How My Divorce Has Made Me a Better Mother

Nine months ago I finally got up the backbone to not only ask my ex husband to leave – once again – but the power to actually follow through and make him go.  Not an easy feat but it was the best decision I have made since deciding to have children.

Since then, life has just gotten better.

me and girls

My confidence has risen to almost annoying levels – ask my neighbors -  my self esteem has slowly recovered – not an easy task after 10 years of being told I was not good enough – and I am learning that being a single mom does not have to be scary, exhausting or a reason to solicit sympathy.

But the one major difference I have noticed is that I am a much better mother now to my three little ones than I ever was before.

I was so incredibly unhappy with my ex-husband that my children suffered the consequences. I can admit it. I had a short fuse, an exhaustion like I have never felt and I didn’t take care of me, myself and I at all.  I let the house get out of control – OK, that still happens today – let myself balloon up to an uncomfortable size, cried at the drop of a hat and was always trying to escape or ‘take a break’.

I remember having wonderful days with my girls and cringing when I saw he was home and then changing in an instant to a short fused, grumpy, bitter mom who wanted to do nothing more than go to my room, lay down and not come out.  It was horrible and it went on for years.

It was this toxic environment year after year that gave me the strength to embark on a life with my kids that did not include the negative.  And it has been amazing!

I don’t know if it is the same for everyone, but when in my marriage, I tended to want to ‘escape’ as often as I could.  I wanted a ‘break’, wanted to get away, wanted him to step up and take care of things so that I could get away from it all.  I used to complain to friends that I never got a moment of peace.  I was the one with the kids all day, making dinner, doing to laundry, putting them to bed, getting up all night and then doing it again day after day.  Even when I was sick, I took care of everything.  In fact, I remember him telling me that mom’s don’t get sick days.

I was miserable, always looking for every opportunity to get away, even if it was to take a 45 minute shower in water that was cold 10 minutes in just to be by myself.

Since becoming a full time single mom, my struggle now is what to do with my time alone.  I LOVE having my kids with me.  I take them everywhere and only leave them for work related meetings or when he has to have them by law.  They are my sunshine, my strength, my best friends and my playmates.  We go everywhere together, live every moment together and I simply can not believe that I wanted to get away at one point and time.

I want to get up from my desk and play outside with them.  My camera snaps all day long as I record every smile, move and laugh.  And when they do leave, I feel great sadness and don’t know what to do.  I almost always want them back immediately and when I get them back, I am overjoyed.  My life feels complete again!

Now I tell people that say I must have my hands full that I would not have it any other way.  Instead of the “yes I DO!” it is  ”I am blessed to be so happily busy.” I am finally the mom I want to be and I am so grateful.

I try to schedule things to get out and do when he has them and I have reconnected with friends I lost during the marriage and generally have plans.  But my world is only truly complete again only when I have them with me.

Another thing I have noticed is that my patience is back.  I think when someone is in a bad relationship, they tend to take out their frustrations on the ones around them.  And I think my patience level was non existent for a long time.  It seems to have miraculously reappeared.  I have noticed – and friends have too – that I no longer take in deep breaths when my kids ask for something 57000 times.  I simply reply and then remind them of my answer.  I get down on their level now instead of towering over them. Listen to their complete sentence before cutting them off with “NO!”, and try to remember that they are little kids.  It has made such a change in me and my kids and for that, I am grateful.

Don’t get me wrong.  I wish I had listened to my head when I chose the father for my kids and picked a man who loved me and wanted to do the work it takes to make a marriage successful.  My dream was to be in a happy marriage and be in it for life.  I did not lightly choose to end mine.  But my reasoning’s for doing so were for the benefit of my children and I can honestly say that they are a LOT happier now then they were before!

I certainly have challenges I would not wish on anyone.  The financial strain is huge, the doubt of whether I can handle everything is stressful and the loneliness when they are gone can be crushing.   And my chores are overwhelming for sure.  And, I do wish I was in a healthy marriage or relationship for them to see.   I actually feel great guilt sometimes for not being in one.

But, my decision to get out of a stressful situation and go it alone seems to be the absolute best decision I have made in years.  And so I thank this experience.  Because in the stress of it all, I am learning to be the mother that I always wanted to be.

And that is all that matters to me!

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Divorce and Debt: Can You Make it Work?

No, this blog is not turning into a ‘divorce’ blog, I promise.  But someone asked me the other day how I was ever going to manage my debt that I had left from the divorce and my mortgage, three kids, and everything else I have to pay for.  She scared me a little and I wondered if Divorce and Debt management was even possible.

So, I started doing some research.  I really, really, don’t want to file for bankruptcy - in fact, I don’t think I even qualify – so I needed to find some solutions and fast.  Luckily, I can turn to my trusty resource, Genworth Financial, to get some ideas.

Now, other than calling the credit card companies and begging for a lower rate – usually you will receive it – and selling every asset you have to stay afloat, there are things you can do to help plan and make your income stretch.  Like consulting a reputable financial adviser and seeing if there are any options!

