. Count your blessings! Not every couple is given this opportunity and it is becoming increasingly rare in the society we live in today. I agree that a stay at home mom is one of the hardest jobs out there and I honestly couldn’t do it myself, but with that being said wouldn’t you agree that your workload decreases dramatically when compared to your spouse when the children head off to school? Do your long term plans include rejoining the workforce in the future? What happens after your children head to college? I agree that being a stay at home parent is extremely difficult, but its also very short lived.
My wife and I are having struggles with this. I did not ask her to leave her job but we decided together that we did not want our children raised in day care.
Lately we Arthur because I come home from work (salary job 50+) and I play with my children unhappy bedtime.. i usually get about an hour and then i find myself cleaning the living room, doing dishes, taking out trash, picking up toys, etc…
I do not mind helping around the house but my wife make commentsure to me on my days off, when what I want to do is relax and play with the kids, that we have to catch up on laundry, we have to get this place cleaned up. Then I make comments about the yard work that I have to do because my days off are my only chance to more, pick weeds, maintain the house etc…
It’s an endless battle. I know that a stay at home mom works all day, but I think she is under the impression that I am away playing all day and when I get home is her turn to relax and my turn to take over on all the household. I have explained to her that I don’t mind splitting it when I get home but it should not all rest on me because I am home.
I wake up early every day. I go to work at least 5 days and on my 2 days off I get up with the kids and let her sleep in. I never get to sleep in.
Sorry for venting but I need clarity. I feel like I’m putting more in and I’m looking for some sort of reassurance that I’m not crazy. I feel I do more than my friends do around the house. If I am wrong and missing something I just want to know what I’m missing.
I love that my wife is home with the kids and it is a full time job. If she wanted to go back to work I would fight for her to get a good enough job so I could stay home with them. But I don’t know how to get on the same page with her without making her feel like I’m being a chauvinist.
Please help with any feedback with our against me.
I also responded on a cell phone and did not proof read. Arthur =argue unhappy = until.
Sorry
Thank you SO much for reaching out. It sounds like you are really struggling and I am so sorry about that. You are doing what we women say we need. Helping with the chores, playing with the kids, letting he sleep in on the weekends. Yes, SAHM’s have a job and, just like you going to work, there are probably times that you get really tired of what you do. She is not tired of the kids, but being at home all day can be mundane. So she may be leaning on you more because of that.
I don’t know how long she has been home but I struggled quite a bit with going from being a money earning, respected, professional working woman to a stay at home mom of three girls with very little adult interaction and a lot of diaper changing. It is a very, very hard adjustment. So I struggled for 2 years and then started this blog, which now supports me and the girls as a single mom (the ex and I divorced). I had a huge identity crisis which made staying home a lot harder than I had dreamed it would be.
So maybe a good conversation asking if she is really happy might be in order. When that conversation is happening, you can bring up your very valid points and let her know that you are more than happy to help carry the weight of the home and children you built, but that you also deserve to sleep in once in a while and have quiet time as well. Because both of you do!
SO communicate… don’t ignore it and let it fester… that won’t help anyone at all.
I hope this helps a bit…
This is exactly what I am going thru now. I also feel the same way as you do. I also don’t understand how everything is for husband to do as soon as get home from work. Let’s put into perspective, meaning my job is less “work” then SAHM so I should do everything (doing dishes, cleaning kitchen, shower kids, feed the kids, and put them to sleep), when I get home and before I go to work (feed kids beakfast), and weekend (wife need alone time while I watch both kids) to make up for it. How is that possible? So my question is what is typical SAHM do when husband got home?
What are your comments ladies regarding a wife who has a monthly maid service (she doesn’t clean and refuses), has 1 kid, gets a minimum 8 hrs of sleep everyday (sometimes 10-12, our kid can sleep) and I cook half or more of the time plus do half the dishes?
I am not a pig, but I get up at 5:30 and am gone until 5 or 6 M-F. I do the usual fixin of the cars, maintenance of the house, change diapers, give the occasional baths, and even do my own laundry.
I am so frustrated these days because my mother worked as a nurse and raised 5 kids with not even remotely the help my wife gets (he maybe changed a handful of diapers over the years).
