We’ve all done it. We have hit the wall. Run out of the will to parent. And if we say we have not ever hit it then we lie.
The wall is hard and the bricks can really pile up. A stubborn child meets a determined rule. A sleepless parent loses the ability to be creative. Kids rally with each other to form a united front and the tug of war of debate and consequence begins. It is part of it all. And we all can’t be June Cleaver all the time. Not even if we did get a lifetime supply of Aqua Net with coupons.
At least, I admit with my hand held high, I can’t!
Lately my wall has been sitting on my lap. Not because the kids have really changed. They are just different, we’ll say. More defiant, more bold, more in tune to the empty threats and false promises of ‘red hineys’ and ‘hanging up by your toes’. None of which have actually happened, of course, and they know that.
Maybe that and the hustle and bustle of Back to School and the constant talk of “13 more days!” has them more excited and less willing to settle down. I don’t know. But I do know that I am reaching my breaking point faster these days and I don’t like it.
Not.one.bit.
So, I have devised 5 things that I can do to help remove the wall from my lap so that I can be the stand up mom I aim to be 76.465% of the time. We’ll just call the other percentage ‘Barely getting by!”
These is a serious To-Do list too. No jokes like “eat chocolate and drink wine.”
OK, but that is a good one… so 6 Things to do If You Don’t Want to Parent Anymore.
Drop and Give them a Story
Magical things happen when the written word is in play. Especially with my kids. So when I don’t want to do it anymore, I yell, “Story Circle!” and they all come running, favorite books in hand, to listen intently to whatever princess needs saving, treasure needs finding or animal needs rescuing. They all three sit, content with the attention they probably were striving for anyway with their bad behavior, and listen quietly for as long as it takes. And for me, it gives me time to do something in motherhood that gets lost in the work, the chores, the bills and life… I get to look at my beautiful angels loving time with me. The energy is transformed and all is well… until the next fight.
Call a Friend
Chances are your friends have been there too. I know all of my friends have. We get to that point and we just want to sit down, bury our heads in our arms, curse the mother’s who never told us how frustrating it could be, and cry. So even though you just vacuumed the living room for the 3rd time that morning and you see your 3 year old heading to the table with the Rice Krispies and you know with all of your heart that even if you give her a bowl, she will dump that box on your carpet, but you just don’t have the gumption to stop the new mess, then take your phone, walk outside and hit speed dial 5. Whomever answers is who you talk to for 5 full minutes. Leave the door cracked so you can see your child making the mess, but talk away like nothing is happening. At least, for me, when I go back in after a good laugh and a little understanding, I don’t mind so much the constant work of preventing her from making another mess.
Turn Off the TV
I can not tell you how many times I have been busy and harried and frustrated and just tired of all of the NOISE in this house! Between three young kids, the phone, the dog – who by the way has not figured out that barking at a squirrel 50 feet up in a tree is a totally useless activity – and the voices in my head, the noise is completely overwhelming! And since eliminating those distractions – the voices are my friends, don’t make fun – is virtually impossible, I’ll eliminate what I can. And that is the TV. Plus, by turning it off, we are all forced to use our imaginations. In addition, it just eliminates one more thing that can distract me from being able to focus on taking care of my kids. Because I can get into it – just as anyone can – and things can and will happen during that moment when I am engrossed. And the new mess, pulled hair or whatever else can go wrong when mommy is distracted, is very stressful and an unnecessary addition to my day!
Take a Walk
There is something refreshing and uplifting about getting outside. Now, right now in Texas, it is about 105° every day. So at 3 in the afternoon we have to walk to the length of the house. But if you can do it, head outside, if only for a minute! Yes, it is a L O T of work to get three kids ready to go on a 5 minutes walk up the street. But once I get out and I walk and they ride bikes or we all walk or one walks and the other three complain, it’s OK! Because we are out! We escaped the routine of the daily schedule, found something new to see, spent some time alone together without phones and toys strewn about. Besides, I don’t have to clean anything outside and that makes me happy!
