Back in October 2012, I met the most amazing woman on a Cruise on the Disney Magic. Placed at the same table as we were both moms with children there on our own, we struck up a bond and a friendship that I cherish to this day. Diana with Hormonal-Imbalances.com is a woman that deserves respect, love and admiration. We should all be so lucky to know her. Having lost twin boys just a short time before the cruise at the 20th week of her pregnancy, she had just been told that an adoption she thought was going through had stalled as well. But as she sat with her beautiful daughter, patient, loving and beaming with the pride of motherhood, you would not have been able to tell the trauma she had been through. A blessed pregnancy followed the cruise and, though feeling ill, she is doing well with it and will have a second child this year {6/2/14 update: sadly she lost this little boy shortly after his birth}. She asked that I write a guest post for her blog based on discussions we had on the about balancing it all and I am honored. So here is it. My guest post on Hormonal-Imbalances.com. Diana’s amazing blog!
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I think that, as moms, we all want to do our absolute best at one thing: being a mom. At least I do. I want to be patient, attentive, creative, loving and amazing. And I think I was… for the first few months of all of their lives.
And then life stepped in. Three children in three years, a stressful move, the depression of money issues and finally, the divorce that was put into place that, truly, had been coming since the beginning.
And my perfectly imagined motherhood suddenly seemed unattainable. I had other things to think about in order to take care of these children. Bills to pay, a house to clean, homework to help with and the emotional stress of a bad marriage that they witnessed and the ugly divorce that followed.
I will say, my soon to be ex has been gone for about 7 months now and it has been both freeing and scary as all get out at the same time. Once I picked myself up by my bootstraps and wrapped my head around the reality of the situation, I had to get serious really fast about not only my future, but the future of my three little girls too.
To my complete amazement, I seem to be doing OK with it all. But I could not tell you how, to be honest. I guess my lessons from childhood to let the past be the past and look to the future are paying off. And to take it one task at a time, marking them off as done.
But I do get questions from moms – single and happily married – as to how I do it. How do I mange three little ones six and under, a house that is 30 years old and always in need of repair and cleaning, and a blog that supports us all and could, literally, consume 23 hours out of the day if I could let it.
The answer is, I don’t do any of it well. I am not going to lie to you. But I do my absolute best and pray it is good enough in the categories that matter. I love my children with every ounce of my being. Every cell, every heartbeat, every breath is better because of these three little girls. I can not imagine my life without them. As I navigate through my days, I always have them and their best interest in my heart. I don’t think any mother in the world would not be able to relate to that.
In that light, my work had to be a priority as well. It is what feeds my kids, keeps them clothed and gives us the ability to pay for the roof we live under. So I have to work. The issue here is guilt. I feel very, very guilty when my kids want attention and I have to meet a deadline. Because I am in the house working, I am – clearly – at their beck and call. But sometimes, I have to work and I can’t just reserve it for before they wake up and after they go to bed. I am already up at 6am and don’t go to bed before midnight. Seven days a week.
It is a little different than if I left every day and went to an office and they went to school and daycare. I do not ‘disappear’ for the day and come back in the evening to give them 100% of my attention until the next day. And my job is not 8 – 5. It is 24 hours a day and I, often, have to stop and reply to something or accept something or fix something right then and there. My kids are sort of used to it. But on the days when I have so much to do, I feel the guilt pouring out of me and crushing my dreams of being the most attentive mom I can be.
So my solution to still give myself some time and energy for my children and my work was to not be so crazy about my house. Now, if you ask my ex, I stopped being crazy about the house when I started the blog. But that is not actually the truth. In fact, I had so much energy when he finally left that I used to spit shine the floors! So I got used to having a nice, clean house. The problem was, when I came off that high and the low hit, I stayed in bed a lot. I let the house go, started missing deadlines and the quality time I spent with my kids was watching movies.
They did not complain, but that is not the kind of mom I wanted to be.
So when I came out of the fog, I prioritized. Kids first -always – work second and the house… well, it might come in 5th behind showering and actually wanting to clean the house. Laundry is twelfth but I think it is in any household no matter what the structure. Who invented laundry anyway? They did not think it through well enough.
I don’t have a perfect solution to balancing it all. I don’t even have an inkling of a clue how to do it right. But, truth be told, I don’t know if anyone knows how to do it all right. And whether you have one child or five, are single or married, are a Type A or a little more on the laid back side, parenthood mixed with anything will leave you feeling like you have not done enough.
We all struggle to be better, more patient, more attentive, more honest, more predictable. More like we all think motherhood should be. But the reality is, if it were that way, it would never be near as fun or rewarding.
Nor would it be life.
Find more Motherhood Posts at My Recent Writings
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**Originally published 2/28/2013**
Awesome. I have tons of respect for you. :)
Love this post. I could have written it. I was just thinking about it a few days back- how I was prioritizing wrong in certain aspects of my life. I realize that us, as moms, put too much pressure on ourselves to make sure we are all perfectly balanced. I know how hard it is, but we need to all give ourselves a pat on our backs to see how well we are all doing! Motherhood along with the balancing act is so hard. I love how you balance everything- you do a great job:)
What a great post. Even though I am technically only a mom 2 days a week (shes my step kiddo) life does get in the way and sometimes we feel like we arent doing our best. But she knows I am always there for her and have been there for almost all (but 3) years of her life. Balance is key, in everything. And kids thrive on balance. They also are a lot more understanding than we give them credit for.
