I have the absolute best 5 year old on the planet. She is way smarter then I ever was, cleaver as can be and the sweetest, most gentle little 5 year old I have ever met. I can not imagine my life without her and am so blessed to have her to hug and kiss every day.
But if there is one thing that makes me wonder if I have a child with split personalities, it is her intense stubbornness. I would say that she gets it from her dad – and I would be right – but truth be told that it is in us both. I just hide it a little better, I think.
And I simply do not think that I know how to handle it all that well. At least, the screaming, tantrum throwing, crossing my arms and pouting I do when this gets out of control shows that.
OK -a little overtly dramatic but you understand.
Through the summer I have the girls in camps. I am the first to admit that I lack the creativity and patience to handle three kids all day and all night during the summer. I am a good mom but I am not ‘that’ mom. They need activity and it is HOT. So, Art Camp, Vacation Bible School and Swim Lessons are in order. And their dad put them in Cheer Camp.
The other day we were getting ready for the last day of Art Camp. Everyone was getting ready, happy as clams, getting distracted with other things when I needed them to focus. The typical morning.
I got two dressed, hair brushed, teeth brushed, faces washed, smiles affixed with no issue at all. But Sarah, sweet, sweet Sarah was getting close to full on tantrum.
The issue? All 25,000 of her purple shorts were dirty – she is a MAJOR purpleaholic, y’all! Like SUPER purple all the time – and I needed her to wear her one pair of brand spanking new, so super cute, she picked them out from OshKosh, pink ones.
Well… there was no reasoning. She went from happy and excited about camp to the most stubborn, whining, frustrating 5 year old I have ever seen. Literally, she was unrecognizable.
Now, I know when we reach this phase of total craziness that nothing I do will change a thing. I need to walk away and let her sit, stewing in her own inflexibility. But we had a place to go. A place I paid a lot of money for that the other two were excited about. So I can’t punish them for her tantrum, now can I?
So I got down on her level, turned on my mommy “you had better do this or else” tone and told her that she would put on the pink shorts, like it and smile about it or she would go to Art Camp in her underwear and everyone would laugh at her.
Not my most shining moment.
And it did not work anyway.
Things quickly reached fever pitch and I finally was fed up. I walked out of the house, told her good bye, got into my car where my other two were happily buckled in, waiting, and pretended that I was going to open the garage door and leave.
Bad idea, Mom.
I scared the living tar out of her. She thought I was really leaving her at home alone. As the crocodile tears fell and the “Mommy! NOOOO!” filtered through the air, I banished myself for my stupid decision.
When I scooped her up, squeezed her tight and told her that all she had to do was get her shorts on to go, I felt like dirt. But she did put her shorts on, get in the car and we made it to Art Camp. A little late but no harm, no foul.
On my way home I wondered how I could have handles that differently. More successfully. More like an adult. I had no clue and a little shiver went through me as I realized that I had better figure out how raising a stubborn daughter works or my next 15 years was going to be horrid.
And -at least in my motherhood – the last thing I ever want is to look back and think it was horrid!
So I am all ears. How do you handle stubbornness to a fault? I am taking suggestions.
Come Read More about My Motherhood in My Recent Writings
I have the ultimate stubborn child :) My husband and my mom both laugh at me because he is me…mini me. So I handle him like my mom and my husband handle me…pick my battles. Sometimes, I snap like a twig but I most of the time, I keep my cool and let him keep his dignity. I walk away during the tantrums but it’s hard when he does it at school. There you can’t just walk away.
(I also like this article http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child)
Thank you for the article!!!
I don’t really have advice and I’m not sure it will make you feel better but on more than one occasion I have ‘faked’ that I was leaving too. She usually freaks but she gets dressed, or puts her shoes on like u asked. I finally started telling her that she will do what I say and no matter how much she screams about it she will still do it or I’ll leave her butt at home. Surprisingly, even though I sound 100% like my mother, she’s been listening better.
Hmm -then maybe I should not feel so bad. I just wish I had the tools to calm her without scaring her or having to get so stern! LOL
I have two munchkins and my daughter is just like your child. She is sweet when she wants to be, but she can be stubborn, obnoxious, and flat out mean if she doesn’t get exactly what she wants. We have implemented a behavior chart with a magnet that moves when she acts like this. It has worked really well for us. If i even mention moving her magnet (even if we’re not at the house), she usually straightens uo right away. I’ll find the Pinterest link to my chart and post it here later tonight. Of course, this hasn’t worked 100%. She still is stubborn and inflexible sometimes, but this chart has improved her behavior by 70% or so. I’ll take that any day of the week! Good luck. I’ll go look for that link.
Oh wow! Yes. I would love to see it! Thank you!
Here’s the original one I saw, then I tweaked it to work for our family: http://m.pinterest.com/pin/58828338854646155/
Here’s ours: http://pinterest.com/pin/58828338854651716/
Awesome! Thank you!
This is my child too.. She is 5 and amazingly sweet; but also so strong. I know that this is going to be a good thing when she is older. She will never be pushed around and she will never be the girl that follows. This is of some comfort; but when she is freaking out about her pink dress that she still wants to wear after 4 days… it’s not very helpful. My mom was reading this article with me and we both agree it is her. She said we need to talk in the moments when they are happy sweet 5 year olds. Since we all know that once they have gone full tantrum there is no talking. I’m going to try a behavior chart.
I agree… sometimes talking to her in the sweet times can help her in the tough ones. Let me know how it is going!
Please don’t think that what you did is ok. I too, have a extremely stubborn daughter. I don’t have a answer right now except to tell you that if it cost missing a day at art class to teach her what she is doing is wrong, and to keep you from doing something that may hurt her for long time, then it will be well worth it. My daughter is 22, still just as stubborn. I did things like you did to get her to do what I wanted her to do. She often brings those up to me, reminding me that I didn’t care about her because I did such and such. I have asked her to forgive me for the things I did in raising her. It breaks my heart. Have you ever read any of the books about raising kids by the Tripp brothers? I can’t remember the names, but I sure wish I had them when I was raising my kids.
I don’t think it is OK. I want to come up with a way to handle this that will not harm our relationship as she grows. So I am open to all ideas! I am going to look up that Tripp brothers books. Thank you!
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like you think its ok. The book is called Shepharding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp. It is really good and is helping me as I take care of my grandchildren.
Not at all!! I sincerely appreciate the advice!
Honestly, I don’t think what you did was wrong. You have to lay down the law to show her that you’re in charge. Give her two options: do as I say, or you can stay home by yourself. It might scare her, but if she knows you are serious then just that warning will get through to her. It sounds harsh, but *you* are the parent and in charge. So don’t be afraid to take charge!
My daughter is only 3, but closer to 4 or 5 in how she acts and interacts, and the getting dressed thing has been an issue since she was about 2.
We have 2 things we do:
1 – we lay out the clothes the night before. She picks them with me, they go in a spot, that’s the end. There are mornings where she throws a fit because she “changed her mind” but I have to stick to my guns because otherwise nothing will work. I have dressed a crying flopping child in her predetermined clothes before.
2 – We have a reward chart system. I bought one from Etsy that you print weekly. It has 4 tasks you can identify yourself and 1 of them is “Get Dressed Properly” (and eat dinner properly, have a bath/shower nicely and go to bed nicely). She gets a sticker when she does it and a prize at the end (movie night, trip to her fav park, sometimes a toy). This seems to help with when she “changes her mind”.
Now, that helps with this problem but others, like last night when she spazzed out because I didn’t carry her the right way to bed? I don’t know!
I am not looking forward to the teenage years. My daughter disobeys so much that we sometimes thinks she has a hearing problem.