I was watching Good Morning America this morning and the great debate of whether it is OK for a parent to spank their children is a highlighted topic. My first thought when it came on was, “Ugh, not again!”
Years ago, before the blog but after my first two daughters were born, I was ripped a new one in a Facebook group because I spanked my – then almost 16 month old – daughter because she was continually climbing onto my glass kitchen table and standing up. She would jump and hit the chandelier and it scared the heck out of me. It was her ‘attention seeking’ trick when I was breastfeeding her new sister, changing her diaper, or rocking her for a nap. Literally, it was only when I was tending to a very tiny Sarah that Katie did this.
Traditional punishments for her behavior were a total fail on this for some reason. She could care less about her 1 1/2 minute time out, she was not phased at all with the removal of toys and my sitting and explaining – in toddler talk – how dangerous this activity was fell on deaf ears.
One day, I was nursing Sarah and sitting on the living room couch. Katie had just gotten a new toy from her Grandparents so she was happily playing and I thought I was safe. Yes, it had gotten to the point where I was stressed out tending to the baby.
True to form, and despite the new toy, Katie saw me sit down and immediately headed for the glass table. I told her ‘no, no’ and she laughed and ran. She climbed up, stood up, smacked her head on the chandelier, lost her balance and almost fell, head first, onto the tile floor.
I stood up, Sarah still attached, grabbed Katie with one hand off the table, smacked her on her diapered butt and she cried. I felt horrible.
But, and this is the absolute truth, she never climbed on that table again!
Later that day, I posted in my Facebook group and was shredded to pieces for spanking Katie. I was given statistics, told I had ruined my daughter, told she would be a drug addict, that she would be violent, that I had failed as a parent. That spanking was a cop out and that I was an unfit mother.
The disappointment I had in myself multiplied and I ended up, unbenownst to anyone, curling up on my bedroom floor and crying for a long time. I felt like I was no better than my birth parents who beat me so badly I had to be removed from the family at the age of 6. I felt like I was continuing the cycle and that now everyone knew it. And judged me for it. And I felt like friends I trusted turned on me and hated me.
That one event has resonated with me for my entire parenting career. Yes, I see parenting as a job. I have spanked my kids since that day, but very rarely. Because I keep hearing that I am a horrible person for doing it… even if my child is doing something that could really hurt her.
That is my own, personal experience with spanking. However, I am neither for nor against it for anyone. I know ‘beating’ and ‘abuse’. And I know the difference between a pop on the behind and a full on inappropriate beating to the point that the child can not breathe. Been there. Many times. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
And I will say that the constant debate on whether or not it is OK to spank does feed through my mind when punishing my children, which is the point. However, according to statistics, 80% of preschoolers are still spanked! So, how effective is the conversation, really? Are we targeting the right people with such an aggressive debate on spanking?
The reality is, and you can see this on numerous, disturbing videos uploaded to YouTube.com, that people who beat their kids are probably unaffected by the constant dialogue about this important subject. Instead, moms – really good, devoted, honestly trying to raise their kids right moms, are locked in a heated debate over this issue. To the point that people have ended friendships over it.
So are we having the wrong discussion? Is it important to stop spankings all together in an attempt to stop child abuse, or is it more important to define ‘spanking’ and turn up the heat on child abuse? And stop punishing each other for parenting decisions that are used within reason?
What do you think? Have you, personally changed your behavior because of the debate? Are you so passionately on one side of the very blurred line on this topic? Have you judged a friend, one way or another? And do you think enough attention is given to the difference between child abuse and spanking? Or is there no difference at all in your mind?
I know this is a passionate topic and I want a serious, honest discussion about this topic. Please be respectful of my blog and my readers when leaving your reply. I do not allow cursing, derogatory language or pure hatred on my blog. Comments deemed inappropriate will be deleted.
I would rather have a few firm pats on my childrens bums then have them being disrespectful (among other things) down the line. I was spanked as a child (when deserved) and frankly am surprised I got away with half of the things I did! I now have a 31 and 20 month old and though it is a rare occurrence – they have both gotten their butts spanked when they have been doing things that they have been repeatedly told not to do. Does this make me a bad mother – in some people eyes yes it does. But both of my children listen and behave 90% of the time. While I can look at SOME of the “new age” mommies who don’t even raise their voices to discipline their children – have children that are so disorderly and chaotic in public I’d hate to see what they do at home. I get a great sense of accomplishment from compliments on how well behaved my children are (even when they have their meltdowns in public they are usually fairly well behaved compared to some other children).