I get it. I do. I was a single mom for a couple of years and it’s HARD to find that balance.
Some days are a lot easier than others :)
Wow kudos to you! I don’t know how you do it! I work part time and only have one kid and run around like crazy to get all my work done! I love hearing stories about good strong woman! Keep it up!
Thank you Amber!! And it is all relative! Working at all or not, motherhood can be tough
This is such a good post. I feel privileged that you have shared your lifes ups and downs with your readers. I am totally proud of you for taking your life back and winning!
Oh thank you Debbie!! I am honored to be these kids mom :)
Kudos to you for doing what you have to do to keep your family together and thriving. I hope you have a strong support system in place as well, because going 24/7 can take a toll on even the strongest woman.
Thank you! I have amazing friends and they are always here :)
Good for you and keep up the balance.
Thank you :)
It’s great to hear that you have found a balance. I am not a single mom, but my husband worked out of town for weeks at a time for years, and I know that was hard on our family and on me. I can’t imagine going it alone- you are a very strong person!
Thank you Pam – a husband that travels is almost as bad, I think. My ex did that and it was hard to compete with his work
I think every parent struggles with finding balance. Should it be all about the kids. Do you feel guilty taking ME time? Is it better to pick up the house or to read a story for the 100th time? Parenthood is all about finding the right balance for you and doing the best you can. I am glad you found a balance that works for you.
Thank you so much, Laura and yes, finding a balance can be so hard. But we all have to try every day!
I’m still struggling to find balance with life. And I have the support of my husband – and only one child! I’m amazed at how other moms handle everything. (And you’re doing a great job!!!)
Oh thank you! I don’t care how many you have, balancing anything with parenting in tough!
truly Inspiring. I thank my lucky stars that I have been so lucky!
I know a few amazing and inspirational single moms. Even as a married mom, it’s hard to find a balance in it all so what they do is truly magical.
I agree!! Everyone has their challenges, moms or not. But add a little dependent person and the craziness meter goes up!
Thank you for being brave enough to share this post. Mom guilt is hard.
You are so welcome!
What a journey you took! So brave to share your heartfelt story
You are amazing. I hate mom guilt, I really suffer from it. It is awesome you have found a great balance. House and laundry can definitely wait!
Oh thank you!! And yes, my 5 baskets of unfolded laundry agree with you! LOL
I think we all struggle with this. I blog and homeschool my kids, so I feel like we are constanly doing something.
Thank you for your honesty in this post. I’m sorry to hear that your family had to deal with this adjustment but am glad that you are finding your way. I hope you are all able to thrive.
Thank you so much!
You can do this! I am so happy to hear the resolve in your writing. The best of luck to you and your kiddos!
Thank you so much, Carly!
Men are overrated anyway!! Sounds like you are doing a fabulous job as a parent. Parenting is hard and always a challenge and worth every minute of it!
I’m so proud of you, and all that you are doing. You are truly as inspiring as your friend and we should all be so lucky to know YOU as well!
You are too kind, Brett. I can say the same about you!
Kids first – always. Great advice. Thanks for sharing your honesty.
Wow, this post is amazing, you are so inspiring! Also strong! I wish you good luck!
This is a really inspiring post. You are an amazing woman!
I love a parent who puts the kids first no matter what they are feeling. You go girl!
What an inspiring post. You are so strong to share it. Kids should be our #1 priority and you are on track. Pat yourself on the back because you are being the best mother for your kids.
This is a great post. I think the big thing we have on our sides as imperfect moms, is that our kids grow up and look back and see we did the important things. :)
It is a struggle, but we are super humans and we do it everyday with grace! Keep on doing your thing!
I hope single moms everywhere read this post! I’m married, but have so many family and friends who are where you are. I think in life, in the difficult situations, we tend to do like you said and pull the bootstraps up and just dig in and do what we need to do. Good for you! Keep up the hard and good work!
You have an amazing attitude and that gives me the impression that you and your family will do more than just “ok”. You also have a great gift of writing and I enjoyed reading every word of this post. Good luck to you and keep on keeping on.
Moms sometimes have superhuman strength that we have no idea that we had. You’re a strong woman and I hope to be that strong if I ever get in your situation.
You’re doing an amazing job, Lori. It’s a tough gig handling it all, and in spite of the stress of being the financial support in the home now, you’re still finding a way to put the kids first. Awesome!
Wow, Lori. I can’t tell you how impressed I am. You are right in saying that the best you can do WILL be good enough! You love your children and are an excellent mom and that goes further than anything else in this world.
Your attitude and honesty are so refreshing, Lori. All we can do as moms is our best and it will have to be good enough. Our kids don’t expect perfect. I was a single mom for 10 years and know what a tough gig it can be, but it can also be very rewarding. Hang in there. Please let your friend Diana know that I will keep her and her family in my thought and prayers.
You are doing a great job of it. I get the Mommy guilt, too. I have a 1yo, a 5yo, and a 6yo. I homeschool, am a minister, and I blog. It’s no easy task balancing it all, and sometimes I think I may slip off the balance beam, but then I breathe deep and do what you do… remember what matters.
Being a single mom is so tough. I am a single mom to two teens and I struggle daily to balance work and family life.
I am so sorry for all of Diana’s losses. But I am glad that she is handling it with the grace that she is.
You are both awesome women. Single motherhood is so hard.
It really is a struggle and I feel as though some days I just try to survive. I can’t imagine doing it without my husband, but my mom did. Many moms do and do it better than they would if they were not on their own!