Pull Up Your Big Girl Pants
Sometimes, even though you are DONE, you just have to pull up your big girl pants and do it anyway. I imagine I am a boxer about to enter the ring. I know I can’t win. They have the power to knock me out and break my spirit but, to be honest, no one is going to do it for me, so I’d better buck up! I have to dig in my heels, stay away from the corner and swing with determination. Otherwise, they will take over!
Drink Wine and Eat Chocolate
Better yet, pour the rich Merlot over the chocolate and enjoy. Sometimes it just has to be done.
I know I can not be alone. I know that we all have to struggle sometimes. I know there are no perfect mothers – if you are one, I’d like to bronze you and put you in a museum please – but there are a lot of mothers striving to be perfect. Just that pressure alone can be overwhelming!
How do you do it? What do you do when the parenting gets tough. When the patience is gone and there is no end in sight to that frustrating phase? What do you do when you don’t want to parent anymore?
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This is a great post, and something I really needed!
thank you for writing this, i am so there this week, def needed this! thank you!
Thanks…that’s great! I am constantly surprised at how strong a mom has to be…I don’t know how many times in a week (sometimes in a day…lol) that I think I can’t possibly take anymore and yet I do…cause I have to…I do actually love the boogers very much! Lol… I love the simplicity of your suggestions….though chocolate is right up there with reading to me ;)
Thanks for this. I just can’t say how much I needed to read this
I had one of those today where I hit the wall with my 2 boys. It’s been a long week with the husband working late nights and missing baths and bed all week. It got to me and I felt bad for being short with my oldest, but I have to give myself a break and start again fresh tomorrow.
I needed that right at this moment. My child is in timeout and I am in tears. Thanks!
This was nice, but I know I am not going to be a any better than I have been. I worry too much about How others feel. I am quick to place all blame on my significant other. I look at my child and think about how I longed for my parents to love me for who I am. My son needs a strong parent. I am not that strong parent. My child’s father however is strong. Strong, stable, and does what he knows is best regardless of who says otherwise. I am a weak minded I individual and I have nothing more than sadness and self pitty to offer my child.
I can relate to you. For sure!! It is just so hard sometimes. This article helped definitely but my problem is having all these feelings ON TOP OF DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY! I just found out we won’t have insurance after this month so things are hard with my meds still let alone without them so I am already worrying about something that for one hasn’t even happened yet and for two something I have absolutely no control over. Wish me luck. All I want is to make my kids happy and help them grow up to be strong minded adults who aren’t weak like me…i just hope I can.
In same place..hope things are okay.
I read about other parents who don’t want to parent anymore and then I don’t feel so bad or alone. Then I’m ready to put on my “big girl pants” on.
You are definitely NOT alone!!!!
Needed this bad! Two more weeks till school and not surw if Im.going to make it!
You can do it!!!!!! LOL :)
My four year old is completely insane and very mean. Dont know if I can take it. There are four kids total and they make me long for a heart attack just so I wont have to get through another day. They have 0 respect for me. Im sure its all my fault and blah blah but I try SO hard to be nice and fun. I just want to hide away because they always want and take so much from me. I feel empty. I wish I was stronger. Like freaking superhuman.
You sound just like me!:( Gosh I hope it gets easier…
I literally am reading this with a glass of wine. I’m so glad its not just me. I’m crying that I feel like a terrible mum coz I don’t want to put up with my 2 year old screaming crying anymore because he wants a biscuit (hes already had one!) And he won’t go for a nap even though hes shattered and he peed himself and he doesn’t want clean pants on and he wants the blanket but he doesn’t want it and he doesn’t want the TV on so turns it off but wants to watch Mulan and hes screaming crying because the DAY ENDS IN A Y! :'( plus I’m pretty sure hes just pood! ?
