Just when I think I have it all figured out, reality hits and I am slapped with the truth that I may never, truly, have this parenting thing figured out.
Sometimes it happens once a month. Sometimes once a week. And some days are one big lesson after another.
Last night I was resolved to get my overly tired children to bed. They needed a solid nights sleep. I am still fighting to get them back on schedule since 2 1/2 weeks at their dads returned them so exhausted they could not even begin to be the sweet ladies that they naturally are.
Despite the fact that I never sleep – or at least it feels that way – I am a huge advocate for sleep for children. I can tell when my kids are tired, as most of us can, because they get surly, uncooperative, the fights escalate and they are more difficult to handle.
And when my oldest is tired, she is the most difficult to get to sleep. Even as a baby, my nanny used to call and tell me she had not napped at all. At 6 weeks old! When she gets tired, she stays up… crying, throwing tantrums and is totally inconsolable.
Night before last, she was overly tired. We had spent the day driving to and from my parents house two hours away and playing with old friends so all of the kids were exhausted. Upon returning home, she slept. But then woke a few hours later and screamed and cried until 1am. And then she and her sisters were up at 6:30am.
So that led to a day of bad attitudes, sassy behavior and more. Add to that two other sisters that were tired and at 6pm, I was resolved to get them to bed.
Two hours early. Daylight still shining outside.
So I did it. I put them to bed. Read them books, rubbed their backs and by 6:45pm, they were all out. I was so proud that I arrogantly posted on my Facebook page that “Tonight I proudly wear my supermom cape!!! #AllInBedEarly“.
Readers were impressed. I was impressed.
And then, a few hours later, as my first of three started to wake and need me, I saw the error in my decision. Their clocks were off, unused to the early bedtime, and I paid dearly for the decision.
My overly tired 6 year old woke 4- 5 times wanting hugs and kisses and to sleep with me. She cried and screamed and woke her sisters. And then my little one wet the bed. So I put her in my bed, which she promptly wet despite having been taken to the bathroom.
And then my 5 year old wet the bed. And by the time I had changed her sheets, took her potty and loved her back to sleep, my 6 year old was up again.
I think I got about 4 hours of interrupted sleep and a valuable life lesson.
I have set these kids clocks and despite that they are unset when they go to their dads, their little selves are thrown for a loop when I put them to bed two hours early.
Or at least that is my explanation. It’s probably wrong.
Because these parenting fails teach me that I don’t have a right to a cape. Because just when I think I have done something good, my kids show me otherwise. So cockines in my parenting ability fails often, thus teaching me the humbling lesson that I don’t – and probably won’t ever – know everything.
Oh well… maybe tonight, when I put them to bed on time – I will be blessed with a rare night of uninterrupted sleep!
I’ll use the cape as my blanket.
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For the sake of your kids, one would think that your ex should understand the need for keeping them on some sort of reliable schedule. Bouncing back and forth is hard enough on small kids… the lack of schedule just makes everyone miserable. :(
I agree 100%. However, much like when he lived with me, he is a ‘put them in front of the TV and let them fall asleep’ kind of parent. He’s a good dad but does not really understand how an erratic sleep schedule can disrupt a child’s happiness and personality!
I am going to say this lovingly as one mother to another, part of the problem with them getting up and “needing” you is the fact that you are enabling them to get their way by not refusing to let them go back to sleep on their own when they wake up. I had this problem when my oldest two were little. I wanted to be a “good parent” and make sure that I was “always” there for them and I ended up with a nightmare that took weeks to resolve. By letting them come to you when they wake up and not sending them back to bed, on their own, it teaches them that they can’t go back to sleep unless a certain pattern is followed.
Pick a bedtime, a routine, and FOLLOW IT TO THE LETTER. Tell them that they have new bedtime rules, explain how it is going to go, and then FOLLOW THROUGH!!! Follow through is the key because if you fudge even once, you undo the entire thing and have to start all over again. I know it is hard being a single mom and having them bouncing back and forth between two households but trust me on this, they can and will learn to follow a routine at your home regardless if they don’t with their dad and everyone will be better off for it.
This is not an “instant” fix, expect there to be arguments, complaints, whining, begging, screaming, tantrums, meltdowns, and otherwise bad behaviors until it starts working (it takes 21 days to start or stop any habit, patience you will need). Be upfront with them, YOU tell THEM how it is going to go and not the other way around, do not let them dictate how it will proceed because that is giving them power in the situation. Let them know that the only thing they can get up for is to go potty or for an emergency (define what an emergency is because they can and will define an “emergency” as “My foot was itchy” or “My blankets fell off”).
Here is the hard part: If they get up, take them back, tuck them in, leave the room. Do not use the bedtime routine except when you first put them in bed, no matter how much they whine, scream, cry, argue, fight, etc. because when you give in, they control you. They are ultimately looking for YOU to set the tone and if you read them stories, or rub backs, or wipe noses, or continue to soothe them every single time they get up, they not only expect that, but they believe that the only way they are allowed to go back to sleep is if you are doing that and you are taking the ability of falling asleep on their own away from them.
It took me over a month to “fix” this problem with my oldest two when they were young but once I did, they began sleeping through the night on their own, the bedwetting stopped, and we were all in a much better mood because none of us were butt dragging tired any longer and we were all able to do more fun things. It is ok to offer them incentives but DO NOT BRIBE them with treats or rewards because that teaches them that if they do what you want, they will get a reward for it. Children need to learn that good behavior is its own reward.
I’m offering this advice in love and for the sake of your sanity and the health of your children. I know this is a hard thing to overcome but trust in yourself and that you are doing what is best for them, even if it seems mean, cruel, or heartless. There is nothing wrong with some tough love when it is done for the best of your children. Good luck and hugs to you!
Trust me, I am not offended at all. Part of why I post this stuff is because I need help and opinions. Yes, I do not need to let them in my bed and I need to be firm. Your words let me know that this can happen so I am taking them to a T! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
You are welcome! Parenting is one of the hardest but most rewarding jobs you will ever have. One of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking I could do it without taking others advice LOL! Not all advice offered is good advice and it is up to us as parents to filter out the good advice (put ice on a bruise to prevent it from swelling) from bad (let the kid touch a hot object to learn not to touch it again) lol. Hope you are all sleeping refreshed in no time!
I agree and I so appreciate it!!! :)
I can totally relate to exhausted children. When my kids are off schedule everything is off. We try to keep a tight bedtime routine but sometimes it isnt easy. Just when you think your getting a break your not :)