 Now, I know what you are thinking, “How can I afford a financial adviser when I can’t pay my debt?”  Surprisingly, they are not that expensive.  In fact, there are some really great, independent ones that are knee deep in taxes right now but, during the rest of the year give expert, personal, financial advice for a very reasonable rate.  They are a lot cheaper than that bulky cost of actually filing for bankruptcy too!  And if they can help me stretch my dollar and pay all of my responsibilities and still pay for groceries, then they are perfect for someone like me!

Because now, more than ever, as this article on Women and Money: Why You Need to Take Control Now, explains, I need to think of money as a way to achieve my goals.  And to achieve a debt free lifestyle, I need to commit and plan and get it done.

It can be done and I know where I can cut and what I can afford in order to protect the high credit score I have worked my whole life to achieve.

Do you have any advice for those who struggle with debt?  I’d love to hear it!

Information for this post is sourced from Genworth Financial in partnership with the SheHeard Influencer Network.” All writings and opinions are my own.  Please see my Disclosure Statement for more information. 

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I Needed to Write SOMETHING: Dealing with Emotional Isolation

I have been through some things in my life that are probably out of the norm.  Not necessarily any worse than other people.  But things that I just have out there.  And, even as a little girl, I have used writing as a way to let those experiences filter through me and onto paper lifting the weight that I had to endure.

When I started this blog, the sole purpose was to write.  As it has grown I have turned it into much needed income.  Especially now.  And I have learned that I really love to give my opinions on things that could help someone else down the line.  So the products and such are an outlet as well!  And I truly truly LOVE giving things away and making someone’s day.  Especially if I know what they are getting is pretty darn awesome!

But as I am starting the new chapter of my life as a single mom of three it is KILLING me that I can not sit down and write all about it.  And I know some readers – thank you for your emails – are missing seeing something about what is happening too.  But anyone who has been though a messy divorce knows that everyone tells you to hush up and keep your opinions to yourself until the last piece of paper is signed.

So I feel really sorry for you guys at the end of March!

But I think that I am feeling more lost, confused and unsteady because I can not write it down.  Well, I can write it down but I can’t get support and opinions from readers who have been through it.   You, who I have come to rely on for help, support and making the right decisions in my parenting and life are not a resource for me right now.

And it is frustrating.  And I know for you guys too who want – as I have been told – more of the personal writings that used to decorate this blog almost on a daily basis.

I promise you they are coming back!  And by the truckloads too!

But this whole thing has got me thinking.  How do people deal with things when the avenues they have come to rely on are suddenly lost to them?  Whether it be that parent that you talked to an hour every day that passed away.  Or that best friend who moved away and even with texting, email and social media, that two hours away is an eternity.  Or the neighbor who found a boyfriend and suddenly lost time for you.

How does someone cope when the stresses of their lives when what and who they turn to for advice, concern and honesty are suddenly not there?

Of course, there is God and He and I are tighter than I have ever been with Him right now.  And I will forever be grateful for these challenges because they brought me closer to Him.  But can one solely rely on God to deal with  the complexities of stressors that change lives?

So here I sit, sentences jumping out my head, eager to hit the page, to be hear, to be read, to be understood.  And I am blocked by a metaphorical brick wall that refuses to let me through a crevice for even a moment.  This is a lonely place, I won’t lie.  This emotional isolation.

Thank God I won’t be here long.  Because just as pages in a good book are turned rapidly ending the story all too soon, so are the chapters in a bad one.  At some point you get to close the book and put it back on the shelf to stay until you want to relive it in a different time in your life.

Until then…. I just needed to write something…

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My Divorce: A New Kind of Motherhood

Three months ago my husband moved out.  Two months ago, I filed papers for a divorce.  One month ago, I spent any spare time in bed trying to wrap my head around the failure of my marriage.  And last week, I dragged myself up, put a smile on a my face and started to refocus.  And now that smile has become real.

I’ll be honest, as I try to always be with you guys, I was not going to share this life changing experience on here.  The title ‘Divorce’ comes with preconceived notions, ideas and judgements…. even from people who do not realize they are passing them.  Especially if you are the one who filed the papers, as I did. I was advised by half of the people I know not to share and the other half to share.  But what it boils down to is that this is my life I chronicle on here.  And I can not call myself an honest person and ask you guys to believe my opinions and thoughts if I do not share this major life change with you.

But the most important reason I want to share is that I am now aware that I am embarking on an entirely new kind of motherhood.  The motherhood of a single mom who does not live near family, has mostly friends who work out of the home and three children 6 and under.

And it is hard.  Just as motherhood was before.  Sure, if I want to go to the store I have to take the kids with me.  But I did that a lot anyway and now we are learning math and reading and how to pick a product off the shelf.  I even let them choose a brand new fruit or vegetable they have never had before when we go.  So, sure, it is hard and they still act out sometimes, but they are participating in the process and that is a life lesson I am being forced to teach.  One I will be thankful they know later, I am sure.

And yes, discipline on my own is challenging.  Especially when they all get going and the noise of the three challenges the sound barrier.  But what I say goes, no matter what and they are learning that no one is going to swoop in and excuse their behavior.  Therefore, ironically, teaching them the right way to behave and do things is actually easier.  And it seems to be more effective now!  In fact, they are doing so well that my confidence in taking them places and being able to handle them is growing too!

