I went to my Houston Bloggers meeting last night. Normally a meeting that educates and energies me for the month.
I’d had a great day. My parents came to visit, we went to lunch and they gave me a new laptop as an “investment in my business” which, literally, brought me to tears. I took the kids to gymnastics after they went home and relished in my beautiful girls mastering the backward roll.
And then I headed out. Ready for a fun night of learning, consulting, and laughter.
And then… in the blink of an eye, I found something out that floored me and ruined my entire night.
I found out, for the second time this week, that a trust I had put in someone was broken. A trust that the information I was posting was accurate, unique, and a benefit to my readers and a group of people who certainly deserved it.
And right then, I quit blogging. I folded up my virtual posts, rolled my bandwidth into a ball, and stuffed my brand new laptop into a suitcase and mentally walked away. I fell into a blogging depression and it stayed with me the entire night.
Blogging can be wonderful. It can provide an outlet, a release, of sorts for those of us who share our personal lives. It can be uplifting and rewarding. It can be the only thing that holds me together on the really bad days.
But blogging is hard. And for those of us who really want to present the best content, the best blog we can, and as honestly as we can, stepping on as few toes as possible, it is a daily struggle.
A struggle for me that has included tears, immense doubts, and what can only be described as the depression of blogging.
The truth of the matter is that I do not know what I am doing. Not one little tiny bit. And I think I have, in the bell of the learning curve, set myself up to be confused, confusing, and just lost. I try to take as much advice as I can from people who know what they are doing and implement it in a way that works for me and what I think my readers want. I have to trust people to be as truthful and honest as I would be to them.
But every time I make a change, or add a new idea, I get slammed. I have been called a sell out, a copycat, and a spammer. To top it off, I have now been seriously burned by people I trusted.
All things that hurt. Especially from those I think are my allies.
Then there is the desire to see how I am doing in the blogosphere. Something I think a blogger should never do. Because there is always going to be a bigger blog. There will always be someone doing this for less time than I have that will have higher traffic, more opportunities, and a larger presence in social media. Especially if I know them, I am proud of them and their amazing accomplishments. But, to be honest, it is hard to watch some days. Hard not to feel inferior and unpopular. I think that is just human nature.
Most days, I am realistic about all of this. I know that as long as I put out good, honest, content and am true to myself, and share with my readers what interests me and might help them, I’ll be OK. I know that eventually, it will all work itself out and I will get to continue doing what I now have a passion for. Blogging.
But I also know that there will be more weeks like this one. Where I will make mistakes, put my trust in someone else, and let remarks made hurt me to the core. I know that there will be more days when I will want to pack it up and walk away. Where my hard work seems futile and my goals unreachable.
But until then, I suppose I will just keep on keeping on. I adore my readers and consider you a very, very special part of my life. I love telling you about my family, my children, and my highs and lows as a mother. I love knowing what I put on the page is going to be honest and affect someone who might think they are alone.
I love having a say about products and offering them to you and I know the majority of you appreciate it because you tell me you do. But I know it is a lot. And I know that some think I have sold myself to the monetizing bloggers of the world. And yes, it is nice to be paid for something that I love to do. Especially in times of financial struggle. But I am not in this for the proverbial paycheck. I am in it to make connections, make friends, and to give myself a place to talk.
I hope that shines through.
Because I truly love this blog and the people I have met through it. It would make me very, very sad to give in to the depression of blogging.
**originally published July 2011**