**Originally Published October 2011**
A few months ago, I overheard some things that someone I love said at a party about me. It shattered my world. My security, my belief in what I was doing with my life, and my stability were shaken to the very core. I heard my husband tell his friends and some new neighbors that I didn’t even know yet that he had ‘settled for [me] when he found out the true love if his life was in a relationship and getting married.’ He went on to tell them that he, and she, had contemplated and affair but she was holding out. It.really.hurt. Especially since this woman is in our lives as he describes her as his ‘best friend’. Even though I have talked about it with multiple people, thought I exhausted all avenues to understand it, and have tried to put the brave face on, I am still struggling to deal with it. I have noticed that my raw pain is starting to affect my parenting though. And I don’t like it. But how do you do it? How do I fake parenting through real pain?
I believe that standing on this uneven ground, trying to find a way to understand what is so fundamentally wrong with me that words like that can be said to others, has affected my parenting. Aside from the obvious answer that dealing with this may have sunk me into a depression, I can not seem to get my rhythm with my kids back. And though I am purposely forcing myself to be calm and patient, I do think that my fuse is quite a bit shorter than it used to be.
So, adding to my need to understand the underlying issue, I now am dealing with the need to be a good mother and not let what is happening in one part of my life affect my kids.
Even at their young age, I know my kids are seeing what I am going through. I know that they feel it and can sense the change. Their routines have not changed. They go to school, cheer and friends houses just like before. But, Mommy is not the same. She tires easily, she has tears in her eyes at times, and she holds them a little tighter and for a little longer than usual when they get hugs.
And I feel great guilt. Because I should be able to hide it. I should be able to force their normal no matter what. I am their mother after all. They did not ask to be affected by my personal turmoil. They just want to have a childhood – free of drama, full of fun, carefree and innocent.
So, I reach out to my trusted readers, who I have somewhat abandoned in my loss for words, and ask how to do it? How can I keep my kids lives in tact and unaffected by my own personal sadness? How do I fake parenting through real pain?
I will deal with this and I will come out stronger… I have no choice. But I do have the choice of how it affects my sweet children. I just need a little help getting it as right as I can
You’re so sweet Lori and an amazing friend. I’m not sure how you get back, it’s everyone’s own personal journey and route, but just know that when you do you’ll be stronger. You’ll find your way. In the meantime, you better find the way to our meeting thursday night! Can’t wait to see you friend.. thanks for sharing your heart so openly.
Hey, so I don’t really know you in real life, but I read your blog because it’s interesting. I think there are a lot of times when one has to “fake” one’s way through. I am pregnant and sometimes it is dang hard to keep a good attitude for the sake of my little kids (2 and 1). But it is worth it. And ultimately, I think there are very few people whose opinions really “matter”…like, for me, I think the main person whose opinion of me matters is my spouse and everybody else can just…well. Yeah. But even though I’m not exactly sure what you’re referring to, I just want to say, you can get through this, and you are a good mom for the fact that you care. You will get out of this depression and you will probably be a better person for it. I love your blog, keep it up.
even though I know exactly what you are talking about, because we have talked about it…..I have no idea how to fix it and return your life to “normal”….I am so sorry my dear friend. It makes me so sad for you and your girls. Even for him, because he is seriously damaging your family and he will not realize it until its too late….I am going to call you today….be strong.
I let my kids see my emotion, to some extent. I was raised in an environment where showing any emotion other than happiness was weak and undesirable, so it wasn’t until I was much older did I realize that I wasn’t as alone as I had felt growing up. It was mind boggling that everyone, even the “cool kids,” dealt with the same emotions I had hid for so long. To attempt to keep my own children from feeling the same way, I’m open with them. (Well, the baby doesn’t really care yet, at 6 months old lol) A friend of ours passed away and instead of hiding the tears like I wanted, I let myself cry in front of my son and then explained why. I wasn’t hysterical or anything, but I just wanted him to see that you can’t be strong all the time and nobody expects you to be. I explained that I was sad. I’ve also explained my anger sometimes: “This makes me so mad because…” As long as I use a calm, reasonable tone and don’t talk to him like I don’t think he’s smart enough to understand, he seems to do pretty well with it.
Start living, have a good time and eventually the pain will get easier, but it takes time, years even, it took me 10 years (after 20 years of marriage) to get over it. Just know it’s not something you did, it is who he is, not you. Your “ME” time is what will get you through, the children will see that happiness, take some classes for a hobby you might like, there you will meet like minded people, maybe even a wonderful man that has been done the same way as you. You got this, and are doing wonderfully. HUGS!
Whatever you do don’t talk about hubby in front of the children badly.