It is possible that I am typing this post with tears in my eyes. Frustrated, tired, at the end of my rope tears. Not because anything in particular is wrong. Not because I have any real complaints in life. But because I get up everyday thinking I can do it, I can handle it and I can succeed at everything my life entails. But I go to bed every night feeling like I did not do enough, I did not accomplish enough and that I need 15 more hours in the day just to make a dent. I feel like I let everyone down. From my kids to my clients to my dogs to myself. The worst part is, I think people have this image of me as this strong woman who plows through life without fear and with confidence. But the truth is, I am not as Strong as you think I am.
The summer that just ended marked two years since I chose to be a single mom. I have come through a divorce that destroyed any image of being loved and cared for that I ever had in the relationship, the struggles of maintaining a house where there is always something to fix and the financial challenge of being left penniless with three kids needing everything. I have done it. Sometimes with little grace and sometimes with screams that left my throat sore, but I did do it. I did not do it particularly well. I did not always make the best decisions, but I did it.
You would think that just knowing that would give me a skip in my step. An attitude of ‘Bring it on World’ and an arrogant confidence that would carry me through the daily struggles that any mother faces.
But the truth is, instead, I feel like I am drowning. Like I get one thing right in my life and another goes wrong. Like I was so busy paying attention to what was most urgent at the time that the little things that kept me afloat were ignored and are now coming back to remind me of my failures.
The worst times are when my kids are at their dads girlfriend’s house. The house that is usually so full of laughter, chatter, little girl fights and noise is so damned quiet. I can hear things I normally don’t. Like the kick on of the refrigerator and creek of the lazy fan slowly disbursing the still air. Alone with my thoughts, my cell phone still as all of my friends are busy with their own families, surrounded by photos of my life before, my ex with my girls, my girls as babies, a life that was supposed to go on forever… I start to hurt.
Not because I want him back – we could all find a better mate in a rock – but because of all of the change and all of the pain and all of the hurt that I imposed on my kids by even being with him. Because in the two years since the divorce, I have learned that people I thought were friends are most certainly not, that people will say whatever they can to get what they want and that there are cracks in the concrete barricade I have around my heart that allow the little hurts to get in.
Usually, I can buck up buttercup and work through anything that comes my way. I am a child of loss, after all, and though recently I have lost a dear friend from the past in a tragic accident, two friends who, after decades of being pals, decided they would rather not anymore, I have been able to see the rainbows in the cloudy skies.
My kids are happy and healthy for the most part. My bills are paid and those who have shown me they are truly friends are here if I really told them I needed them. My children are my purpose, my work my solace and my desire to maintain a lifestyle of love and fun a dedication.
But something is hampering my ability to be content and happy with myself. Something is in the way that is not allowing me to let the small stuff go and look at the big picture. When I get the girls to bed at night and sit in my own room watching whatever feel good show I can find – let’s face it, there are not many anymore – a sadness envelopes me. I wish I had structured my day better, spent more time with my girls, hugged them one more time, played school for the 7th time in 7 days, created a more memorable childhood for them, folded more laundry, cleaned one more dish, posted one more thing. I let tears fall as I replay everything that happened during the day and berate myself for not getting it all done the right way.
Maybe with all of the change and the settling into a calm, healthier life for me and my kids, the drama in the past and the truths front and center, I am simply finally tired and my body is making me heal. Maybe I am even a little depressed as I never took the time to really hurt for the fantasy which blew up in my face and it is my time. Or maybe this is just motherhood. This constant feeling that you did OK, but not good enough. That there is always a way to do better. Always a time you regret. Always a tear for what was lost while the chaos consumed you.
I am not as strong as you think I am. But I am strong enough for right now. Strong enough to tuck my thoughts and feelings deep in the corner of my mind when I am caring for my kids. Strong enough to let them come out when I am alone and needing to heal. Strong enough to admit that even if I don’t get it right, trying is good enough.
Strong enough to admit that I am human.
All you can do is your best. I too wa
Thank youi!
You’re young, beautiful, brave, smart, and capable. Your girls are gorgeous and always look very happy! You’re doing what you need to do, kiddo—hang in, hang on!
Thank you so much Sheila!! And thank you for thinking 41 is young – lol
Hey, lady, I’d love to be 41 again!
LOL – I hear ya :)
I am most sorry that you are going through this and I thank you for sharing something personal.
I haven’t gone through a divorce but I think most of your readers have gone through some sort of pain, trial or challenge in our lives. The most important thing you should remember is you are a SURVIVOR and not everyone survives great humps in life.
It’s different for all of us and we all take motivation and inspiration from different things. It might sound cliche but the saying “it’s always darkest before the dawn” is a powerful promise and statement. Hang in there and focus on the positive even if it’s hard. Even if you have to trick yourself at first in faking happiness just do it, it’ll eventually manifest as reality in your life.
xoxo
You are amazing for leaving such a heartfelt comment! I truly appreciate it and am working hard to make that dawn come faster!
I had a messy separation and a superjerky ex also. I regret and beat myself up a lot over things I did or didn’t do back then. My daughter, who is now 21, thinks I’m crazy. As far as she is concerned she had a pretty awesome childhood, despite the chaos – and there was a lot, including some serious jail time for her father / stepmother – and she understands (more than I do, maybe) – that I did the best I could with what I had at the time.
I am so glad to know they come out the other end ok!! Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment!