I do think, however, that there is a HUGE difference between “spanking” and “beating” a child. One open handed smack to the bottom is a spanking, a gentle swat on the hand is discipline, a balled up fist anywhere is child abuse.
Rachel, I totally agree! Glad to know the WHOLE world has not gone mad :). In addition, I say raise your children however you wish. Just don’t abuse them!
Respectfully, it is quite possible in the case you are talking about, that your daughter figured out that what she was doing was dangerous when she fell, not because you spanked her. That said, a spank once in awhile is certainly not abuse, and people ought to be able to tell the difference.
I don’t know about that. lol I’ve seen my boys have several near-death experiences and immediately do the same stupid thing again.
I have to agree with Rebekka, kids don’t usually reason like that, and more than likely they will do it again, because they have done it plenty of times without getting hurt.
My husband was spanked as a child and his cousin was awarded when he did what he was told my husband is now a hardworking father of 3 and his cousin is an umarried drug addict who lives with his mother. I was spanked as a child and I know right from wrong. The most influintal thing my parents ever did to me was took me into the bathroom (disipline room) and instead of spanking me for fighting with my brother my mom took out a belt and lashed her own leg 5 times and she said “I deserve this punishment because apparently I haven’t taught you right from wrong”. I never got another spanking again because it showed me that my actions hurt more than just me.
I have to commend your mom. What a brave woman to teach you like that.
Wow! That is impressive. Not to mention really gets to the point of “this will hurt me more than it will hurt you.” I’m totally going to try this if I even need to spank. (Right now my 3yo daughter responds to me growling at her and being disappointed in her behavior – she is SO me!)
Love this post! Yes, I spank my boys. And, we do so very carefully and thoughtfully. There is a huge difference between spanking and hitting. As with ANY form of discipline, parents must remain in control OF THEMSELVES and not let their anger get the best of them. The purpose of discipline is to teach and instruct and train your child.
Unfortunately, it’s much easier to to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Spanking is ineffective IF parents are out of control and IF it is not done intentionally, thoughtfully, and with teaching your child in mind. Parents often use spanking or time outs as consequences for actions, but never follow through with TEACHING their child. It’s like standing at bat with great form and the correct bat in hand, but never following through with your swing! You are never going to hit a homerun in training your kids if you only spank them, with no teaching. Too many parents just spank and don’t teach.
Spanking is not for every parent or for every child. But, no, I don’t think we should take it “off the table” as an acceptable means of discipline. I read an article a couple months ago saying that time-outs are psychologically damaging. When it is going to stop???
Spanking creates fear in a child…fear of the spanker and fear of repeating the behavior will result in a big person coming at you swinging their hand or a weapon. What does that really teach the child? Sometimes we just have to child-proof our homes so temptations aren’t in the way. And sometimes their behavior is a sign of something that needs to be addressed…like possibly they are angry about attention given to a younger sibling, and they do things they aren’t supposed to get attention for themselves. So the solution is to help the child identify whey they’re acting out, and then work together on a solution: “Are you feeling that mommy is not playing with you as much now that your brother was born? I can understand that. As soon as mommy is done with little brother, she will do xyz with you.” Often, spanking is just a quick solution, and whereas it may not be abusive, it also really does nothing to build a child’s confidence and character. Just a funny story here.. I didn’t spank my daughter and read a lot about creative techniques for discipline (I was worked 60 hour weeks, and was a single parent…so anyone can find the time to do this). One day when she was 7, she saw me reading a book about parenting, and when I told her I was reading about moms and kids, she said “oh, is THAT where you get the words to make me listen?” :)
I was spanked and even worse by my father. I know the difference. don’t think there is anything wrong with spanking. I have tried other things and those didn’t work. Of course spanking hasn’t really worked either. My next course of action is boarding school.
