Last night while half listening to my girls sing the songs and talk about what was coming next as their favorite movie played and half listening to the show playing in my room, I encountered utter generalizations and myths about single moms that just pissed me off. Now you know that I never, ever curse (online – LOL) so for this post to be generated, I had to be mad.
The story on my show revolved around a single mom who had fallen hard for the ‘perfect’ man. Though my eyes rolled that any human is ‘perfect’ and argued in my head that setting that standard with those words was the reason people are constantly searching for the impossible, that was not the moment that angered me so.
See, the voice over of an ‘expert’ on relationships was talking about why this woman had fallen so hard and was so blind to this man’s flaws because Single Moms are always trying to find that man, that father for her children, that stability in her life and she will do anything to find it.
Jaw dropped, mouth agape, I actually said out loud ‘BULLS**T’!
And I never, ever cuss when my kids are in the house and rarely otherwise. I just think there are so many better words in the English language to explain my feelings.
But this one… oh this one got me mad!
As a PROUD SINGLE MOM, and a better mom overall since my divorce, this stereotypical comment was insulting to my confidence level, my intelligence and degrading to a fault. I know a LOT of single moms who are single by choice and thrive in the roll much better than they did in a bad relationship or marriage! I have a dear friend who purposely raised her son since he was 2 because she was so much of a better parent as a single parent. She did not need a man to take care of her, a man to rescue her or a man to make her feel special. She had her son.
I am where she was. I raise my kids on my own and I like it that way. I have an enormous amount of confidence in my ability to do this and figure it out as I go. Do I always get it right? Absolutely not! Do I get burned out and need a break. Heck yea – I am human. But do I need a man to come in, parent my kids with me and do I make a concerted effort to date any man out there just because I want one? HA! I scoff at the insult!
The second part of the episode was a total generalization about divorced moms that made me mad too. The story was about a woman who was recently divorced who frequented bars to meet men. ‘A woman who is recently divorced wants to look her best and dress up so that she can attract another man who will fulfill all of the things the ex can’t.‘
I LAUGHED.OUT.LOUD
Really? So a woman’s desire after a divorce is to immediately go out and find a man so that she can be right back where she started? I don’t think so. How about the reality that she is feeling better about herself and is caring for herself better because she realizes that she can make it on her own. She didn’t need to be in a situation that was bad for her and her children. And the painstaking decision to leave – the probably took years to make – left a confidence that she always knew she had but buried in her stressful relationship?
I know a lot of women who divorce for various reasons. Some find relationships and are happier than they were before that were not looking for one, some find a passion that they pursue that supersede relationships and some throw themselves into discovering who they are in order to be a better person should they meet someone some day.
But to say that all divorced women get dressed up and look their best for the sole purpose of attracting a new man is ridiculous.
Generalizations stem from society’s comfort zones. We create them so that we can identify with people on some level that we might understand. The problem with them, however, is that not everyone needs to be categorized, judged or ridiculed because they don’ fit into them.
Some of us are very happy as single moms with no significant other to help us out. We work hard, we work with pride and we keep our eyes on the job at hand. Some of us make the decision to do it on our own because we are better on our own. Some of us sit quietly while people tell us that we need to be open to new love, open to accepting someone in and being just like them even when we know it is not for us. Some of us are tired of defending ourselves to those who think we need to be like them to be happy. I am perfectly happy in all facets of my life. I am not lonely, I am not scared, I am not ashamed that I did not have the best marriage… I am tired of hearing that I can not raise strong, confident girls without a man in the house.
Make a bet?
My kids have everything they need. Love, admiration, boundaries, rules, praise, life lessons and more. They have them all from a mom who works tirelessly to give it to them. A mom who would rather use her energy to raise them to than to find something that everyone else thinks she needs.
I have what I need.
In my case, three little girls who need a mom to show them that they have no limits if they believe in themselves.
What myths about single mom irritate you?
These two “myths” about single moms are not ones I’ve ever heard before. Sounds like a bunch of BS.
Exactly! What irked me was that this ‘expert’ was spewing it on national television!
I can’t believe these myths still exist considering the number of successful single moms that are making the lives of their children sufficiently fulfilled without ‘the perfect man’. I’m lucky to have found a loving man after 15 years as a single mom, but we were just fine without him, as well.
YEP!! Trust me, I was stunned too!
Wow! That programme was obviously put together by experts who spent a lot of time talking with lots and lots of single Mums from all walks of life, and have a deep and well-informed grasp of the priorities of women in general. They have obviously NOT been influenced in any way by societies stereotypical views of women in general and single mothers in particular ;)
I think I would have been letting out a hell of a lot more expletives than you did if I had watched this. Single Mums get enough of a hard time without being portrayed as vacuous, obsessed husband hunters.
I mean, men are great and they have their uses, but they are not all that!
Thank you!! It still annoys me to think of it to this day
I guess that I have not heard much trash talking about single moms. Which is good- you guys hold it all together!
I have never heard either of those, but I was a single mom for a little while there and I would have called BS at that one, too!
I can not believe there are still things about this some expert lol.Single mums do a brilliant job in fact just as well if not better as 2 parent families.It makes no difference as single mums are just as capable so there is no need to find a so called perfect man.
That really was a bunch of poppycock! I’m in a relationship again since my divorce, but I didn’t get all fancy and dressed up to try to make that happen. Sheesh! In fact, I didn’t want it to happen and I love being single!
That is an adorable picture of you with your little girls! It was tough for me when I was a divorced mom. I certainly could have continued to do it all on my own, but I am grateful I met my husband. He’s been such a good dad. My hat is off to you. It’s a tough gig and your girls are lucky to have such a good mom.
