Today marks a major milestone in my life and my children’s lives.  My three children are all in school for the first time since I started having children over 6 years ago.

Yes, my 3 year old started preschoool two days a week.  And with my middle sweetie, Sarah, in her last year of preschool three days a week and my oldest loving first grade, I am kid free now two days a week for several hours.

As I drove home this morning after the excitement of walking them into their classes, helping little Megan understand the routine – Sarah is a PRO – and taking a million photos, telling them I love them 7000 times and listening to the rules and regulations at the morning meeting, I let the tears spill from my eyes.  They were JUST born!  How does this happen so fast?

I looked in the rear view mirror at my three empty car seats and it hit me.  I was alone.

Totally alone.

Now what do I do?

Sure, I have a blog to write, a house that is way overdue for a deep cleaning, a car that needs vacuuming, a dog that needs walking, exercise that needs to be done.  But I have all of that anyway when my kids are at home all day, every day.

Why do I feel so lost?

So – dare I say it….  lonely?

If I want to go home and sit on the couch for the entire 5 hours and watch bad daytime TV I can.  If I want to lunch with a girlfriend and hit the stores for a day of shopping, I can.  I don’t have anything holding me back.  No kids to worry about tantrums from, no nap times to adhere to, no people to take care of.

And then it entered my over thinking, confused head that this might be why stay at home moms get such a bad wrap. Why people ask them what they do all day.  Especially once the kids are in school!

What DO I do all day?

Now that my kids are in school – even part time – am I now obsolete as a stay at home mom?

Is my job done?  At least the reason for staying home done?

If I am supposed to be reaping the reward of six years of day in and day out poop explosions, siblings fights, sudden boo boos and kids that don’t sleep, shouldn’t I enjoy this little perk?

Instead, despite the fact that I will probably sit at my desk working the entire time catching up from the craziest summer in history, I feel guilty.  Like I should be DOING something.  Like I should be earning my title, proving myself, showing how hard Stay at Home Moms really work!

It is an odd set of feelings rolling around in my head, spilling the truth into my heart, and ultimately decorating this page.

Who am I now?  On these days alone?  Without a child to hold, a smile to enjoy, a tiny hand to play patta-cake with when I want?

And am I alone in my thoughts?  How do other Stay at Home Moms feel on this day?  This monumental thud of freedom that comes right when you think it never will?  Or am I so engulfed in emotion right now that I am creating questions that really don’t need answers?

What are your thoughts?  How did you look at your job as a Stay at Home Mom once your kids entered school?  And how did you deal with it?