No one can take care of my children better than I can.
No they can’t.
No they can’t!
NO THEY CAN’T!
OK, yes they can but I will not admit it, concede to it or acknowledge it no matter how rational your argument is!
OK Fiiinnnneeeeeee…..
I admit it. Begrudgingly and with a pouty face that makes my 4 year old’s look mature. Maybe, and this is a very slight maybe, there are other people on this planet that might be able to sort of, kind of, possibly take care of my kids as well as I can.
Hmph.
The truth is there are probably many people on the planet – if you search really hard in all the dark crevices – that can care for my children as well as I can. Some may even be able to do it better than I. But the curse of motherhood is that a lot of us feel like there is no one else that really can.
I had a very interesting conversation with a friend the other day. My side was complaining about my ex and his girlfriend who I always hear an earful about when my kids come back from her house. The kids have a very structured life here and – according to them, I am not making any of this up – there seems a little chaotic and they spend more time with her than with their dad, who they really want to be with. I always say that they should just listen to them and be respectful and that their dad loves them very much but under it all, I am judging and being possibly unfair to them.
Look at that emotional maturity I am displaying.
While ranting – possibly with biased, somewhat possessive viewpoints – my friend interrupts and says that they are doing what they are supposed to do and I just think that no one can care for my kids as well as I do.
The words halted my rant for a second while I absorbed them and I honestly admitted it was true. He was right, I DO suffer from the affliction. So much so that I take what my kids tell me and immediately turn it into a fault against the ex. I turn it into World War III with his girlfriend…. especially when they tell me she yells at them. But that is for another post.
I don’t know if motherhood simply comes with this ideal that we are the absolute when it comes to taking care of our kids. Maybe it comes from the 9 month lead up and knowing that we will always be the only person on the planet that has known our children the longest. Maybe it is from the physical evidence that we wear forever in the form of stretch marks, c-section scars or saggy boobs that remind us that we were the only source of life for these kids from the beginning. Maybe it is an inbred emotion that comes from historically being the only caregiver of our offspring for most of their lives.
Whatever it comes from, I am learning in single motherhood, that it is more my problem than anyone else’s.
You have NO IDEA how hard it was to type that sentence!
It is actually ironic, I think. When we have our kids and are caring for them, we tend to complain that we don’t have enough time alone and that no one ever helps us. We wish that spouses, parents, neighbors, the garbage man… ANYONE would step in and give us a break. Facebook is FULL of posts about moms who are at the brink of locking themselves in the closet with Haagen Dazs and bottle of Boone’s Strawberry Hill wine just to escape the ‘MOMMY’ that follows them around.
But handing them off to someone else comes with complaints too. The missing of the kids, the complaints that someone else let them have ice cream for breakfast (even though we have done it too) and the opinions about their actions with our kids take up the other part of Facebook.
It is a double edged sword, this affliction I have. I want my kids and I want to raise them the way I see fit. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And if they are not with me, I want the right to judge and spout my opinion on how others are handling them. But I also want them to have a great relationship with their father. I want them to be able to experience new things and hear different viewpoints.
As long as I approve of them.
It is a true motherhood curse, this ‘No One Can Do It Better Than I Can’ curse. It allows me to pat myself on the back with out guilt and judge the actions of others with bias. But if I were a true adult and allowed myself to absorb it, I would humbly say that the curse is a fallacy that I invented in my own head to make myself more important than I probably need to be. It is what I tell myself that justifies blathering like an idiot to anyone who will listen that they make mistake with my kids just by breathing around them. It is my justification for acting like the spoiled brat of motherhood. That while no one will ever love and sacrifice for my beautiful girls like I have and do, it does not mean they can not be people that are doing the best they can in the circumstances they have created.
Lucky for us all… I am just not that honest yet.
I suffer from this curse all day, every day. I really wish I could just let it go (and now I have that song in my head.. haha).
No one knows our kids the way we do, so we do the best job! And they can’t ever take that away form me!
Mitch
Girl – I know how hard it is to be a single mom – first hand! You are an amazing momma and nobody will do it the way you do – ever! We are all trying our best and often come up short and that’s what makes us the awesome mothers we are today!
Thankfully I have never been a single mom but sadly my daughter was and it is hard. .The work of being a good ‘single’ mom is not hard for her but dealing with ‘baby dad’ is..
I also believe that everyone well apart from my hubby can not take care of my kids better than me.But it must be hard sometimes being a single mum and you have my respect for that,No one would ever blame you for the way you feel sometimes and if i am honest if my hubby was with someone else i would hate my kiddies being around another woman that is telling them what to do etc.
I was a single mom for a while there and the only person I really trusted was my mom. She could take care of them as well as I did, but she was the only one.
I am not a mom but am an Auntie and Godmother and former Special Education Teacher, some parents were shocked when the kids would rather spend another in my classroom than go home! I guess I have ‘the magic’ when it comes to kids! :)
I know that other people can care for my kids – it takes a village, after all. BUT I don’t want other people to be burdened with them. Getting a sitter is hard enough for me.
