Walking home from the bus stop, three scooters in tow from the kids favorite morning activity, fog lifting as the sun peaked out to play, I had an overwhelming sense of humility. As I crunched along on the dead leaves that dangled through the winter on sleeping trees that have now fallen to the ground, my mind stopped for a moment to be truly grateful. I turned the corner onto my driveway, the scooter’s wheels the only constant noise breaking into the tweets of birds and scurrying of squirrels that enjoy the natural setting we live in. Covered in a yellow dye from the pollen of flowers preparing to dot the landscape with color, the driveway is long. I took a moment to assess what was in front of me. A home that I have been able to keep despite the divorce, new windows shining from its front, a new gate anchoring the house to the yard, a new, safer car in the garage. How did I get here?, I thought. To this place of happy. This nirvana of peace? How do I get to live this life?
My most awing joy that I encounter daily are, of course, my children. But the thing that stuns me and makes me question what I did to make God bless me as he has with healthy, kind, intelligent little girls is how much I crave the job of caring for them. I see it all the time. Moms needing a break, moms stressed about issues they are having with their kids and more. I have the same, I will never sugar coat the complete insanity of trying to raise these little personalities. But I actually want to go through the journey with them. I want to handle the problems, wipe the tears of heartbreak, deal with the sibling rivalry and hold them until they understand that it is all worth it to me. I don’t ever want a break from my kids, although sometimes I want silence in the midst of the chaos, but I truly am blessed with the knowledge that life is short. They will only be ‘mine’ for 18 of my 80 years. How I know not to squander those moments with sweating the little things, I will never know. But I thank God for the infinite blessing.
My sole goal of my life is to take care of my children. I have already broken the cycle of abuse I encountered as a child and some would say, smashed it to smithereens with the sledgehammer of determination. I have already done what every parent dreams of; created a better life for them than I had as a young child. But how did I get to be a work at home mom and have a job I absolutely love that allows me to take care of these kids? How did this happen? How do I get to meet them at the bus stop, go to all the school functions, take time in the middle of the day for lunch with them?
My job is amazing. Though bloggers may seem like a dime a dozen, the truth is that behind every blog is a woman or man who truly loves the craft of creating and sharing what they do. I never wake up in the morning and think, ‘I don’t want to do this today.’ I never want to quite… though sometimes I express those exact ideas in times of stress. I can not imagine my life any other way. I can not imagine being in a desk at an office. It is not me. This is me. Words on a page, images from the camera, honesty from the heart.
But how do I get to do it? How I get to be one of a small percentage that can stay home, work from home and still pay the bills as a single mom is beyond me. I sometimes tear up when I think of how incredibly blessed I am. I am so humbled to have readers who support me and want to explore this crazy journey of life with me. How did I get here?
I’ll probably never know the answer, to be truthful. But the euphoria of this moment in time in my life is intoxicating. I don’t want it to end. I don’t want to stop being grateful, to remember that I did none of this on my own. I want to dissuade arrogance at every turn lest I think I have more to offer than anyone else on this planet.
How I got here, I suppose is less important than how I treat the blessings I have been given. How I support and love my children unconditionally. How I show love and admiration for those around me accomplishing their own utopia in another way. How I reach out to help another climb to their next step of accomplishment.
But I still wonder, what did I do? What did I say? How did I earn it?
How do I get to live this life?