You raise good points. I have four bio kids and have had over 30 foster kids in my house. Three of my bio kids responded to spanking, although they probably were never spanked more than a dozen times in their lives. My youngest is 15 now and oldest is married. They are all respectful, loving and well liked by others (and productive adults and almost adults). I don’t attribute that to having spanked them. We spent countless hours (probably thousands) working on their character and using positive reinforcement, but if there was a situation where we couldn’t get their attention any other way, a spank on their bottom got their attention and let them know we were serious–usually if their behavior was putting themselves or another child in danger. I never spanked any of my foster kids because they didn’t have the security of knowing that we were always going to be there for them–something that by bio kids did. The same people who argue against appropriate spanking are the same ones who I hear excuse their behavior (smacking a kid in the face when they “lose it”). I can say that I’ve never smacked my kids in the face or when I was angry. Giving a toddler a two finger swat on their hand when they are reaching for a hot stove top is less painful than having them get a second degree burn from touching a hot stove eye. Each child is different and each parent is different and people need to do what is right for them (as long as it is done with love and not abusive). Fewer people advocate punishing kids or using spanking and kids in publlic schools seem to be out of control these days. This is a touching subject these days and I usually avoid talking to people about my opinions, but I have seen enough kids grow up now that I have trouble believing all of the studies out there about how a swat on the butt will turn a kid into a serial killer (you can make stats say anything that you want to). If you love your kids, you discipline them. I just say a show the other day where a restaurant is banning kids. When I would take my kids out to dinner we would frequently get compliments about their good behavior–what people those people didn’t see was the countless hours spent at home shaping their character. The window for when spanking a child is effective is short–spanking an older child or teenager will not get you the result you are looking for. It sounds like you are doing just fine–don’t let others influence you unless you can see that they’ve already had some success in the area that they are trying to teach you in.
I want to commend you for being a great mom! Honestly, to care that much about how your actions affect your child makes you a wonderful mom. I totally believe in spanking my children. I have 4 kids. Each one is an individual and different punishments work differently for each kid. However, when warranted, they have all been swatted on the bottom or the hand. It works. When my oldest was around 3 and my second was 1, we were at the mall. My oldest was completely out of hand that day, throwing a fit because she wanted to play with the toys. I removed her from the store, swatted her on the bottom and made her sit in a chair outside the store in the mall. We sat there for a good 5 minutes until she was able to handle herself again. Immediately after I swatted her on the bottom, an officer came over to me. I was a little nervous about what his reaction would be, but knew I hadn’t done anything wrong. He came over and thanked me for being a parent and said if more parents would discipline their children, this world would be a better place.
I’ve rarely had to spank her since and am now constantly complimented on how well my children behave whenever we go out. Even at a restaurant, my kids handle themselves well. Yes, we’ve spent a lot of time training but they know what the punishment can be if they become out of hand. And no, my children don’t fear me. I certainly didn’t fear my parents, who spanked me when necessary. I don’t believe spanking instills fear in children if done when warranted. Thanks for writing this.
I am not a parent but I do spend a great deal of time caring for my nieces and nephew. I grew up knowing all about spankings and it was usually done with a belt! I do not feel that I was abused. I am grateful that my parents loved me enough to discipline me so that I knew the difference between right and wrong and that there are consequences when you do wrong. Out of 5 children that were raised in this manner, not one of us has ever been in jail for any reason and we all know how to be polite and have compassion for others. We are not scarred or ruined. I knew I was loved and never ever thought once that I wanted to hit back. It’s called respect! This is the first lesson every parent should teach their kids. I don’t take lightly the fact that there are children out there that are abused daily and they are abused for what most would consider a normal child’s behavior. Those are the individuals that need to be stopped. I bow to parents that are able to get their children to behave by a simple look or a single word. This is just not effective for every situation. Children these days are much more disrespectful not only to their parents but to anyone who is considered to be authority. This is so widespread now that it’s becoming the norm. Parents are affraid to discipline their children because they fear that they will be arrested and the children know this and push the line a little farther. We have given them the upper hand but are expected to be held responsible for what our children do! Let me make myself clear – spanking a child when needed is okay in my book – beating a child or abusing them physically or mentally is not okay!!!