Case in point:  We just got in today from a 7 day Cruise with Disney Cruise Lines!  Yes, just me and the three girls on a 7 day Cruise to Mexico.  I was apprehensive at first when I accepted the trip.  I sometimes feel I can barely handle them here at times, how could I possibly handle all three on a boat with three stops 24/7 for 7 days?  My insecure doubts that I would not be good enough, skilled enough or patient enough seeped in.  But I knew that this was a once in a lifetime for them and took them anyway.  Though I admit I never took them off the ship.

And I surprised myself – and I think a whole lot of other people too.  Of course, it helps that the Disney Cruise Ships have free childcare, and I did use it for at least a few hours a day (not so much for a ‘break’ but because the Kids Clubs was AWESOME and that is where they wanted to go!), but I did manage to take three daughters on a 7 day Cruise without incident.  We had our meals together, played together, swam in the pool daily, went to shows, stood in line for characters and more.  All without melt-downs, craziness or anyone commenting about me being a bad mother.  In fact, I got more comments about how good my girls were.

Which pleased me to no end, I will not lie!

But I did it.  My kids are happy, I am happy and it was a great time.  Sure, I wish I had done better.  I wish I had taken them to more events, had the money to treat them to more things and the ability to spend one on one time with them each more, but in the end, it was a great experience for us all.  And I am really glad I did it.

Like every day from here on out, I will probably always wonder if I am doing the best for my kids.  If their new childhood will affect them badly or if I will be able to handle every challenge that comes my way.  More than financial or physically doing for them.  But emotionally and intelligently.  Do I have the strength and where-with-all to raise them on the same path I had planned all along?

Maybe not…. but I won’t know until I do it.  And I can’t do it unless I believe I can.  And I can not believe unless I trust myself and what I know about my abilities and how I have handled motherhood so far.

So though the prospect of being able to raise them right and with love and affection once scared the living crap out of me, I have come to understand that it does not have to be so scary.  I am a mom, just like a ton of women.  And whether I am single, married, widowed, divorced, adoptive or something else, I am still a mom.  And the unity of motherhood and what that job entails will be the basis for my parenting now just as it was before.

My Day in Motherhood might start out and end differently now.  I might have a new title as a Separated or Divorced mom. But what happens in between is still as fun and exciting and stressful and wonderful as it always has been.  And my three beautiful, amazing, crazy, determined girls will be just fine.  As long as I am.

And I am.  Better than I have been in years.

New title and all.

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Are People Too Opinionated These Days?

I was at a girls night recently and a very weird conversation came up among four women.  Two divorced, two not.  I am not sure how we hit on the topic, I am sure we were chatting about our significant others, but somehow the comment, “People who get divorced just give up!” hit the air.

And hung their, stagnantly, for all of us to watch levitate awkwardly.

And it was one of the previously divorced women who said it.  Thus making it more…  legitimate? Maybe?

A somewhat serious, but still attempt at a light-hearted conversation ensued.  Why do people get divorced?  Aside from the obvious reasons of infidelity or abuse or some other unacceptable issue, what could be the reasons?

The other women who had been through one just said that they could not find a middle ground and staying together was becoming toxic to her and their children. So, for their health and the happiness of their kids, they divorced.  And she felt, at least, that they were truly better off-  especially for the kids – apart.  But that the decision was not made lightly and was many, many years in the making.

I have known many a divorcee – enough to where I should have probably thought this comment not so unusual.  But of all the reasons,  they “feel out of love”, they “were different people” and some just “could not stand another moment of being with that person.”  But not one of them exhibited the typical behavior of someone who would give up?  At least in the divorces I have know about, all of them have tried.  Some for many years.  Marriage counseling, endless attempts to reconnect, help from the Church and so on were all avenues couples in distress had taken.

But what struck me the most about this entire conversation was the sentence that then followed.

“What are you going to do if you get tired of your children?  Walk out?  That is basically what you are doing when you walk out of a marriage.”

This comment stunned me to the point that here I am, several weeks later, and the only way I think I might be able to get this of my mind is to write it up.  Really?  A divorce – and we are talking one from a seemingly fine marriage with no major issues as mentioned in it – is the equivalent of walking out on your children because you are “tired” of them?

Again, the comment was made by one of the divorcees.

I am sure my mouth gaped wide open and I know I could not speak,  but the comment was passed over in the interest of saving the festivity of the night.  But it bothers me… to the point of almost tears when I think of it.  And I am not the only one that it bothered.  A few of the ladies later said they were about to explode!

Has it come to this in our society?  Where people are so opinionated and narrow minded that they make blanket statements with no regard to circumstances or others points of view?

And has hypocrisy become a way of life?  What happened to consideration, listening to the whole story, understanding and empathy?

I know many people who are happier divorced.  I know many people whose kids are happier after a divorce!  So how can it be that the parents are automatically deemed quitters and failures?

What do you think?  Is our society becoming more open or closed minded?  And is it OK to spout your opinion no matter who you are around or what you have experienced personally?

Are people too opinionated these days?

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