But I don’t want to do any of this. I don’t want to parent at all. I thought I wanted kids, I did want kids, I had absolutely no idea what it would be like and that I would hate parenting. I don’t hate my kids, I hate parenting, it’s not just sometimes it’s in general. This was not what I thought it would be. I don’t want to play with them, I did not think that I had to, my mom never did, I played with my sisters. I ate the food in front of me, I was over-joyed to have new shoes. I wish I could work 12 hours/day, 7 days a week and come home and snuggle them for 15 minutes at bedtime. I hatE everything else, but what do you do when you have already committed by literally having them?
There are many people who do have kids and then don’t like it once it happens. But keep this in mind. The reason that you ate the food in front of you is because at some point, your mom taught you that if you did not, you would go hungry. The reason you got excited about new shoes – my kids do too, by the way – is because you read your moms cues and learned that it IS an exciting thing. My mother did not really play with me either but i play with my kids because it brings ME great joy. No mother gets the same out of motherhood that others do. You may dislike the process, honestly, most parents do, but if you are consistent and have a good idea of what you want your kids to value, you can be the one influence that gets them there. So if you want them to self-play, teach them how to. If you want them to love quiet time, teach them to do that. However, if you are really, really struggling, there is no harm in hiring a mommy’s helper or asking friends for help. It sounds to me like you adore your kids, hence the snuggling, but are overwhelmed with the 24/7 process. Others can help with that and I hope you do reach out! We are all here for you too!
That is exactly how I feel these days. My 10 year old is defiant, stubborn and angry. He goes into rages at small things. Sometimes he gets violent. I can never tell what will trigger him. This is interspersed with patches of time when he is loving, creative, funny and smart. But we end up in power struggles all the time. His father can’t stand stress and gives in to almost all the demands. I try and hold the line and get shat on. We have been to a couple of therapists but haven’t really gotten very far. Like you, I’d much rather work 12 hours a day, come home for a snuggle and be done with it. I didn’t sign up for this. I”m at my wit’s end. If I wasn’t a responsible person with a husband who is not completely well, I’d get on the next flight to Mexico and never come back. I thought I would love parenting and be a good parent. I don’t and I’m not and it’s a real drag.
That’s tough. Really really tough. Just know that you are not alone! Many people struggle, especially with an unpredictable child. I will be praying that you find a way to help your son with his issues and, in turn, yourself too :( (((HUGS))
i agree , im completley fed up with both my kids, thier friends and girlfriends, i really dont need the hassle anymore of a grown 23 year old trying to run my household and take over our lives, i know the smart thing to do is tell him and his girlfriend to leave and i think that is what is going to happen now, he has managend to destroy my relationship with my husband, my younger child used to be a very respectful and lving child ,and he has turned int oa demon, i love both my kids but i loved my older son better when he wasnt around. he was taken from me by my parents at age 7 and was raised by then, now since he has returned at 18 he thinks he knows what best fo me and my now decent family. i disagreeee, as much as i love him and wanted him to come and live with us, our lives have been turned upside down because of it, and i just vcant take it anymore. i dont have the heart to ask him to leave but if he doesnt then he is going to destroy whats ledft of the once happy family we used to be. im sorry sheldon, but you vcannot change the person i have become since you were away, as much as youd like to turn back time, it just cant be that way any longer. i cannot live the way i did when i was 21. im sorry, and if you cannot axcceopt that your lifestyle is wrecking our home then , you are going to leave. we will not put up with this anymore, yjis is or was a christian household, and your unchristian ways are making our lives hell. you may not realize this until youve lived long enough to know wgen to turn over your life to god, and live a decent christian life, until then you need to find your own place where you will not disturb the lives of others. please find a nice apartment for yourdelf, and leave us alone now. Asjkk jodie, papa or sherree to help you, we are tired and done witnh is kind of life now. thanks ,
Being Christian does not make you a better person. If it did then our prisons would not be filled with these supposed religious people. I’m an Atheist and I took care of my parents since I was in 6th grade. I literally spent my evenings, weekends, and summer breaks painting apartments and cleaning houses to pay our household bills and for their medications. I worked my ass off at 2 jobs and put myself through college with absolutely no outside help. I volunteer and give to the needy all the time. It makes me sick that people like you think that the only way to be a good person is to be Christian. People like you, ‘holier than thou’, are what’s wrong with this country. You don’t take any responsibility and you’re quick to shun others including your own son. Had you actually been there for him after age 7 maybe he would have more respect. That’s on you lady and not his lack of belief in God.