I want to think I am being more than reasonable in my frustrations. I would more than be willing to trade places. I was a stay at home Dad for a year in a previous marriage and did way more. I volunteered at my step-sons school, attended school myself and did the majority of cooking, cleaning (we didn’t have money for a cleaning service) and even ironed her clothes for work. I have been there myself, but my current wife consistently portrays me as lazy and unhelpful. I just don’t get it and it really is a relationship burden.
Honestly, I would say it is time for a really serious conversation as it sounds like you are not happy, and that just festers. I am now a single mom with three kids and I love it. But not communicating led to the divorce. I have a housekeeper, a yard crew, a handyman and other helpers in the house but I am alone so I see it more as keeping my sanity. When I was married, I had a housekeeper for a while but my ex expected the house to look like that 24/7 since I had ‘help’. But I also was up every night with three kids so he could sleep and he spent the weekends in the garage drinking while I tended to the kids.
So not quite the same situation but the same advice stands… talk to your wife. Show her this post and your comment and have a real conversation before you end up resenting her for good…
I’m a new father and I feel like my wife and I are having issues. The truth is I’m the breadwinner and she is the stay at home mom. To further the truth…I’m also the one who cleans, does laundry; dishes, grocery shops, cooks dinner, and is expected to be up with the baby at night. We fight about this. And as ridiculous as it seems, my wife literally cries when I call her out on it out of pure frustration. Am I wrong? Sure I don’t approach my side as elegantly as one would hope but I’m reacting out of pure frustration. I leave for work and the house is in shambles. I have all the folded laundry left on the table, and the house is a mess after I cleaned the day before. I get it, raising a baby is hard…but while I’m at work is it too much to ask to have some of that stuff done? I really feel like I’m pulling most of the load and her only argument is that she can’t handle it….I don’t want to sound insensitive to what it takes to raise a child but I also feel like I’m putting everything in and she’s at about 50 percent to what I’m doing if not less. I don’t know how to get through to her, and honestly I feel like it’s a lack of maturity issue. I’m 25 and she’s 19. I get that this is a big change for us both, especially her, but I’m losing my hair over this situation. Any advice on how to approach it or what to say?
Hi Emilio – you are in a tough spot but it sounds like she may have a touch of the post pardum blues as well. New babies, especially first ones, are tough! I was 33 and I still had my mom come and stay for a week after she was born and cried when she left! I, literally, did not know how I was going to handle it all. I also suffered a minor bout of post pardum depression after all of my kids. I was mad at myself for being depressed with a brand new sweetheart and beyond exhausted no matter how many house she slept. I would say that you have a right to be upset and frustrated, though, especially if nothing is being done to show respect for the work you have put in. You may need to ask her how she is feeling. Ask her if she is sad, is she feeling completely overwhelmed, is she happy. In a kind tone that lets her know that you really want to listen. Maybe she needs to talk top her doctor or join a moms group that can help her feel less isolated with this new baby, new body and new pressure to be perfect. You sound like you are really helping a lot and I applaud you for sticking by her. But a serious,. non-angry, honest conversation needs to happen. Start with ‘how was you day’ and not ‘what did you do all day?’. Keep us posted!
O.K…..So I think you just explained how my wife and I both feel. How do we fix it?
Lori, I ran across this post and comments section looking for guidance on this issue. First of all, thanks so much taking the time to keep up the conversation despite what I imagine is a ton of work on your plate as a single mom of three. If you have time I’d welcome your perspective on something my wife (SAHM) and I have been arguing about. My overall experience is uncannily similar to Lost working dad’s.
Is it fair of me to think that my work during the day from 8:30-5:15 is equivalent in some sense to her work being a mom and taking care of the house during those same hours? I’m a very involved dad who usually gets our kids out of bed and has full responsibility for bed time routines, and my stance has been that the remaining housework to be done while I’m home is something we’re both responsible for. She seems really offended by that idea. I have that stance because I assume that we’re both working about as hard during the work day. That assumption of mine finally came out in an argument and my wife was so infuriated the argument had to stop. I thought she saw it the same way and I’m really surprised that it’s that repugnant an idea.