I’ve never been married but was in a LTR for 13 years. He abused me mentally and emotionally after the good years. I recently was at a concert they had a woman who’s testimony really touched me, she was the victim of domestic abuse. She told me after talking that little things can trigger how we feel and how we respond to things from our past. I get really nervous or aggravated, scared, anxious with no patience becasue I was abused. There are places that help to heal these feelings. I know about hiding the pain, “all together.” I’m still working on myself. http://www.doorwaysva.org/
Well you are doing amazing and that is all that matters!
peace be with you…my thoughts are lifting you up!
Thank you!
I know all too well how those tears feel as they run down your face. I too am a divorced mom of two amazing daughters. My divorce was not harsh or bitter, but it was none the less painful. The life I had imagined for my children was gone, and I now had to tart over again… ALONE.
I have since remarried and have another beautiful daughter. But the overwhelming regret I feel every night when they finally close their eyes, brings me to tears. I work full time and also attend college online full time. I am working so hard to provide all the things in life we need. But I see other moms baking cookies, driving carpool, and riding bikes after school. When I get home from work, I have school, and dinner, and baths…. and the time we have to cherish is to small. I go to bed every night regretting the choices I made, was that paper really important? Why did I have to yell? Am I providing for them the happy childhood I wanted to? Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much?!?!
I wish I could offer you some words of wisdom, but the only thing I can offer is my understanding, and the assurance that you are not the only one. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much, your words do help!!
Im a single mom. She’s grown now. Her dad left me when I told him I was pregnant, we were never married. I had a lot of help from my mom. I always felt like I wasnt a good mom and I wasnt doing enough being mom and dad. I was 20 yrs old and had no idea how to raise a baby by myself. My mom taught me everything I needed to know. She always said a baby doesnt come with a manual, its a learn as you go. Its a lot of common sense. I have felt exactly how you’re feeling many times.I still think now that I failed in certain things. My daughter is 29 yrs old and she is now engaged. She is a mommy to my beautiful granddaughter. Sorry I had a bragging moment there. Lol! Its hard work being a single mom to 3 little girls. My mom raised me and my 2 sisters alone, even when she was still married to my dad. He wasnt involved with our upbringin. My mom felt the way you do Im sure almost daily. Just remember to breath,and just do what you can.Your girls love you for everything you do for them. You are their wonderful lovng mommy and to them you are perfect. Can I give you some friendly advice? Its ok to cry, just let your body release all those emotions. Dont keep things bottled up because its so bad for your health. The most important advice for you is Let Go and Let God. He will carry all worries for you. Lori you are a great woman,mommy and friend. You are not perfect and thats ok. Have a blessed sunday :) ((Hugs))
Thank you lady!! You’re awesome and I so appreciate your special insight!
I to suffer with depression. Although I have never been through a divorce always being alone is very depression. My husband works all the time. I feel aline,and my thoughts begin to wonder. He has also not and ways been so faithful, which makes it even harder. Yet is look into my children’s eyes and ways try to hide my feelings so being lonely . I pray to God they can’t feel my heart silently weeping. I was and ways product of and ways broken home, and I don’t care if I have to be sad, I will never let my kids grow up feeling not wanted by another mother. That’s the way I felt when my step mom . I felt hated, I love my kids with all my heart, and I know they feel the same. I would never alow someone to ruin my person the way others have ruined me.
So many prayers to you, hon – we will get through it… I know we will :)
I get the feeling of drowning, I feel it almost every day, though not for exactly the same reasons you do, but I get it. The tough thing is that you know you’re doing right; you know you’re doing your absolute best. And if I’m honest with myself, I know I am too. So why are we so hard on ourselves? I don’t know the answer, and I don’t know how to fix that. All I can say is that I’m there with you. I get it. And I’ll be thinking of you when I’m being so hard on myself and thinking of all of the things I did wrong in my day, and maybe reminding myself of how hard you’re working and how much you’ve done right, and how you should not be so hard on yourself will remind me to not be so hard on myself. So thank you for hopefully inspiring me to know I’ve done my best, and to appreciate the little moments more. And I’ll be praying that you can do the same.
Thank you so much and I will add you to my prayer list too!
Lori,
If a stranger asked your children to describe their mom, I’d bet they would say you were awesome! As females and mothers we are our worst, harshest critics giving all that yummy, good love to everyone but ourselves.
This is the universe’s way of saying Lori, now is your time. Take this time to nourish yourself. Especially when your girls are with their father. Use that time to fill your own soul and not focus on what you didn’t do enough of and in time you’ll be so full there won’t be any more room for self-doubt.
Take a step back and try to look at yourself through your children’s eyes.
You’ll be amazed! Surprised, that they see you differently than you see yourself!
From one mom to another, much love,
Sheila
Thank you, Sheila, I do try,. It is hard to put yourself first, even temporarily, when you are so focused on children. I so appreciate your kind words!
Isnt that just the journey of life? Im sure many of us would like to be perfect, but is that even possible? I dont think so.
What I do think is. You are perfect enough. You are a hard worker who is raising beautiful children and succeeding. Tackling those things thrown at you. I am sure it isnt easy, but lady, you are doing it and doing it well! Try not to self doubt. Instead of thinking of the what if’s and what could’s, think of I can’s, I will’s .and I have’s.
Keep plowing through. Thats just what we living beings do, :)