I think children are being allowed to do everything they want too much lately. The government and other people’s inteussions have creested fear on parents about spanking their children, and it shows. Although spanking is not for everybody, there are moments where nothing else seems to work. Thinknthe biggest problem is that people still can’t understnd what a beating versus soanking is. I was beat up as a kid, and yes it did left emotional scarring, but it was beating, lots os times undeserved. I do have to say that unfortunately because of that I have to control myself a lot of times, because anger can get over me, and it is really hard to deal with my kids. So far I have been able to spank my children when necessary without losing control, but as an abused person it does take a lot of control. The problem is that these studies base their results on people that were beaten up, not spanked. A spanking makes the kid react, and itmshould never be the first type of discipline. It should be reserved for those times when you have been consisten and the kid still doesn’t understand. My kids are spanked when necessary. We have tried every single discipline method that we have learned, and with my oldest one nothing worked until we tried meds(he has ADHD) and it has been a long run. He is a lot better now, and with the exception of taking something innapropiate to school, we have not had any problems. They get scared of punishment for anything wrng they do, but it does make them stop to think before they do things. And if spanking them when they were toddlers cause them to think before they act now, then I can say wow, I guess it is true that spanking them affect them psychologically. They can’t act just on instinct now. I guess that makes me a horrible mother!!
I have spanked my children on occasion. I haven’t had to in years. When they were old enough to understand there are consequence for their actions both good and bad, I didn’t ever need to. *Just a note, I have been the single mom to 4 children for 15 yrs. (with NO HELP from their father) Contrary to what your friends said or think, spanking them didn’t ruin their lives. My children are now 22, 21, 17 & 17. The 2 eldest graduated with honors currently in college. 2 youngest will be seniors this year.
I came here to check out the candle giveaway and ended up on this post =] LOL. I was JUST faced with this yesterday. My son is 15 months old. We were in the store when he decided to throw a tantrum, I tried ignoring him like others have said. Don;t acknowledge it and he will stop. Well that didn’t happen. I stopped in the aisle and firmly said “No! We do not act like this, ever! Especially not in a store!” and he just laughed, reached over and grabbed something off the shelf and threw it straight in the floor! I grabbed him by his arm and popped him right on his hand! Of course he proceeded to throw himself in the floor and cry at which time I popped him on the bottom, put him in the cart started to leave. I had a woman look me right in the eye and tell me to “Never put my hand on that child again!” At that point all I could tell her was to mind her own **** business and walked out of the store. I almost cried because A- I don’t typically have to pop him for him to listen, and B) some stranger just ‘corrected me’ for correcting my child. But really, I did try other options and after calming down I know I did nothing wrong. He was not hurt, he didn’t even have a red hand.. he just had hurt feelings just like I did. I was also abused growing up and fear spanking because of what I went through. But I know in my heart that I know the difference in spanking and beating. And IF I have to I will spank my child. I am successful, married, stay at home mom who didn;t have her first child until 25 years old when others are 16 and pregnant and doing drugs.. So I don’t think spanking will ruin my child.. I do commend you for caring enough to discipline yours! So many parents just don’t care anymore therefor we are having more and more troubled adults who think they can get away with murder.
I’m all about “do what works” (in discipline as well as teaching math). My best friend was beaten by her mother with everything (brooms, shoes, hairbrushes), and she just laughed at her (I feel so bad for her mom). She grew up a good person, but MAN she was a terrible kid. Clearly spanking didn’t do a thing for her.
And my Ma would only need to tell me that she wanted to spank me – that she was disappointed enough to do it – and that would make me think twice about ever doing it again.
In most cases parents can judge the affect they’re having on their kids and they (we) adjust our discipline methods accordingly.
I have to agree with you that spanking should be infrequent, but sometimes, it can be necessary. I don’t spank often, but I have spanked on occasion when my kids have been over the top difficult. I believe if spanking is used sparingly, it will not harm or damage your child. Because I only spank on occasion, my girls know that I’m really angry and that what they did was very wrong. One good piece of advice a priest told me when I told him how angry my kids can make me when they don’t listen is to remember that your little ones don’t even know their left hand from their right hand so try to be patient with them. I try to remember this when they are making me crazy and not listening!