Am I missing something big here? Is being a SAHM so much work that the partner who works a paying job is indebted to them when they get home and should take on the lionshare of house work during those hours?
The short answer is no. Everyone who lives in the house, including the kids, has the job of keeping it up for everyone. Whether you stay home, work out of the home, or work in the home, the house is everyone’s responsibility. I understand her tired, I do. Taking care of little kids all day every day is a struggle. You rarely talk to adults, you don’t feel challenged, you sort of lose who you think you are and it can be lonely. However, I also know the stress of working out of the home. The traffic to get to work, the schedule, the dealing with people you don’t get along with. Both sides have stress. Some days, one side has more than others.
I am divorced now and I will tell you that one of the fundamental causes, aside from his straying eye, was the lack of true conversation that took place. He was frustrated because he worked all day and expected to come home and do nothing. I was frustrated because I was home all day with three toddlers and then was expected to take 100% care of him when he got home as well. I did all the bedtime routine, all of the dinner, all of the dishes, all of the laundry, everything. It was very draining and almost demeaning.
But it sounds to me like you help a LOT more. Just doing the bedtime routine should be a stress reliever for her. Just as the person who works out of the home needs about 30 minutes to walk in and relax before being expected to do anything at home, she deserves that 30 minutes to recharge a little as well .
That being said. A marriage, and especially parenting, is a partnership. Sit down and have a non-accusatory conversation about how to balance the housework so you both are happy. It may come down to hiring a housekeeper every few weeks. It may be that everyone has a ‘night off’ once a week. It may be that date night needs to happen so both of you can reconnect and feel more loved by the other, therefore motivating each other to be more productive all week. I don’t know. But a calm, loving conversation is necessary… with a lot of listening.
I hope this helps at least a little. Thank you for reaching out!
I love being a parent and I am willing to make sacrifices to be a good one (though I often fail miserably,) but not getting regular breaks makes me less successful, not more successful. So, I would add to this article the question “Why is it that if a Mom does want/need to work as well and/or wants/needs to spend time alone reconnecting with herself or her friends; she (more often than not) has to stress and jump through hoops (that usually make it not worth it, if not impossible) but it’s automatically assumed that a father is intitled to these things, and carried out without thought, stress, or hoops..? #arewereallyequals
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Hello ladies,
I have read all of your reply’s, and totally appreciate your thoughts. I myself am the father of two beautiful children (8) and (10) and a wonderful stay at home wife. I would like to give you the perspective of the working father and husband, in the hopes that I can shed some light as to how this half thinks… or at least some of us. My wife and I decided when we found out that she was pregnant that she would stay home and raise the children until they were old enough to be looked after were they could tell us about their day. As a father and husband it has always given me great pride to be in a position to be able to look after the family finances so that our kids always had the love and security of their mom. I have always felt a very great level of responsibility in this role, and belive it or not it is a stressful thing knowing that every day of every month of every year that three people depend on me to provide for them. My wife is a wonderful loving hard working individual that I hold in the very highest regard, as a husband maybe I don’t tell her enough just how important she is to our family. I know many days when I get home she is stressed out and feeling under appreciated. I’m telling you this so you understand I am not a male chauvinistic pig. Now having said that lol. Is there days when I get up at 6am to go to work that I’m a little jealous that everyone is still sleeping… yes. Is there days when I get home from work and am a little jealous that my wife has had the time to go out for coffee with a friend or perhaps gone shopping ( not groceries lol) you betcha. I find that her biggest complaint is she wants more help around the house, and that she feels like a maid. I totally respect that but as a man I would love the understanding that some days I feel like an ATM, and that it can be disappointing to miss out on quality time with my children because of my work schedule. It is hard as a man to be able to say these things because it will more than likely start an argument. I don’t think validation as a man comes easy. We like to be acknowledged as well. While some women may want to receive flowers and hear that not so often heard phrase. I got this darling go for a bath. Men also like to hear, wow you must have had a long day why don’t you put your feet up and watch the game I know you have to get up early. I guess I’m saying all of this, it is important for spouses be it husband or wife, to consider how the other is feeling. As a stay at home mother the validation and thanks for sacrificing your professional and personal goals and desires to ensure love and security for your family should be praised and respected, and as a working father to hear a thank you for working so hard for us makes the mundane days of most jobs go by oh so easier.
