Hello. My name is Lori… and I am a lazy parent. At least that is the perception filtering through a certain person right now. Amazing I even have live kids, really.
I know, it is a shame. Its a travesty. My children would be so well rounded, behaved and well groomed if I would just take care of them like I am supposed to. In fact, if I put any effort at all into my parenting, I might actually have children who listen!
My kids lack of eating? Totally my fault. I never cook them 3 well balanced meals on their favorite character plates and serve them with a smile and promise fun if they even take one teeny weensy bite at all! I don’t encourage trying new things by making fun little meals complete with all of the letters of their names, sprinkles or yellow cheese. And my Heaven’s if I ever attempt to remove privileges or toys for NOT eating said meals! Oh the Horror! Starving them until they eat? Oh please!
And after fighting them 57 days in a row, I never encourage their starvation diets by caving and buying Wild Grape Pop Tarts and Eggo Waffles that can be easily used as a weapon against your sister’s head if you let them sit long enough! In fact, I happily sit on the couch watching my stories, eating Bon Bon’s and only get up to refill bottomless milk cups. I guess we should all be glad I am putting actual milk in them and not White Russians.
As for their hygiene habits. Yes, I know there are toothbrushes and hairbrushes in ever colorful, fun, hip character out there. From Cinderella to Care Bears to Mickey Mouse and Dora, I realize that they are an encouragement for children to brush their teeth and hair. I know that they have matching toothpastes made especially for children! And I know that they make the sweetest, cutest bows for little girls to don in their hair as the sun glistens from their well groomed crowns. I am not aware of this because we have every single stinking freaking one in their bathrooms! No, I am only aware because commercials come on in the middle of my stories to tell me so.
Imagine how beautiful my girls would be if I would simply take the time to gently wrench the toothbrush out of their grips, drowning out the yells of “Mommy, I wanna do it!” with the tune of Leave It to Beaver running through my head while I staple bows and headbands to their half combed heads so that they could not rip the ornaments out two seconds after we leave the bathroom. Why, I believe they could be super models!
Eh – but that is so much effort. Much easier to present them to the world with rank breath, ratty hair and milk mustaches. Gives me a the challenge of coming up with better excuses for why I am raising Pig Pens cousins.
I mean, I suppose it would be interesting to see what would happen if I actually put an effort into this parenting thing. If I did not let my girls run around this house like a pack of wild hyenas . If I actually cared enough to get them to pick up after themselves, show a little respect for their toys and then not park them in front of the television for 6 hours straight! What if I forced them to get dressed and go outside and play soccer and tennis with me? And if I bought them chalk and paint and other exciting budget busting items to encourage creativity and imagination?? Oh my – a whole new WORLD could be opened for my kids!
Whew – calm down Lori! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Baby steps. Baby steps.
I know there are parents out there who do not have my affliction. They actually get up with the vim and vigor to accomplish all in a day that Dr. Sears or Dr. Ferber or Dr. Spock instruct them to. And I applaud them! But I refuse to live my life actually doing anything. I much prefer to spend my time honing my ability to shoot entire mouthfuls of spray whipped cream into my mouth without getting a single drop on my silk pajamas.
Raising children is highly overrated anyway, right? I mean, they basically raise themselves these days! What with all the shining, upstanding examples on television of children who raised themselves! Why do you think I sit mine in front of it all day long?
So there you have it. All of my justifications and reasons for my purposeful suppression of beautiful, well behaved, well rounded girls. I would apologize but strangely, I feel no guilt. I have accepted who I am and learned to live with it.
So, as I sit here, finishing the only thing I have accomplished today, I contemplate what is more important? Picking up a house full of toys for the 987th night in a row despite my complete exhaustion from butt-printing my couch all day, or perfecting my skill at flicking cards one by one into my overflowing trash can?
Maybe I’ll just mull it over while filing my nails…
Ahhh -satire is a wonderful thing.
Originally Published June 4, 2010