I was finally relaxing after an insane day yesterday. I had sent the kids off to their weekly two hour dinner with their dad and was warmly curled up on the couch, tablet in hand for Candy Crush domination, and flipped on the television. There was not much on but I settled on a show that was talking about kids and the internet and the dangers. It was a story piece highlighting several kids that had gotten killed as a result of online interactions. Fully aware that this show would confirm that my kids will not get on social media until they are 21, a recurring comment kept coming up that annoyed the living crap out of me. ‘He/ she was raised in a single mom home, parents divorcing when they were younger.’ Further conclusions about the ‘typical’ single mom household being unstable and leading to low self esteem which led to bad decisions that got them killed really got me angry.
I call bull. Actually, I call something else after bull but this is a family friendly blog.
Being married does not mean you will raise great kids just as being a single mom does not mean you will raise a crappy one.
I am a single mom with no intention of remarrying or even dating while my kids are in my home. My whole purpose in my life right now is to be totally focused on getting these little girls raised to be the best they can be. I care about their self image, their confidence and their ability to make good decisions in life. I don’t discard them for anyone else. I don’t ‘need a break’ from my kids. I work early in the morning to late at night so that I can stay home and be here when they get off the bus. So that I can be at their school functions, be at any meetings I need to handle and watch them with care and concern when I think they need a little extra attention and love. I know all of their friends, the parents of the friends and the people they hang out with that are in their lives when they are home. They freely tell me about people that they hang out with when they are at their dads. Though I don’t agree that little girls should be going to parks with no supervision or to a kid’s house when only the dad is home, when they are with him, I have to pray his bad decisions do not lead to my girls having a childhood trauma.
I also know that challenges are ahead. I am fully aware that alcoholism exists heavily on their dad’s side, that bullies are being honed to perfection all around them and that the teen years are not here for me to fight through yet. I also know kids lie, hide things and try to get what they want while deceiving parents when they think they can. I’m not stupid, but I am determined to help offset anything that could blow up in their faces as the years pass.
The reality is, I am like most single mother’s I know. We are all trying to do the best for our kids, often putting ourselves below last to make sure they have what they need. We know that no one is going to step in and do this for us. So we give it our all, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
Are there single mom, or single parent households that are not the best example for kids? Absolutely. But there are households that have married parents that are just as bad too. The lesson I was teaching my kids by being in a marriage full of stress, infidelity, mistrust and fighting was a lot more detrimental than a home where they see their mother rebuilding her life to stand on her own two feet.
Furthermore, being married does not mean that both parents are even there. Are military families where a parent is shipped off long periods of time more prone to raise criminals? Essentially, the parent left at home is a single parent. What about parents who work shift work and sleep all day and work all night? Are those kids more apt to do drugs? How about a widow? Are they considered single parent homes turning out the scars on society? With so many family structures and situations kids are presented these days, isn’t it a bit near sighted to pigeon hole one type of parent over another simply on the living situation?
I am SICK of the internet perpetuating this stereotype that single moms are raising the next round of the prison population. How about we try to make life a little easier for single parents by lending a hand, offering to perpetuate that it take a village to raise a child instead?
I am a proud single mom with raising my kids at the center of every decision I make. I dare anyone to come in here and tell me that my kind, loving, well meaning children are going to turn out to be horrible kids who prey on others or make decisions that are unsavory just because I chose to be a single mom instead of in a marriage that was trash to start with.
I dare you.
I’m confused. I’ve never known about a single mom stereotype. Did I miss the memo? I am a single mom. My aunts and grandmother who raised me were single moms. In my nearly 50 years of living, I’ve never heard anything negative about single moms at all. All I’ve heard were words like “strong, and “inspiring.” But I’m usually pretty unaware of the negatives out there.
It is definitely out there. Now that we can not handle things but that we are something like 9 times more likely to raise criminals or kids who make bad choices. When I heard this over and over on the show, I was so irritated so I looked it up online and yes, the articles overwhelmingly support that single moms raise kids who may not make good decisions more than married moms. I was SHOCKED!!
I had a teacher back in grade school that thought I was going to be a horrible student because I came from a single parent home…my mom had a regular parent teacher meeting and he kept bringing up that he sees there is no father in the home and saying well most kids that come from single parent families are trouble makers….my mom kept asking the question if i was causing any trouble and he would say well no not right now but studies show that most children are trouble makers that come from a single parent home….This was many years ago as i am almost 40 but yes it was and still is out there. it is very sad that people still think that.
WOW! That is very sad! I hope that these sterotypes start to fade quickly!
I was a single mom for 18 of my daughter’s 23 years. She is out on her own now. She works, cleans, cooks, eats healthy, is studying to be a dog trainer, and takes good care of her Corgi. I think I must have done OK.
You are a good mom. Unfortunately, in the real world, single moms often work minimum wage jobs and long hours. Then they want a social life. Then there is the parade of men. There is often alcohol and drugs. The kids suffer from obesity and behavior problems from not having a healthy diet of fresh real foods. Then there are the obvious problems when kids pretty much raise themselves.
We have chosen not to go down that path. Unfortunately, we are the minority.
Kudos to you!
Thank you Carole! I think that sometimes single moms have a hard time making ends meet. I feel for the woman who has to work long hours out of the home and can not imagine the strain it puts on them. I pray i can avoid all of the pitfalls :)
I have raised my 3 boys on my own for 9 years since they were 6, 4, and 1. A few years ago when my two older were in middle school I had a teacher tell me that he could tell my boys were raised in a loving home by two parents because they were so polite and great students. I told him that I was a single mom and then he said the boys dad must be involved a lot in their life. I told him he wasn’t and didn’t even live in the area. He then said there must be strong male influence in the home. I told him no, didn’t have a boyfriend nor was I looking for one. He paused and then said, “you have done an amazing job raising them on your own.” The fact he assumed their was a father or father figure in the home because my boys are great students and very polite floored me. I know he wasn’t trying to be rude, he had just bought into the stereotype of children raised by single moms. I’m glad there are so many of us breaking down that stereotype. Kudos to all of us great parents.
WOW! It is amazing the stereotype goes through to schools as well, isn’t it? GREAT JOB!! I am impressed :)
WORD! Well written and so true. There are sooooo many studies that can prove anything these days, it’s too bad in this world today everyone focuses on the negative. Tune it out and keep doing what you’re doing!
Thank you, Kristen! I am so thankful for your comment! :) Tuning out as instructed :)
I stumbled on here when i came across your reply to that Ann Coulter video. Lori, I’m a single mom too to an 18 yr old who am so proud of and I so so love thus post!
Hi, I am also a single mom from India, Here I feel condition seems to be more worse. Single mom are just looked upon like black tag to the society. But definitely there is a change in the socitey from past and now.What I feel is people have he mouth and they will say what ever they wish its upto us what to listen what shuld not affect us.