Thank you for your posts it has made me realize that rather than being upset with my wife for feeling overworked and under appreciated that I should get off of the Internet and stop trying to look for why she feels this way and give her a hug and a little more appreciation. Family dynamics are always changing everyone needs to feel appreciated be it man or women
Lori, I found your article because I googled “stay at home mom and working father”‘. I wanted to read ways SAHM deal with it. At the moment, I am so angry at our new dynamic. I used to be a television personality when I met my husband. I was invited to all of the Gala’s, parties, you name it. And I would bring him to all of these events. I also used to emcee some pretty cool events and he was right there with me.
After we got pregnant, we both decided I would stay home for the first two years. In doing so, I have lost my whole self. I don’t do much, aside from occasionally going out with friends while my husband stays home with our daughter. I used to be so lively and interesting. Now I don’t know how to get back on tv, what if even like to do on tv or where to start. It’s an awful feeling.
My husband just got a serious promotion and now he acts like he so important. He hired an assistant- he totally doesn’t need one- at all. It’s all very annoying. He’s 37 and said he feels like he’s going through a mid-life crisis. He started wearing skinny jeans, going out under the guise of “I’m taking my staff out”. To a nightclub while I was out of town. There are so many instances I could name that annoy me but I spare you.
I want to feel interesting again. And important. I know I do an amazing job raising our daughter but I can’t get over this new dynamic. I hate it actually. I love being a mom but I’m so over being a SAHM.
Oh girl… I know exactly where you are. I was the same way when I quit my brokerage job to raise my daughters. I was so depressed that started this blog to give me a feeling of accomplishment. I would not recommend my road, though, as I threw myself into it while my ex threw himself into other women. I am now a single mom who works from home and love it but it is not for everyone.
I would say, start applying for work .Get your portfolio together. You have probably lost yourself, which we all can do in motherhood, and need to find you again. Start small and start earning again. Your income will help pay for sitters and your daughter will benefit from watching you blossom again.
As for your husband, sounds like a serious conversation is needed. So please take the time to write out your grievances and share them with him in a calm manner. He may not understand… so you have to make him
Good Luck and keep us posted!
From a working husband and father’s perspective…
I’m still trying to understand what you and husband agreed to when you both made the decision to stay home. Were there certain expectations from both sides that were explicitly discussed and are both of you living up to those expectations?
The issues that you referenced are also causing a lot of friction right now for my wife and I.
I feel increasingly frustrated at the constant disarray at our home and the fact that I come home from a long day still having to do a lot around the house. I very openly ask for certain things to be done, but they just aren’t done, or not in a timely fashion. When I finally get fed up and I start doing things just because it is driving me crazy, she gets mad at me. She tells me things like ‘sorry I am not the wife you wanted’ instead of ‘i will try harder’.
She cannot account for the time in her day. When I asked “what did you do?” I get responses like, “i washed the dishes” or “I checked the mail.” Those things take a few minutes, not a whole day.
She does not take the initiative to do things that need to be done, unless I do it first.
All I want after a long day is to come home to home to a clean house, to a clean family and a hot meal. This allows me to enjoy my family and all that we’ve worked so hard for. I just don’t think it is fair that I put in all of this time and effort to provide and she does not seem to putting in the effort on her side. We talked about all of this before we agreed for her to stay home (which she wanted) and there was an understanding that our relationship could become extremely strained if I got to the point where I felt like I was providing and she was not holding up her end. She is free to go back to work whenever she wants and I encourage it if the arrangement is not working out, but she has no interest to work.
This has nothing to do with women’s lib or trying to relegate her to an oppressive time. I just want to feel like it is a team effort. This has me very depressed and I am currently seeking counseling. I love my wife and my family, but it is very daunting to consider that this is how it is always going to be. In my eyes, if she loves me and she sees what this is doing to me, why wouldn’t she try harder? Do you think that I am completely out of line?