I was so excited to find this article…
Until I read it all.
Not the least bit helpful.
Four kids….10,5,3 and 4 months. already on anti depressant…so can’t drink. my 3 year old just makes these huge..huge ridiculous messes! no matter what the punishment…she repeats the behavior. I’m exhuasted..I just try and try..constantly cleaning with no help or end in sight. I think, horribly in my mind, ( though I know I couldn’t actually bare the thought)….I understand why that single mother tried to drive her mini van into the ocean.
I am so, so sorry that you are so overwhelmed. It definitely is a way almost every mom feels at least a few times a week. At least, I did when I had little ones like you do. My kids, at around 3, also made huge messes and I never thought it would end. But as they age, they can make the mess AND pick it up! Hang on to the knowledge that this will pass and come chat anytime. Single motherhood is tough, I know… but it does get easier as they age! Much love and HUGS!!!
Yessssssss????
swear it was gonna say something extreme but nope kept it mellow
Girls, I am sorry to read all this. I am in the same boat. I just had a 48 hour break from my kids and thought I’d be happy to have them back but I’m not. I was a much happier person when they were gone. They’re not bad kids, they’re just assholes half the time and I’m expected to put all my concentration into refereeing and it’s depressing. May we all somehow stay in the game…
Kids are tough. It is all the attention all the time. But I try to remind myself that they will be out of the house soon, living their own lives and it will be too quiet here… that gets me through the tough days! (((hugs)) We can do it!
Thank you for your realistic tips. I feel better knowing I’m not alone and that it will get better.
You are definitely NOT alone!! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment :) We are here if you need us!
Ladies… ugh!! Im here now… im sitting @ the table and I’m looking around at my disaster of a house in tears.. Did i mention the dogs are both barking at absolutely nothing like always, my crazy sister that mumbles and talks to herself is here, my brother just showed up and is sitting on the couch talking on his hone in his ridiculouslyloud booming voice (oh and its on speaker phone, y 3 little ones 10,8, & 6 are throwing punches and screaming over the video game chairs.. I’m losing it and frankly I just want to walk out and let them all handle everything on their own.. i want to run away!!! Did i mention i have my ever optomistic mother here telling me i should do this and shouldn’t do that… & here i sit just wishing everyone had an off switch so i can have some peace and quiet & no more mess.. i swear I’d only turn them off for like 5 mins… or years… who knows…
I know so many of you feel me on this.. and it is so refreshing to know that I’m honestly not the only one…
Btw: any suggestions on how to stop my son from cussing so much wld be greatly appreciated.. and any ideas on how to make all 5 of my kids less assholish plz plz plz help ya girl out…
I’m drowning here… Calgon can’t help me!!! Thanks ladies. Hugs n love n peace of mind too all of us!!!
Oh we have been there and it SUCKS!!! Funny how family gatherings can sometimes make us feel even worse about our ability! I hope things settled down and you found some time for you!
As far as the cussing, try reward/ punishment tactics like ‘you lose 10 minutes of screen time for every curse word’. A few days without TV, phone or tablet might curb it. But you have to stick with it!
