**Originally published 11/3/10**
I have never been so stressed out in my life. Things are falling on my shoulders at the rate of a glacier per hour and I am begging every fat cell to man up and stand tall. Unfortunately, it is right after Halloween and they are too busy eating themselves into a sugar coma to pay much attention to my needs.
So, here I am. Fighting against writing this post for many, many reasons. One being that the chance of it sounding whiny and pathetic are high. Meaning that most readers have already left. Another being that I am well aware of how good I have it. I have three healthy children, a good job, and good friends. Despite many struggles along the way, I do have a family that loves me.
I know a lot of people who can not say the same. So, to them, my tiny gripes just make me seem ungrateful, selfish, and a lot on the annoying side. And for them, I have tried to at least shield my complaints with humor and satire, lest they be easier to take.
But, I wonder, where am I supposed to go to “vent”? Am I even allowed to have menial issues that keep me up at night, make me cry, and send my shoulders into muscle spasms from the tension? Or am I to sweep them under the rug, deeming them not as important as someone else’s struggle, and absorb the guilt of feeling like I even have something to be stressed out about?
Thus adding to my stress.
Fun circle of insanity, isn’t it?
I suppose I could continue to complain to my good friends, and they would not mind it really, but it does get old. And there are only so many play dates in a row that I can complain before the phone stops ringing. And, to be perfectly honest, I often leave feeling a little more down after wasting my time with great people just complaining about my issues. They deserve more, really.
You probably are wondering, now that I have set this up for an hour, what in the world has me so stressed out and conflicted, anyway?
Being a stay at home mom is hard. Very hard. Harder than anything I have ever done in my life. And I was a foster kid, so I know some hard knocks. There is so much more to this job than just being here for the kids. If it were just that, it would still be stressful.
I remember when Katie was born and we had to drop her at the sitter every morning. My ex-husband could not even do it because it brought tears to his eyes. So, it fell on me. My eyes were not dry either, but, as the Mother, I was supposed to be wired to deal with it better I guess. I don’t know. It was never really explained to me why doing all of the “hard” stuff fell on me. But it did. As I suppose it does on all mothers.
When I crunched the numbers, 6 months pregnant with Sarah, we realized that, if we were careful, I could stay home with the kids. Something my ex-husband wanted desperately. We talked about it for a month or so, attempted to live that month on one income, and when he was offered a promotion into management, we jumped on it. The idealistic life of having a parent at home wooed us.
I quit working out of the house one week later.
I had my second daughter, my ex-husband started working longer hours and my image of what this all was going to be like started to come apart at the seams. Raising these children was not going to be a team effort. It could not be. He was gone all day, I was alone all day. I no longer had the financial pat on the back I had worked so hard for in my adult life and my ex-husband was so tired trying to figure out his new position that he barely had enough energy for his daughters, much less me.
We had another daughter, moved into what we thought we wanted all along – a fixer upper on land – and watched as the stress level in our lives skyrocketed. My ex-husband’s job became even more demanding, as did mine. And we vastly underestimated the initial costs in moving into a home that was neglected and vacant for over four years.
Now we have three high energy, young, demanding children, a less comfortable lifestyle since we sunk all of our extra money into making this house livable, and no time or extra money to keep up with what we want to do. My ex-husband’s job has gotten even more demanding, thus leaving almost every aspect of the children, the house, and anything not related to his job, on my shoulders.
Because of the situation, we are having an incredibly difficult time connecting. Little things are causing major blow outs and neither of us knows what to do to get it back on track. I resent that he is always gone, he resents that it is never calm here, and we are both caught up in the woulda, coulda, shoulda game. We can’t afford therapy and don’t have a sitter anyway, so we just spin… out of control… hoping that when things calm down, we’ll both end up on the same side of the tornado. House and family in tact.
Add to that the kids. And my disappointment in how I am doing with them. Katie has gone from this very loving, kinda easy to manage child to a defiant, sassy, boundary pushing mess. She is showing signs of my inability to know what to do with her. She is biting her nails, chewing on her lip, and having emotional break – downs at will. All signs of nervousness, insecurity, and discourse in her life. Caused by me, I am sure.
Sarah still pees in the middle of the floor when she wants, tries to twist her hair – though I cut it off to make it less awful looking – and is so attached to milk that any attempt to take it away sends her into a painfully hard to watch melt – down. Since she is three, I let her have it. Figure I’ll fix it all later.
Until she came up anemic. Now, I have guilt. Bad parenting, know I should have done better, feel like my laziness has made her sick, guilt. Now she is on a supplement and if we can’t get more iron into her, and less milk, she will have to be pricked in the arm for blood draws, thus bringing back very bad memories last year of her trip to the ER and then the Children’s Hospital.