I ran across this reading about the whole “should dad wake up with the baby” question. Honestly mostly because I’m tired of being woken up by a yelling stay at home mom in the middle of the night saying I don’t do enough. On one hand I hear about sleeping in until 10 am and taking a 2pm nap with the baby and on the other there are 2 am feedings and all that middle of the night screaming. It’s like all those people who said parenting was a breeze weren’t being completely honest. If I had a job with a little more flexibility then making a schedule where we alternate who gets up with the baby could work but that just isn’t the case. If I underperform I lose my job and we lose our house and we are then homeless with a baby. I’m sure many families aren’t that tight and i’m sure many dads jobs aren’t as demanding as mine so this argument may seem based in the 50s if your husband doesn’t work so hard and you can’t picture this level of intensity at work. It’s not like I don’t want to take care of my kids or wife but that taking care of them properly means I must sleep at night. Is that just my grandfather talking or what?
I know taking care of 4 kids is tough, all under 11. I do recognize what a great job my wife does with every one of them. She by far excels in every mothering category(loving, caring, patience, involved, etc…) . Now that all four are in school 3 full time and one very close I’m still wondering when she will create some kind of routine to make her life easier. I work 65 -70 hours per week, 6 days usually. I’m still wondering why she chooses to half ass all her chores instead of having a defined plan? One day to shop, laundry day, cleaning day, etc. she instead does sporadic shopping without a list so things are forgotten or always not used and thrown away when expired. The bulk of cleaning is a half ass swifter job and Lysol wipe. Nothing ever gets heavy duty cleaning. Dust and filth under furniture, drapes never cleaned, nothing stays organized and all boils down to fights. Dinners consist of chicken nuggets and fries or ordering out and wasted money. Never cares to budget or use a coupon either. I’m glad kids are good but home maker is an extinct term. It’s always a pissing match if I question the mess every single day or that each week I throw out $40 in bad food, or if I request a meal that isn’t cooked in a microwave. I feel that if I was a stay at home dad I probably couldn’t hold a candle to her patience and dedication to the kids but I would want her to come home to a neat, clean house with a nice meal a few times a week. I would also try to form a solid routine to be on top of everything that must get done and finally trying to budget and be as frugal as possible knowing we chose to keep one earner home to always take care of kids and home. Moms today seem to overcompensate for the lack of parental involvement in our generation by over doing the sports, and after school activities to the point where it’s nearly impossible for an entire family to have dinner together cause there is so much running around and community obligations where God for bid you don’t make each and every thing you’ll be on the outs as well as your kids. Moms seem to be trying to keep in good standings with friends and neighbors in fear of being uninvited or left out that they run themselves ragged and sacrifice their families true happiness. Sound familiar?
My first impression of this blog and it’s responses: you’re all worried about the what-ifs and what-could-bes.
I work 84+ hrs a week, my wife and 6 week old baby are home bodies. I get to see them maybe 4 -5 hours out of the day. It sucks……but it’s temporary. My wife also knows that she will only have to be stressed about being a SAHM temporarily.
To the other guys wanting a hot meal and their wife to be their mom…drop a hint about what meal you want. I write it on the refrigerator. Sometimes I bring home the ingredients and even cook food! Oh my
To be honest, I’m a little concerned with the amount of pussies and pansies on here complaining about adulthood. You bought the ticket now take the ride!
JM, amazing reply. You’re a real human being. Thank you for being a stand-up man. Someone raised you right and you CHOOSE to be a husband and dad. Thank you for being inspirational to us SAHMs. I hope your wife appreciates your perspective and involvement. It is inspirational.
Lori, thank you for starting this post. I’m sorry your husband chose to wander instead of appreciate you and the family HE created. I will never understand the mentality of the people who don’t realize what they’re getting into before they have kids with someone. I can appreciate that things change. It’s called life. But fundamentally, people don’t change. They just either learn to better themselves for the sake of survival or they give up on what they’ve created.