Kids can be azzhats… we all know that. My advice is to take 10 minutes to yourself, read a book, play a game on your phone, hide in the closet and then come out and give them 20 minutes of undivided attention. I did this consistently for a few days and my kids seems to be less… jerky. It’s like they just want attention…
Keep us updated! But we have ALL been there!!! (((HUGS)))
Good tips, but I’m beyond some of them. Like I don’t have any friends, and I can’t talk to my mom about my feelings or she just gets mad. I can’t afford summer camp and my husband doesn’t trust babysitters. My husband and child both have OCD and anxiety, and he’s paranoid as well. I have ADHD and maybe dyslexia. I feel so alone and isolated. I don’t even know how to begin to make a change. Like I’m just stuck as this house slave. Even though I’m educated and have a degree. My husband put our daughter’s happiness over mine and well doesn’t agree with spanking, which sometimes is the only way to make my point. I just realized my daughter would be better off at daycare than home with me. I have a lot of projects I work on outside, and come in to find her watching some one on YouTube she’s not allowed to watch. Or just up to something. I’m not some one who can, or wished to engage with a child all day or hover over them 24/7 to make sure they aren’t accidentally watching something too violent or pornographic. I know I suck at parenting, but didn’t know until I had a kid. I’m expected to be motherly because I have ovaries, and stay home. And my husband because he has testicles expects to be the provider, even though my starting pay is 3-4 dollars higher than his maxed out pay at his entry level job. I hate my life. Death is the only way out at this point. I think I’d rather die than live to see how fucked up my kids going to be from having me for a mother.
OK. 1st off, no kid is ‘better off’ because they don’t have a mother. So please PLEASE get that out of your head. You are stuck in a vicious cycle that is exhausting you. Exhausted people can find it hard to see a change or way out. But there is. It starts with showing this message to your husband. Secondly, if you don’t feel you have any friends, find a group online that can help. I am quite isolated as well but have some great people I have never met online that help me when things are the darkest. Parenting is H A R D! Lacking confidence in your ability is normal, I certainly feel inadequate at times. But we all have to know that our kids NEED us even if we can’t see it from all the pain and stress in our lives. Please keep in touch and come join me on my FB page. You are NOT ALONE!! ((((hugs)))))
Oh wow Suzy! You are soooo under estimating your value!!! I do not have the answers but I do know that growing up without a parent is horrible! Do you go to church? If so, does it offer marriage counseling or daycare? I only mention daycare because it sounds like you could use a few hrs for yourself (a few hrs a week maybe?). Lori is correct, there are online groups for all needs, just google to find one. You are important!
Well I will say after reading some of these comments I feel like a jerk. But really my child is 11 and homework is killing me. She is slightly challenged more in terms of reading and comprehension. She loves to draw but that’s not reading. So she waits until I get home from work to do all the reading! I can’t take it. I did exceptional in school. So her lack of exceptionalism is unnerving! I’m tired after 9.5 hours away from home. Only to give class lessons because someone didn’t pay attention.
I know how you feel! My parents never had to help me with my homework, but my son needs a lot of help. Any chance you can hire a local teenager to help her with her homework or check with her school to see if there is some after school program that can help her?
I thought this article was about not wanting to be a parent? Somehow it turned into, I want to be a parent but I’m just stressed from parenting. I accidentally had a kid for someone who I thought wanted it because they said they wanted it then as soon as it was born they changed and acted like I wanted it. Now it’s a preteen and no body wants it. Now what?
