I was feeling good. Great, actually. On my way home from Crossfit, work under control for the day, bills getting paid, taxes done, want for nothing good. The sun was shining, the windows were down and my radio was blaring. So when the phone rang, it never occurred to me that the conversation I was about to have would even be possible on such a good day. This was the day my daughter took a knife to school.
Every parent knows that feeling when they see the name of their child’s school pop up on the phone. The first thought is that someone is sick and you start calculating how long it will take to get your ill feeling munchkin into your arms so that you can care them back to health. The second thought was that maybe there was an accident on the playground. I get those all the time. Katie fell off the slide and skinned her knee, Megan bonked heads with a kid while playing tag, Sarah fell off the monkey bars and landed wrong.
These calls I can handle. These calls I am prepared for. In fact, in the 5 years that my kids have been in school, only once have I gotten a call about behavior and it turned out it was directly related to my kid not getting enough sleep at their dads the weekend before. Tired kids make for behavior issues, in my experience.
So when the Vice Principal – and she NEVER calls me, like EVER – told me that she needed to talk to me about my 1st grader, I thought it might actually be that she broke a bone or something. Never, in a million, gagillion years, did I ever expect to hear the words, ‘She brought a knife on the bus.’
Do you ever have that wind knocked out of you, stomach falling, can’t catch your breath reaction to news? You know, the one where the world starts spinning and all that comes out is a sharp inhale with your mouth gaping open?
Yes, that is how I reacted to that sentence. In fact, as the vice principal talked, I, literally, heard nothing. My ears were ringing, my heart was pounding and I was imagining the most horrible images possible.
Somewhere in the fog of my reaction, I heard the details. My daughter, my sweet little 6 year old that has never been in trouble a day in her life in school, managed to grab a butter knife without me seeing it and put it in her backpack. She pulled it out on the bus to show a friend who had asked her to bring it to prove she is allowed to use butter knives at home and, before they got from her stop to the next one not 100 yards away, the bus driver saw it and took it from her. But, as required, the bus driver had to report the incident to the school so they had to have a talk with her to explain the rules of the bus. My daughter was very honest about having it, never tried to hide it, told her reasons for bringing it and said she was sorry even though she did not know it was not allowed. The vice principal was very proud that she handled it like a big girl and did not try to excuse bringing it or blame anyone else. All was good, as far as they were concerned, except they did have to write her up and put it in her file.
Mortified. I was mortified.
By the time we were done with the conversation, I had apologized a million times, promised I would reinforce the message at home and managed to hang up without wrecking my car. A huge feat, I might add. And then I had to wrap my mind around what just happened.
The berating started with me. HOW did my child manage to get a butter knife out of the drawer and into her backpack without me noticing? I am always in the kitchen in the morning, barking orders, telling the kids to hurry up and popping waffles in an effort to get some food in them before school. I rarely leave my command post. Unless a shoe can not be found. Unless someone needs help with their hair. Unless I need to pee.
But then, how did I miss it when I checked her backpack to make sure her folder was in it? I mean, sure, she had library books, a lunch pail with her snack in it, a jacket stuffed inside and her favorite American Girl Magazine, but still. How did I miss a big, shiny, silver knife?
Immediately feeling the weight on my shoulders for missing it, I could not find a way to talk myself into believing that this was not my fault. It is MY job to make sure my kids are not breaking any rules. MY job… no one else’s. And I failed. The rest of the day I felt the weight of knifegate.
It was not until gymnastics that evening when I shared the story with a mom and dad also banished to the metal bleachers while our children flipped and jumped around in the gym that some humor was brought to the subject. Both laughed and said, kids will be kids and that I should not worry too much about it. That curiosity was the motive and that she was not trying to hurt anyone. I felt better, even laughing at the jokes about raising a mass butterer – come on, THAT is funny!!, but still had to do some soul searching to figure out how to deal with it.
In the end, Megan told me the whole story, eyes looking at me, no excuses, no passing off the blame and said she just did not know better. She did not want to tell me which friend asked her to bring it but it does not really matter. I explained that making good decisions also means telling friends no when they want you to do something that might not be OK. I had her write apology notes to the bus driver and the vice principal and she delivered them this morning and gave hugs to both.
As for me, I learned that just because I think I have it all under control, some things are going to slip by me. So I take this incident as a HUGE lesson to be more diligent, more aware and more broad minded about my kids and what issues they may run into as they grow up.
So the day my daughter took a knife to school ended up being a lesson for all of us. At the fear of being screamed at by moms online who will totally blame me, I had to share. Maybe this will remind all of us to be more aware of things that may slip by in the rush of crazy in the mornings. It sure has hit home for me.
WHY in the name of all that is holy would anyone yell at you or “blame” you for sharing this? What I will fuss about is letting mommy guilt blow this up way bigger in your mind than it is, or has to be. It was just a childhood incident. Your kid took a butter knife to school. There was no evil intent. She didn’t do it because she was fearful. No one was harmed. A lesson was learned. And it’s not the end of the world. Give yourself a break.
Thanks!! But you would be surprised!! LOL Yes, the incident was minor compared to what it could have been. But THANK YOU because you are right, mommy guilt has a way of blowing things way out of proportion!! :)
Thank you for sharing Lori. I am going through a similar situation with my 5 years old and luckily for me, I found the knife before he entered the school. I am breaking my head and just searching on why my son did this. I am looking for a child therapist or psychologist for him to see why he did this. As a parent we blame ourselves. I haven’t slept in days thinking about this. My sweet little boy who is not violent tended to take a knife to school.
I’m with Beckey here ^ but seriously, I know the feeling. I totally felt the mom guilt coming and it’s not even my child, lol!! You have such the sweetest girls though, and you can tell you’ve raised them right with their honesty and openness with you. Good job Mama.
Aww, thank you lady! I am trying!! I am super proud that she openly talked about it and did not melt down!
With Becky too…and sad…because we live in a society where I have to explain to my 8yo how to be in lockdown, how to be aware of expressing feelings (my 15 yo war written up for writting a poem inspired in the Holocaust) and what not to bring to school. It is really sad that we are permanently affecting such inocent creatures and making them feel ashamed and censored for minimalistic things. As a working mom, my kids can take something to school without my knowledge. Thanks for sharing so I can have this conversation with all 3 kids…give many hugs to your princesses!
Thank you and I agree. It is a sad world when little elementary school kids have to be taught how to hide from danger that is so prevalent :( I hope one day we can fix the issues for real…
Poor kiddo probably had no idea that was even a rule, and why would she? You should be proud that she was honest when confronted — as a teacher, I can tell you that is very important quality! Glad everything worked out okay!
Thank you! I was very proud of her honesty too! She knows better now, that is for sure!