I’m a 35yo wife and SAHM with two kids and one on the way. Our kids are close in age; the first two are 20 months apart. The middle and third are 21 months apart. It is a stressful and chaotic challenge. My husband and I got engaged, got pregnant, had our first child, then got married all within 15 months. Then my father passed away, 6 months later. It has been very busy and very stressful. I’ve learned things about human nature (before marriage/kids and during marriage/kids) regarding these past 3 years as a SAHM:
I’ve learned that first and foremost, I CHOSE THIS LIFE. Every decision I made/make is leading to my current situation. I’ve always learned that when basic needs aren’t met, people cannot function properly…
SELF-VALUE: We always want what we don’t have. It is human nature and what keeps us keeping on; striving for what we deserve. I want more time for myself and my husband wants more time for himself. And we each deserve that. It will make us better spouses/parents/people. We also need more time for each other. The relationship my husband and I have is BASED on EACH OTHER…not our kids…there was US before THEM…so we should be looking at getting BACK to where we left off, and grow from there. Our current relationship with each other has taken a back seat to the needs of our children. It’s easy for that to happen. We resent each other when we don’t put each other first. When we don’t date each other anymore it is because we have replaced that time with raising our children. It’s hard. It’s necessary to change that if we want the current temperature of our relationship to be better. It’s time I stop resenting him and he stop resenting me and TOGETHER we make more time for each other. Marriage (and raising kids) isn’t 50%/50%… it’s 110%/110%! Plus, along with this will come the benefit to our kids in seeing a strong marriage between their parents and two people who love each other more and resent each other less.
SLEEEEP: This is a HUGE component that is vital to every human being. Much like our children, when SAHMs don’t get enough sleep we are monsters. When our husbands don’t get enough sleep they are monsters, too. Eventually, everyone NEEDS enough sleep. Easier said than done, but necessary. Replace entertainment events (gasp!) or TV watching (what?) with sleep and see what happens. Need to “blow off steam”? Instead of going out for happy hour, (i.e.: wasting $ getting wasted) come home and take a nap! Or set an earlier bedtime. It’s free. And your wife will be pleased to know you’re not out, without her! Sleep is the #1 stress-buster, by the way. All natural.
EAT: everyone NEEDS to eat. Figure out what will work for your family and MAKE IT WORK. Get food on the table at (almost) the same time each night and sit down TOGETHER as a family with the TV and phones off and EAT FOOD TOGETHER. It is probably one of the first things you and your spouse did OFTEN, while dating (before kids)….so why has it been sacrificed??? Eat! In our home, we have a meal delivery service because I’m way better at following directions than making it up on my own. It’s an investment, but we don’t waste a single bite. And I’ve done the math: it’s WAY WAY WAY less expensive than us eating out every night. Like three times less expensive. And WAY healthier. It is a hot meal, cooked/baked, by me (or occasionally my husband)…fresh! It is appreciated by my husband and I appreciate myself for making it a priority. My mom did it for her family. I can do it for mine. What a simple, effective example for my kids and way to show my love. Cook for your family and EAT WITH them.
We are not perfect. Our house is NOT perfect. I don’t think any family is. But these extremely basic things (INTENTIONAL TIME ALONE WITH MY SPOUSE; SLEEP; EATING TOGETHER) are absolutely essential to making each day WORK.
The stressful division of chores is a symptom of these other things being out of place; and is honestly easier to handle and less of a burden when we are all cared for, rested, and fed. I don’t mind washing my husband’s dirty underwear when he’s nice…and he’s nice when he’s loved, rested, and fed.
It takes two. It takes me communicating this to him for him to understand my perception of my role as SAHM. And, while I still hear the, “I just want to relax when I get home” comment and I might not be able to change the fact that he has to at least be a husband and dad when he gets home, I can LISTEN to how his day went, acknowledged it, be sensitive to it, and still have a husband who helps the kids tidy up their toys while I’m finishing cooking dinner. He also bathes them while I’m cleaning up dinner and doing laundry. It has taken TIME to get to this point, and we have a ways to go, but it won’t work if you don’t work it. It’s not going to get better if we don’t TRY to make it better. “Fake” it ’til you make it. Act/”dress” the part. I want(ed) to be the 50s housewife who always has everything perfect. And while that isn’t my reality, I still TRY and my husband notices my efforts. And I notice, respect, and acknowledge his. That goes a LONG way.