5 kids, 4 teens one young adult. Single mom. Smothered in bills no child support. Working as a rideshare driver sometimes day and night only to be invisible to my children and what feels like the world. All I am is what they need me to be and thatisn’t enough. I really want to throw my entire life in the trash can. Its 1 of me and 5 of them. I hate their talking back and refusal not to do anything unless their asked despite chores being posted. They are rude as hell and one has told his sibling he doesn’t like me. I really wish I didn’t exist, I’m buried and tired
Oh man girls..so glad I found this I’m so isolated and I’m desperate to have some sort of forum to vent to. And the comments range from the moderate to extreme, but I don’t judge a single one! I’m tired. I have a nine yr old and I love her and being a mother, but I hate being a mom when it’s not going well I’ve learned. It’s constant, tedious and some days, soul crushing. After work you’re supposed to look forward to relaxing, not when ur a mom. Some days I frankly don’t want to do it. I want to lay in my own funk and NOT feel guilty about it. Everything is guilt. God forbid we have no plans on a Saturday and I’m just constantly harrassed by a kid who can’t accept that I really just don’t want to be bothered. I’ve been crying all day. We are so isolated and I just feel trapped sometimes. I wish I was a better mother and had a bigger support/social circle. Got nothing done this weekend and I’ll have hell to pay for it this week. But thanks for everyone’s thoughts it does help to know I’m not alone
No judgment fro me either. I’ve been a single mom, working outside the home and raising my children for 25 years. I’ve been at this for 25 years. I have one 25 and one 14, who I homeschool in addition to working full time. They are great young men. The oldest has his own family now and is doing well but they are both strong willed so I’ve been dealing with those wills for 25 years. I’m just tired. I don’t feel like I have it in me for the last leg of this journey. I don’t think I can clean or fix another meal or go to the grocery store or wash dishes or sweep up dog hair one more single time. I’m just done. It’s a critical moment here and I really don’t know how many more steps I can take.
This is kind of a bullshit article. What about the mom who really seriously feels like she can’t do it anymore? This is a fluff article, I’m so tired of articles like this. Write a real article for people who are TIRED of being a mom- whose nipples are sore and burning, who haven’t slept in 7 weeks, whose toddlers won’t stop yelling, who can’t even get a nap in because the baby always wants to be held, who has no family around that will actually help. Write a real freaking article for her!!!
This completely saved me, I read this and at the end was in years. This means I’m not a horrible person. I have 4 kids, 3 girls and 1 boy, girls are 9,7,5 and the boy is 8…today I just couldn’t, it’s 10:00pm and I googled ‘what do I do if I don’t want to parent anymore’ … These past few months have just been so overwhelming and hard!!!! Hard as heck!!!!….but reading this made me not feel crazy. I do everything u mentioned except the story circle, my children will not be content lol….
I hate being a mother but I love my kids but don’t like them but I couldn’t imagine anything happening to them…like I wish I would wake up and it was all a dream ,that would be lovely, the first thing I’d do is tie my tubes
They’re so unappreciative and so spoiled, they’re so messy and lazy and they don’t listen until I yell, they constantly fight with each other and they constantly yell and cry and yell and fight and cry …over and over and over again. I’m going crazy, I cry out of frustration, I cry and I think about running away I think about just leaving and not ever coming back….but I knowwwww I can’t do that, their my babies. But where did I go wrong! What did I do! I even prayed..I’m just counting the days til there older, until there 18, people say time flies but my time is not flying!!!!!
I am so so glad that you found it! You are NOT alone, ever, as most moms are at their wits end! Including me!! (((HUGS)))
I am still in doubt if i even want kids……reading all these posts firmed me in my belief that I actually DON’T want kids.
I am sure they can bring loads of fun, but they can bring loads of crap and unhappiness too. I am actually happy with my life now, I have my hands full with just me.
Sometimes I am afraid it may feel empty at some point, but on the other hand: being miserable half the time is not the recipe for a happy life either.
Reading all your comments …they address exactly everything I fear about becoming a mom. The parenting, the constant lack of time for yourself…. I really don’t see why people voluntarily chose this path of life.
Hi Iris, We do it because the joys, the highs and the rewards far outweigh any negatives. I did not want kids or marriage until I hit 33. The marriage was a massive disappointment but the children have been my life’s most valuable treasures. My best friend, however, never wanted kids and is 45 and has never regretted her decision. All people are different. Your life is the way you want it to be. Kids or no kids, it is exactly the way it is supposed to be :)