Three months ago my husband moved out. Two months ago, I filed papers for a divorce. One month ago, I spent any spare time in bed trying to wrap my head around the failure of my marriage. And last week, I dragged myself up, put a smile on a my face and started to refocus. And now that smile has become real.
I’ll be honest, as I try to always be with you guys, I was not going to share this life changing experience on here. The title ‘Divorce’ comes with preconceived notions, ideas and judgements…. even from people who do not realize they are passing them. Especially if you are the one who filed the papers, as I did. I was advised by half of the people I know not to share and the other half to share. But what it boils down to is that this is my life I chronicle on here. And I can not call myself an honest person and ask you guys to believe my opinions and thoughts if I do not share this major life change with you.
But the most important reason I want to share is that I am now aware that I am embarking on an entirely new kind of motherhood. The motherhood of a single mom who does not live near family, has mostly friends who work out of the home and three children 6 and under.
And it is hard. Just as motherhood was before. Sure, if I want to go to the store I have to take the kids with me. But I did that a lot anyway and now we are learning math and reading and how to pick a product off the shelf. I even let them choose a brand new fruit or vegetable they have never had before when we go. So, sure, it is hard and they still act out sometimes, but they are participating in the process and that is a life lesson I am being forced to teach. One I will be thankful they know later, I am sure.
And yes, discipline on my own is challenging. Especially when they all get going and the noise of the three challenges the sound barrier. But what I say goes, no matter what and they are learning that no one is going to swoop in and excuse their behavior. Therefore, ironically, teaching them the right way to behave and do things is actually easier. And it seems to be more effective now! In fact, they are doing so well that my confidence in taking them places and being able to handle them is growing too!
Case in point: We just got in today from a 7 day Cruise with Disney Cruise Lines! Yes, just me and the three girls on a 7 day Cruise to Mexico. I was apprehensive at first when I accepted the trip. I sometimes feel I can barely handle them here at times, how could I possibly handle all three on a boat with three stops 24/7 for 7 days? My insecure doubts that I would not be good enough, skilled enough or patient enough seeped in. But I knew that this was a once in a lifetime for them and took them anyway. Though I admit I never took them off the ship.
And I surprised myself – and I think a whole lot of other people too. Of course, it helps that the Disney Cruise Ships have free childcare, and I did use it for at least a few hours a day (not so much for a ‘break’ but because the Kids Clubs was AWESOME and that is where they wanted to go!), but I did manage to take three daughters on a 7 day Cruise without incident. We had our meals together, played together, swam in the pool daily, went to shows, stood in line for characters and more. All without melt-downs, craziness or anyone commenting about me being a bad mother. In fact, I got more comments about how good my girls were.
Which pleased me to no end, I will not lie!
But I did it. My kids are happy, I am happy and it was a great time. Sure, I wish I had done better. I wish I had taken them to more events, had the money to treat them to more things and the ability to spend one on one time with them each more, but in the end, it was a great experience for us all. And I am really glad I did it.
Like every day from here on out, I will probably always wonder if I am doing the best for my kids. If their new childhood will affect them badly or if I will be able to handle every challenge that comes my way. More than financial or physically doing for them. But emotionally and intelligently. Do I have the strength and where-with-all to raise them on the same path I had planned all along?
Maybe not…. but I won’t know until I do it. And I can’t do it unless I believe I can. And I can not believe unless I trust myself and what I know about my abilities and how I have handled motherhood so far.
So though the prospect of being able to raise them right and with love and affection once scared the living crap out of me, I have come to understand that it does not have to be so scary. I am a mom, just like a ton of women. And whether I am single, married, widowed, divorced, adoptive or something else, I am still a mom. And the unity of motherhood and what that job entails will be the basis for my parenting now just as it was before.
My Day in Motherhood might start out and end differently now. I might have a new title as a Separated or Divorced mom. But what happens in between is still as fun and exciting and stressful and wonderful as it always has been. And my three beautiful, amazing, crazy, determined girls will be just fine. As long as I am.
And I am. Better than I have been in years.
New title and all.
Find more Motherhood Posts at My Recent Writings
I’ve been through it, but not with kids. I can imagine it’s scary. But it really sounds like you’re headed in the right direction. Congrats on the successes and happiness you are sure to find!
Thank you Wendy! Your kind words and support mean so much!
Thank you for sharing – I think it is much more freeing when the truth is just put out there. I’m sure you are helping a lot of other divorced moms with your story. I didn’t realize you went on the cruise alone with the kids – kudos for you. I don’t think I would have been so brave. But, you did it… and all had a great time. You will be just fine… and you are obviously strong enough to handle anything that comes your way.
Thank you Carolyn!! I did not think I could but I did! You could too, I am sure ;)
I’ve been through it twice with 1 kid the first time and 2 the second. You can do it. Good luck and God bless you.
