In my lifetime I have been a waitress, a stockbroker, a banker, and even a pizza maker. I have lived stress, deadlines, pressure and failure. And my theory has always been that this, too, shall pass when things got tough. But somehow all of the previous experiences have paled in comparison to the extremely stressful and complicated reality of being a wife and a mother.
Being a wife used to be easy. Tend to your man and he’ll tend to you. I spoiled him with trips to sporting events, evenings out and surprise gifts. I took good care of myself and was someone he was proud to parade around. He did the same for me and it seems so fairy tale like. So easy. So selfish.
And then we added kids – three in a row – and never ending bleeding of the bank account for doctor’s appointments, feet that grow too fast, and the little extras that come with raising children, took over. I never lost the baby weight, forfeited the time it took to make myself pretty, chose to spend money that used to go to pedicures and manicures on college funds and crayons. And both of our stress levels sky rocketed.
He suddenly had four people to take care of financially instead of one and I was lost in the land of taking care of three small children and finding time to shower. It has all just become overwhelming for both of us.
So here we are, six years later, wondering who each other is. Wishing that we had taken better care of each other, praying that we find our way back. And the truth of my role in it is glaring at my soul asking for some solutions.
But I am stuck. Who comes first? The spouse or the children or me? Who comes second? Whose needs are more inportant? The adult I am married to or the children that depend on me? Or me who needs to be healthy and alert to take care of anyone?
Where do I find the time and energy to be that woman he married AND the mother that my children need?
The truth is, melding the jobs of wife and mother and the expectations that come with those roles is the hardest. thing. I. have. ever. done. in. my. life.
Add working from home until the wee hours of the morning to try to keep us afloat financially and the layers of “other things I have to do” pile onto one another and takes even more time from me and him.
So, how do you do it? How do you balance kids, work, money, housework, AND tending to the needs of a husband?
Without losing yourself completely? And without compromising yourself and all that you believe in?
And how do you get it done before you lose absolutely everything you thought you wanted your whole life?
We only have 1 kid but our stress was out of the roof!!! We couldn’t talk without fighting!
After much consideration and conversation we decided to take the hit to the pocket book and allow me to stay home without working.
My mother in law once told me: You cannot do everything and sometimes the hardest path is the right path! Things have been more then tight for us but that is the best choice we could have made! We couldn’t be happier and our relationship couldn’t be better!!!!
I am so glad Stephanie! I stay home with the kids but work at night on this blog because we are stretched way too thin. We had hoped it would help and, maybe, with some help, we can get it back! ;)
I lost my big…long…two cents. So short version. Marriage is a 2-way street! Don’t *think* for second that if something isn’t “right” that it is YOUR fault! You are strong and very smart among several attributes. BTW, I thought you only had 3 children ;) {Adult, father, husband} comes with it’s own responsibilities that do not stop at “bringing home a paycheck.” Yes, it makes for cranky parents at times, but that’s life- they won’t be little and needy forever!
Thank you Beth -well said!
I don’t even know. Things pile up. Things get crazy. Our relationship has changed so much in the last 15 months, we definitely put it on the back burner for a while. We are just starting to come out of the new parents haze and find each other again.
I think, for me, that putting myself first, at least a little bit, has helped tremendously. I sought help for my PPD. I’ve connected with some local bloggers who get together for girls night once a month. I’ve joined the local alumni chapter of my sorority. Little things that help me get myself back just a bit and remind me that I’m ME in addition to WIFE and MOMMY. Once I started doing that, everything else got a bit easier and a bit happier. It is SO HARD and things fall to the wayside all the time, or I can’t find enough hours in the day to do everything I need or want to do. But, I try to let it go and just do the very best I can for my husband and my son. It’s hard, but I can’t be perfect and I can’t do it all. So, I do what I can and that’s all I can really ask for.
Thank you Melissa! Maybe I do need to see someone and get some ideas outside of what I am doing. Maybe that will help me be more able to handle it all! Thank you so much for reading and commenting!
I think all moms struggle with balancing everything because each relationship is important. I have two kids and both are in school all day now. I am fortunate to work from home and for the most part around their schedules. I struggled the first few years but then decided to listen to my grandma’s advice.
My grandparents were married 50 years and she always said, “You have to take time for yourself. Go out with your friends and do something you enjoy doing. Go shopping, go to the movies, out to dinner, or just grab a book and read in the tub. Even if it’s just once a month. Have a date night with your husband. Go on a vacation with just adults (we do). And of course, do things as a family.” We go camping a lot during the year. We take the kids fishing, bowling, to the movies, to the beach, etc.
I think moms feel guilty about taking time out for themselves. But they shouldn’t. If you are happy, you are going to be a better wife and mom. You will have a lot more patience and we all know that there are some days that you need a lot of patience.
My point is to spend quality time with everyone. Schedule it so that you will do it. Trust me, you will feel much better.
Thank you Dana. I do try to do for me but with no outside help and a husband who works 70 hours a week, it is hard for me to ask him to take on three kids after a hard day. However, something will have to change so that we all can be happy!
I could have written this article myself. This is an ongoing struggle I deal with as well. The only answer I have is what you said in the first paragraph ‘this too shall pass’. I just hope after it passes I still have everything I went into it with and then some. I also don’t want the moment it passes to be when the kids are turning 18 and moving out. This would have been me missing out on some of the best years of my married life, I think…. I love this sentence you wrote: “The truth is, melding the jobs of wife and mother and the expectations that come with those roles is the hardest. thing. I. have. ever. done. in. my. life.
It speaks a thousand words.’ All I know to do is keep on doing. Thanks for sharing this, it makes me feel more normal.
Thank you April and I agree. I hope that when I can get it balance, it is not too late!
I couldn’t agree more! ITS HARD, and I only have one. I’ve been trying to figure out ways to get myself back, and one thing I’ve found is try little things that only take 10 minutes, but make me feel good. Like mani/pedis. I no longer have the time or money to get weekly ones, but the other day I painted my own nails and it made me feel good! It may sound silly, but for some reason seeing my nails polished reminded me of the person i was pre-baby and how i want to fight to keep being her. Also, meditation. It only takes 10 minutes, and it seriously brings down the stress levels. I have what I call Monday Resolutions where at the beginning of every week i promise to do one small thing to keep myself sane.
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