I wish I were beautiful.
How much easier life would be.
How many more opportunities I would get.
How many more people I would attract.
I wish I were beautiful. In the real way. The way strangers judge me. With the clear skin, the flowing, flawless hair and the tiny waist that everyone marvels at.
With the smile full of naturally white teeth. The eyes that always look bright and awake. The humble grace that makes me approachable.
With the radiance that gets me noticed on social media and the attitude that makes everyone love me despite your beauty.
But I am not.
I am pretty enough, I suppose. I don’t have too many complaints, really. But I wish I were beautiful.
Beautiful like I was in my teens, when I was too distracted to appreciate it.
Beautiful like I was in my 20’s, when I was too young to appreciate it.
Beautiful like I was in my 30’s, when I was too cocky to appreciate it.
I am in my 40’s now, climbing towards my 50’s and getting to that place where I feel obtaining the word beautiful is much harder.
I used to be able to fix my hair and put on make up, look in the mirror and feel pretty. Now, though, it seems the make-up creates a patch work quilt of various colors, wrinkles and dark spots from years in the sun. I moisturize every night but the dry patches mixed with random pimple scars, that are still appearing at 44, create a distracting pattern that just makes me look older. Add to that the roundness of my body since kids, the sag of the breast and the marks that scar my abdomen and thighs from pregnancy and I am a living road map of what life is.
I know that I should be proud of my body and the story it tells. It is how we women are supposed to think. Some days I am. But on those days that I flip through Facebook, seeing women my age with tight tummies, tiny thighs, clear skin and flowing hair, I wonder what happened to me that I didn’t get to be so lucky.
You can tell me to work out. I do. Religiously.
You can tell me to eat right. I do. Mostly.
You can tell me that I am beautiful. I’ll agree. But I will know better.
In this day and age of a push for positive body images. A push to raise little girls to own their individual beauty, no matter how it shows, and to raise little boys to see that beauty is more than skin deep, it is somewhat shameful that I feel this way. It’s like I am allowing the media and the images I am innundated with every day to shape my self-esteem. Something I would strongly work with my daughter’s not to allow to happen to them.
We are not supposed to admit it. Not even in the privacy of our own minds.
But if I am honest. Really, really honest. If I could say these things without the backlash of comments that I should know better.
I would admit it.
I wish I were beautiful.
Thank you for such an honest post. People can tell us how we “should” feel all day long but that doesn’t change our reality. I have days like this as well. I also realize that I have avoided mirrors altogether for quite a while because of this very reason. It mostly rears its ugly head when I have to buy new clothes or attempt a date night every 6 months.
All I can offer is hugs and positive thoughts!
I agree. Date nights… what are those? LOL But, yes, we should be honest about how we really feel. Not all of us feel amazing all the time. Thank you for reading and commenting!
I can totally relate!!!
:) I think most can but we won’t admit it
I have felt the same way most of my life. its sad to think how a person looks drives how they are treated.
It really, really is!
First off, you see my name responding to your posts on Fb frequently and I like that you’re so down to earth and I can honestly connect with a lot of things you chat about. I feel this way almost verbatim. I too, have put on weight after kids and now chronic pain which makes exercise impossible most days. I can’t ever look like I used to and I’ve learned begrudgingly to accept it but still it’s hard. I like to think that the person I am reflects on the outside and those who know me best still see me that way. I don’t really think that being beautiful on the outside is always that easy to maintain because you’re expected to be perfection all the time and like some said, you’re not always nice on the inside. Anyway, no matter what anyone says, we still feel what we feel at the end of the day. I just wish we weren’t so many states away because I think we’d make great friends and have lots of laughs over life’s tribulations. Keep smiling because that is such a good look on you!
I think we would too! I often wish my ‘facebook fans’ loved closer! I agree with you, we know better as far as beauty goes. But it sure does have a ‘grass is greener’ mentality when things seem to go easier for the classically pretty girl. It’s good that I can share my opinion and have so much support :)
Love your writing. Loved the way you explain your thought. I wish I could write like you!
You are very kind… thank you!
I can really relate to your post. I’m 49 & feel like the last few years have not been kind to me. I see changes in my face that I’m not happy with. I do what I can but realize we all age & I’m trying to accept it. And tell myself the inside is what matters. Just wish society & the media thought the same.
It is hard to know that and to see the changes though…