Megan, I have not ruined yet. But seeing my track record, I feel it is inevitable. If I can’t even fix the issues I do have, how can I prevent them from happening again?
Add the other unavoidable stresses of having three dogs, one of which is a chicken killer and always a concern, one who is dying and has to pee every 1 hour at night, thus interrupting my sleep even more, and how in the world we will ever get through the rest of this year, and I am a stressed out, wound tightly, mess of a… well, mess?
And then the stress of pouring my heart out here – and how people will react to it. Some will relate and send compassion. Some will roll their eyes and blow off my concerns, wishing I would shut up and let them know when I get some “real” problems. And some will try to help, meaning well, but not know what to do. Just as I don’t.
Until I figure it out, I suppose, I will just absorb the stress, live in conflict of whether I should even have a complaint or not, and fight like hell to make sure it does not consume me and make me a really rotten mother. Because I could not bear it if I were also failing at the one thing I stayed home to do… be an amazing mother to my kids.
PS: I promise I just had to get this out. Now that it is, I will return to your regularly scheduled light hearted and happy posts ;D Thanks!
Because of the situation, we are having an incredibly difficult time connecting. Little things are causing major blow outs and neither of us knows what to do to get it back on track. I resent that he is always gone, he resents that it is never calm here, and we are both caught up in the woulda, coulda, shoulda game. We can’t afford therapy and don’t have a sitter anyway, so we just spin… out of control… hoping that when things calm down, we’ll both end up on the same side of the tornado. House and family in tact.
Add to that the kids. And my disappointment in how I am doing with them. Katie has gone from this very loving, kinda easy to manage child to a defiant, sassy, boundary pushing mess. She is showing signs of my inability to know what to do with her. She is biting her nails, chewing on her lip, and having emotional break – downs at will. All signs of nervousness, insecurity, and discourse in her life. Caused by me, I am sure.
Sarah still pees in the middle of the floor when she wants, tries to twist her hair – though I cut it off to make it less awful looking – and is so attached to milk that any attempt to take it away sends her into a painfully hard to watch melt – down. Since she is three, I let her have it. Figure I’ll fix it all later.
Until she came up anemic. Now, I have guilt. Bad parenting, know I should have done better, feel like my laziness has made her sick, guilt. Now she is on a supplement and if we can’t get more iron into her, and less milk, she will have to be pricked in the arm for blood draws, thus bringing back very bad memories last year of her trip to the ER and then the Children’s Hospital.
Megan, I have not ruined yet. But seeing my track record, I feel it is inevitable. If I can’t even fix the issues I do have, how can I prevent them from happening again?
Add the other unavoidable stresses of having three dogs, one of which is a chicken killer and always a concern, one who is dying and has to pee every 1 hour at night, thus interrupting my sleep even more, and how in the world we will ever get through the rest of this year, and I am a stressed out, wound tightly, mess of a… well, mess?
And then the stress of pouring my heart out here – and how people will react to it. Some will relate and send compassion. Some will roll their eyes and blow off my concerns, wishing I would shut up and let them know when I get some “real” problems. And some will try to help, meaning well, but not know what to do. Just as I don’t.
Until I figure it out, I suppose, I will just absorb the stress, live in conflict of whether I should even have a complaint or not, and fight like hell to make sure it does not consume me and make me a really rotten mother. Because I could not bear it if I were also failing at the one thing I stayed home to do… be an amazing mother to my kids.
PS: I promise I just had to get this out. Now that it is, I will return to your regularly scheduled light hearted and happy posts ;D Thanks!
I'm totally not laughing. Only, I've been BABYSITTING my SIL's dog for FOUR YEARS! She's 14. I hear you on the elderly dog.
Don't worry. It is hard. For anyone who does it. There's little appreciation. But, there is great reward. Like, when they're sleeping (kidding, really!).
All I can say is- if you can't vent on your own blog, then why do you have it, right? Let it out! And- I feel your stress, we all have it, it's how we deal with it that makes us who we are.
Geez- I hope that makes sense. As I write this there is a tamborine/drum parade going through. my. head. SCREAM!!!
hang in there. of course you are free to vent. im so sorry :( as a WOHM with an incredibly demanding evil job I can still say that being a SAHM mom is harder esp if its you with those crazy dogs too. hugs.
I'm right there with you. I have three daughters and they drive me crazy every minute of the day. Right this moment, my 6 yr old is writhing on my floor begging me to open a pack of candy and refusing to do her homework.
Feel free to vent to me anytime.
I tottaly understand, although I have no advice. Being a SAHM is THE hardest. I am constantly stressed out over 'the little things'
It will get better (and easier) soon!!