Thank you Linda!! You strength is amazing!!!
You will make it! I did, that was 8 years ago and I had 3 young children too, at the time. I also was recovering
from pancreatic cancer, at the time my divorce was finalized. I am now remarried and turning 50 in two months and have a daughter who will be 4 in a few days. You will have your good days and not so good days but know that you are stronger than you can imagine and that you have all of your friends and family and blog friends to lift you up.
Thank you Lisa! I can not believe how much you had to handle! Bless you and your support… it means so much!
Oh, Lori… been there, done that. You got this. I have every confidence that you do.
Thank you Kristin ;)
I recommend lots of wine and finding a babysitter. Alternatively, my daughter is starting to babysit, so MOVE CLOSER TO ME! ;)
Lori, good luck. From the posts of your family on here I can see you are a good mother. Just keep your head up and know when to ask for help. You must heal yourself as you heal the kids.
Thank you Christy! I appreciate it. I just have to keep on keeping on I suppose ;)
I think your amazing Lori. Just wanted you to know how much integrity i think you have, You are doing just fine!!!
YOur making me blush Meg and your words mean the world!
thank you for sharing. praying that God will strengthen you! it took many years for me to realize that I cannot parent without Him!!
Blessings~
Thank you Julie. I could not agree more!
Many of us have been divorced and the term divorce certainly does not hold the stigma it did years ago in our mother’s and grandmother’s generations. I learned first hand that divorce does not make you happy. It does, however, provide you with the opportunity to BE happy. It will get better. Just keep moving forward.
I agree, Jill. I do. But i am finding out who my friends are and am surprised to see how many are standing by me and and how many are not! Thank you for your support!!
It is not easy and you, yourself know that with 2 parents. But sometimes in the end it is easier with just one parent to show them that this is the correct way not have someone whom makes the children think you are wrong. I understand that very well in my own home. You as a Mom will do very well in raising your children and with God’s help, you and your girls will be taken care of. My Heart goes out to you and I am glad you shared. I will say a prayer for you and your little family for God’s healing, protection and guidance. Many blessings are coming your way even as this trip showed you.
Thank you so much Gina. I I do hope that i can remember that no matter what they are God’s children and I am just here to make sure they are raised right! Everything will hopeful work out for the best ;)
((HUGS))
Hugs to you… I haven’t been through a divorce, but I can only imagine what you are going through.
hugs to you sweetheart and I hope it gets better but sharing a trip and experiences with your girls on a Disney cruise ship is certainly a great way to bond a family closer together. Hugs
Huge hugs, girlie — I don’t know what it all is like but the strength you show in this post is amazing.
I had no idea Lori! I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are a great mom.
I’m in the same situation you are, hun. 3 boys, working on a divorce. I’m here to listen anytime! @toomuchaubrey on twitter. xoxo
I’ve been there, and it is scary, but my kids are now grown, and respectful productive members of society! I am proud of them, and my having been a single Mom has led us to many awesome memories, that I know we wouldn’t have had I been married! Embrace life, cherish these memories. One year we had no money for a Christmas tree, I put lights on the rocking chair and gifts in the chair, we still all laugh at “the Christmas chair”!
As I keep saying, we need to get together. I am going through the same thing and know we can help each other out. Been thinking about you.
Thank you for sharing your story! I also have three children and I am divorced. I do not get any help from my ex and the process of getting that help has become fantastic lesson for me into really solidifying my independent experience. Things will change and you need to prepare yourself for that. In fact, your friends will change. You may not want to believe it, but it is true because some people can’t deal with it. Your best bet is to see a therapist and then second is to rediscover yourself apart from being just a parent. I wrote an article about finding friends and rediscovering yourself. http://www.examiner.com/article/divorced-and-friendless-top-7-ways-to-make-friends-dallas While this is tailored towards Dallas, some of it is applicable to all.
Thank you for sharing!! I too am learning the ways of being a newly single mom. We separated in July (together for 10yrs), my 2 girls(ages 6 & 9) and I moved out in Sept, planning on filing very soon. My 9 yr old is now starting to go thru separation issues. But all in all, us girls are every happy, happier then we have been.
You go girl! This is your life and you do what you need to. I was a single mom of 4 and still am 6 yrs later. I live in MN and my family lives in VA. All I had were friends from church. They definitely helped out, but I tried not asking, too. It’s just too hard to ask sometimes. I definitely had moments where I was overwhelmed. It becomes a new normal. I could definitely use some Disney…not a cruise, but the World kind. =)
Congratulations Lori! I know that sounds strange, but having recently started getting a divorce myself – also with 3 kids in tow – that’s how I feel. Mine also started about 3 months ago – we can do this! I’m here and right in the trenches if you ever want someone to talk to…