I would call BS too. Wow what a terrible generalization and misrepresentation of a group of people. I guess I have never really heard people talk down about single mothers before… I would have been upset by this too.
I’m not a single mom, so can’t really say too much. My mom did a fabulous job of raising me. I felt she was basically a single mom since my dad was never really around because drugs were more important. And she was better off when she left too. I dont think a child needs 2 parents to have a happy, successful life.
I’m not a single mom, but my mom was. She did such a fantastic job with my brother and I. And she was never running after the “perfect man” or dressing up to make my dad feel bad. (In fact, we lived states away from my day. It was ok.)
As a single mom who has been through a divorce I can honestly say that I feel the same exact way you do. Sometimes I feel misunderstood. Why do people assume that we are always on the hunt for a new man or even a father figure? The only thing I am worried about is my daughter and I am totally fine that it’s just us two, living life happily each day at a time!
I am a single mom too, and I don’t like being treated like I am desperate and my life is missing something. I can see why this ticked you off
I find that generalizations are almost always proven wrong. They annoy the poo out
Of me!
I am not a single mom but I know some. Generalizations in general are a bad thing to make.
You are so right! What an absolute bunch of hooey!
Wow I would be pissed too and thanks for writing this article on behalf of single mothers. I am not a mother, but America does have this contorted view of single moms which is absolutely not fair. Do anyone say anything to the male who is a single man who happens to have children? What are his vices and why can’t we talk about their perceived actions. Its the women who get these remarks of self-esteem and construed dating views, while the men just live their easy breezy lives without judgement (kids or not). I dont think its fair us women are always ridiculed for our dating lives. If we are single too long, there is something wrong or she needs to hurry up and lock it down for marriage (and immediately get ready to have kids) if she is married she has to be the best wife ever catering to her hubby every needs and her life now should revolve around motherhood and a stepford wife persona. And there is the double whammy of the single mother who has children…and a “pity” to society become somehow she failed to recreate the American dream effectively and there isnt a man in the home so she is pathetic looking. All of those “perceptions” are totally false and it makes me sick to my stomach how barbaric our society can still be. No one ever questions a man’s dating skills…rarely. Thanks for this article…all woman single or not exist is not based on whether she needs a man in her life or not!
Generalizations in general irk me. Good for you for writing the post!
Wow! I have to agree that those comments are ludicrous. How insulting to single moms. Someone really didn’t think about that before they said it.
Geez! Some people really can’t just mind their own business and let others live the lives they choose. Bravo to you for writing this out!
My sister was a single mom for awhile. It amazes me how many people put their business where it doesn’t belong! Kudos to all the single moms out there, it’s not easy but you get the job done!
These sound like really outdated opinions. So crazy that anyone would believe them!
Utter amazement that anyone would say that in this day an age. So many women are great single moms. Sure a man/father would be nice but is certainly not required to have a fulfilled life with kids.
As a mom who has been divorced and single for the last 19 years, I call total BS on that nonsense. Generalizations like this really irk the crap out of me.
Thank you for your very honest post. I certainly don’t think men need a man to be a better mom. Women are amazing, beautiful, multi-taskers!
I honestly have not heard of any. I think there are generalizations for all types of moms out there that are awful!
I know a lot of single mom’s that do an outstanding job. Sounds like you are, too.
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job as a mom. You should have just turned the TV off and found something else on tv ha! Who needs to listen to that crap?
Wow, that makes me super mad too! I was a single mom for a short time after my divorce and before I got remarried… and I was SO not looking for a man!! I was happier, more confident that I had EVER been in my previous marriage and totally wasn’t looking. Grrr!
You are a confident single mom! I love how you dispell this myth
I totally agree with u on single parenting. I was single most of my parenting life and I think I did a better job that way.
We tend to put things into a box and generalize too much. It’s good to see things from the other perspective!
This post made me angry too. I wonder who this “expert” was. As a psychotherapist, I’ve counseled many women through the entire process of divorce- starting with verbalizing it for the first time. I actually encourage them to be single for a while. To really start to pull out what THEIR dreams are who THEY are. So enmeshed with their ex, they aren’t even sure what is genuinely
theirs or something they absorbed from the relationship. The key to healthy relationships in the future is to really know yourself interdependently of anyone else. Not to mention that kids need extra attention during this period- not to rock the boat again. Anyway- more power to you and it is, in fact, BULL!!!
My mom was a single mom and it was super hard. We made the best of what we had and it worked out! Thanks for sharing your story!
Wow that was very degrading to single moms. As someone who was raised by a single-mom, who was also raised by a single-mom, if I had heard that I would have been VERY ticked off!!
Oh wow! My mom flipped her lid too. She worked really hard to raise my sister and I. She certainly wasn’t looking for a father for us. I know she was much better off without him (and probably anyone else for that matter). Crazy…
Proud Single Mom here! I totally agree with you. Their is this misconception that single Moms are desperate – for love and security that only a man can provide. Untrue. Most single Moms are independent, hard-working, beautiful, and caring women. This does not mean that we’re bitter, desperate, or looking for a man to save us. Thank you for this post. {{Big hugs}}
I’m a single mom too and I have been losing weight, getting in shape, and taking care of myself since I became single…not because I want another man but because I’m so much happier and healthier in every way since leaving a toxic relationship. I think many times we look on the outside the way we feel on the inside so it’s no wonder women tend to look better after leaving an unhealthy relationship, not to mention finally being able to focus on themselves!
I agree!! I feel amazing!!!
I can completely relate. I cringe when divorced friends tell me of their newest relationships. I’m not proud of that, but I see how they neglect their children (mainly with time) to find a partner and it saddens me.
I am a much better mother now that I am not a miserable wife.