I sit here with pneumonia frustrated that I even have it! I shouldn’t. I should have taken better care of myself, gotten more sleep, made sure I found a great doctor that I could have gone to on the first signs of an issue.
But, no. I took care of everyone else. I did not want to spend the money on me. I did not want to be a burden.
So, I threw myself into the end of the year school activities, trying to live up to my husband’s and children’s expectations, trying to live up to my own expectations and ignored symptoms of an illness that would not get better.
About a month ago, I finally did break down and go to Urgent Care. I cringed at the $50 co pay and the $50 in medication and worked even harder to make that up. Thus not resting. Thus not eating well. This creating a larger problem that I am now dealing with. Pneumonia, more medical bills and more prescription costs.
As I drove home, praying for a quiet house when I got home so I could rest, I got really angry with me.
I am TIRED of putting myself last! Tired of pushing myself to the back burner so that everyone else is happy! Tired of pretending that I don’t matter and can make myself a priority in the future!
And extremely frustrated at the level of disregard I have given myself over these years of mothering.
I am now 40 pounds over weight because I don’t eat all day and then binge at night. How hard is it to take 5 seconds away from my kids saying, “Mommy, I want…” and “Mommy, please can I have…” and make myself something healthy to eat? Why can’t I say “WAIT PLEASE!” so that I can make sure I am feeding myself like I should – like I used to – in order to maintain good internal health?
Instead I eat standing up, never finishing a warm meal as I do the bidding for those I created. And then late at night, I am starving and the cheese sticks and Oreo’s come out and help me maintain my “blob” of a belly!
And what ever happened to the five minutes a day I need to put on a light dusting of makeup and do something with my hair besides pulling it into a ponytail? There were days when I would not be caught DEAD outside without looking at least 75% my best. Now, I have lowered that standard to 25%. And there is really no reason for my physical appearance being so bad. I can certainly find time to do something to make myself look less like death walking.
And I am so very tired of pretending that it does not hurt when I am so disregarded in this household that I start to do it too. It bothers me when I come home from a four hour trip to the doctor and it is ten o’clock at night and all of the kids are up and the dishes are piled to the top and laundry covers every surface in the living room – including the folded ones I had sitting to the side. I know I am a stay at home mom and I know it is my responsibility to make sure the house is clean and the chores are done. But the blanket “understanding” that it is my sole responsibility to do everything under this roof, regardless of fever, ailments, and time away is simply painful. And somewhat degrading.
But I blame no one else but myself for letting it get this bad. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. And when I struggle to balance it all and make myself even an ounce of important to myself, others are going to find it hard to care an ounce about me too.
So I am making a declaration! I WILL be a priority again! I will make sure I put the mask on first on the plane before the kids! I will respect myself enough to take care of myself so that others have no choice but to respect me too! I will get my life, my weight, my self respect and my self worth in order!
And I will take every one who wants to climb back to the top of their own priority with me! One baby step at a time until we can leap the canyon with one swift jump! I am DONE With It! Done with losing myself and hiding under a rock so others can flourish.
We mother’s need to make ourselves a priority again! Even if it means letting something else go!
Find more Motherhood Posts at My Recent Writings