Once you realize others love your children and want whats best for them just like you, the other stuff you can let go. At some point you will have to understand that not everyone will be on the same page just because we as human are all programmed differently. We were raised different. Our outside influences were different. How we view the world is different. Mother want to protect their children, but so do fathers. And when the two are separate, it can be harder to communicate when it comes to how the children should be taken care of, but it can be done. Sometimes pride has to go away and compromise has to come into play.
I have a VERY hard time handing my kids over to anyone to watch. I am always so worried about something happening when I am not around, just so I could get some ‘time away’. I would feel HORRIBLE. So, I am always with my babies. They will be big soon enough and won’t want to be with me anyways, so I deal with it :)
Sometimes just acknowledging this is a step. You are fine to feel how you want!
Good for you for realizing this. I mean it. This is a huge thing to admit and put out into the world. You are the best mom for your kids but there are others that can take care of them too. It is so hard to let go though.
I really struggle with this. Having a child with special needs, it’s hard to let someone else take the ropes for awhile – but I also realize it’s good for him!
Thank you for sharing your heart. Sometimes it’s so hard to be honest. Just keep on loving your little ones one day at a time!
No I agree many people can do it as well or better. I just never wanted them to. I always wanted to be the one caring for them. I’ve always worked at home except for 2.5 years when my son was little. :)
First, that you said “Boone’s Strawberry Hill” wine cracks me up! I certainly can relate to what you’re saying, I know that it must have been difficult for you to share such personal struggles.
The divorced life is complicated, no doubt. I grew up in it and it really wasn’t any easier on me/us than it was on my mama. Now that I’m a parent, I have the same feeling — that I parent the best– because I know that my love is unconditional and that he comes first. It’s a totally legit curse. :)
i feel the say way sometimes. I know better because my husband can handle anything
I haven’t had Boone’s in years! You are doing a great job and no one will ever do it as good as you because you are THEIR mom!
It’s hard to trust anyone with your kids, no matter who it is…and even if you know they love them. Cool that you have a friend who was honest like that, that’s cool. :)
It has been hard for me to admit that other people can take care of my kids as well as or better than I can. It’s just hard to trust other people with my children.
I cannot fathom being a single Mom, and have to give props to anyone who does it. What a hard job! And yes, we all feel like we are our children’s best care provider. No one does it nearly as well as we can, or with nearly as much love. So glad you have friends that can be honest with you like that.
I had a hard time trusting anyone to do a better job or even come close to what I could do for my kiddos. After a while you realize that you need help and they will be ok
I am sure there are people who could take better care of them (maybe!) But no one loves th r m as much as I do which trumps all. I hAve a hard time trusting others with my kids.
I give so much credit to single mothers. I do not know if I would be able to be a single parent.
I was a single mom for a while after I divorced but I never really had anyone to help anyway. Now that I do, I still can’t seem to trust anyone.
This is so true! I am 5 years in to the mommyhood thing and I still can’t let go of the reigns!
I think that is a curse of mothers who are new to the game. As we get older and more experienced we learn that “no one can do it better” or “no one can do it good enough” is fake.
I’m married but just recently have my kids been staying home with daddy along and only the ones that can fend for themselves. If they aren’t with me they are with my mom because I am under the misguided conception that if I left them alone with daddy I would come home to him being tied up and gagged while the kids danced around him in their underwear.
I was a stay at home mom and hated leaving the kids with other moms for fear the kids would discover something mom could not do or something ‘better’. Dad use to do a really good job with the kids that of course felt great.
I really don’t miss the single mom days at all! But really, even now that my daughter is a teen, I still feel like…I do it better. LOL
I’m so to blame for this as well. Gotta be able to reach out for help when we need it, even if NOT as perfect as us!
I think all moms have this thought. They’re our babies, we must be able to do it the best.
I don’t allow anyone to really watch my babies! My mom every now and then but that’s it!
You amaze me at all you handle – as a single parent and provider. I gotta say that you are a rockstar and hopefully we see each other again soon!
I had a babysitter for our kids less than 5 times in their lives combined and they’re adults now. That’s how little trust I put into anybody else. I guess I have that affliction too.
I can totally relate to this. It’s so hard to trust anyone with our kids, especially when we dedicate so much of our lives to molding them. No one will ever truly take care of our children as we do.
I personally did think that for quite some time: until I met some other moms that really seemed to have it all together… Then the opposite happens: the fact that I don’t feel like I’m nearly ENOUGH for them, and that someone else could totally do a better job and I’m totally screwing them up.
The only people (other than my husband) I have ever trusted with my children are my mother and my older sister. If anyone can do it better than I can they are the closest.
I always feel bad taking my son to daycare, but I know he is learning a lot more than he would if he was home with me. I like to have a balance!
It’s so hard to trust the people we love the most in the world to be cared for by someone else. It really is a struggle! You are not alone on this one, Mamma!