(((hugs))) I'm right there with ya. 2 toddlers, a house, a cat (luckily independent), and a husband who works 90+ hour weeks regularly. Vent away my dear, I understand.
Reading your blog was like listening to my mind! It's so encouraging knowing someone else is going through the same things.
Your blog honestly makes me feel less crazy!!! I love it!
OMG – you guys are so incredibly fantastic! I am seriously getting goose bumps reading your very honest and wonderful comments! I won't lie- this is possibly the toughest time in my life. I sincerely appreciate all of your continued support!
I honor and respect a woman that can be transparent enough to share what's on her heart. Hence the title of my blog. I love that you just poured your heart out. I hate that your heart is hurting and you feel like you don't deserve to be listened to. I understand your hurt. I've been there. I am there. I feel like I just read my life in your post…Only I'm on the opposite end of things…I feel the guilt for being away from my kids. I am your husband (and we only have 2 kids). I work full-time, my husband stays home. The only suggestion I have is to try your hardest to get a date night in even 2x a month. Do you have any friends that would be willing to watch the kids for 2 hours so you and your hubby can sneak out for a trip to the local bookstore (FREE!!) Or a coffee shop (you could share a cup of coffee)? Somewhere, anywhere so you can reconnect…without the kids. Without being in your house. Without the dogs. I've done the remodel thing…twice. I will never do it again. :( I hear you. I understand you. Thank you for sharing!!!!!!
I have no advice for you :-( but can assure you that when I lay my head down tonight, I will make sure you (and your hubby and kids) are included in my prayers.
Oh, mommy. If there is one thing you should feel ZERO guilt about, it's using your own blog to gripe when you need to. And, um, it sounds like you have plenty of good reasons to gripe. :) XOXOXO
You have the hardest job in the world! A stay at home to 3 little ones with no spouse support? Forget it, nothing harder. Hang in there, you are in the depths of it and it WILL get easier as the girls get older!
Thank you all for your prayers and for helping me see that I am not alone. That means the world to me. I feel better just getting this out. Having such great readers is icing and has put a permanent smile on my face. Thank you for making me smile through it all! I will be praying for wonderful things for all of you!!
Hey Lori,
I just wanted to send you a big hug! I've been there and I want you to know it's really HARD. Everyone makes it seem like being a SAHM will be this huge dream life… you're the lucky one who can really BE with your kids and be the main influence and … blah, blah, blah… well, I've been a SAHM and a WAHM and I gotta say that being at home was the hardest job I ever had… no mandatory breaks, no mandatory lunch hour… no adult conversation for hours on end… and yeah, to afford it my H worked crazy hours so that all he could do was come home and veg at the end of the day.
It's okay to be real and let it out here. This is your blog and most moms will definitely understand. Be gentle with yourself, ok?
I cried while reading this because I could have written it myself. I’m a 27yr-old SAHM with a sassy 4yr-old daughter, tantrum-ing 2 yr-old boy, sweet 9 week old boy, and three crazy dogs, two of them on 2x/daily meds for lifelong issues. Hubby works long hours, I very rarely get a break, and I am yelling too much and feel like I am not doing a good enough job at the one “job” I always wanted =( Just wanted you to know you are not alone,
-Amy in NE
HI Amy!
Thank you so much for reading and I hope you stick around! I know where you are with 3 kids, 3 dogs and almost no help. It is a tough spot and can be so draining and hard to deal with. YOU are not alone and I – and my readers are ALWAYS here for you!! Thank you for coming by and much love!
Lori
Thank you for being real. I myself have a great family and husband however struggle with all the stress of being a sahm. Every thing you’ve mentioned above I’ve gone over in my mind like 1000s of times and its always on thursdays for some reason when I can no longer handle it all. All the organizing, planning, mhomeschooling a gifted 3rd grader, dealing with 4 yr olds obsession with making his 1 yr old sister upsetby constantly pulling on her and trying to ride horsey on her, making sure the kids and hubby have everything, trying to eat right and exercise, working as an itinerant minister, and my hubby working 2 jobs with lots of hrs, etc… I could go on but I think the picture is seen:) I’m facing the fact that it may be burnout and trying to find Godly solutions to get me back on track.
You have my support 100%. We moms should support each other and stand up for one another. Much love and hugs and I am always here to listen!!
Typos courtesy of my iPhone. They auto correct ‘auto-correct’. What do you expect?
Everyone has something that stresses them from time to time, but everyone also needs to vent from time to time. Never feel guilty for that. That is what makes you a good person and mother. The things that stress you are things that matter….your family! Keep your head up and know we feel you….. and support you!
Thank you! Over the years I have learned that everyone does need an outlet! I am glad I have readers like you who understand!!