I have aged. Considerably, I would say, since having children.
Well, since having two children.
Well, really, since staying home with three children we thought it brilliant to have all in a row. As if they were ducks that needed alignment for our merriment.
Children that are all girls because God loves us so much he thought it necessary to entertain himself by watching us try to handle this over the next 18 years or so. He has a robust sense of humor, that One.
Needless to say, before late nights, all nighters, early mornings, defunct nap times, spit up shirts, pooped on shorts, peed on pants, and broken necklaces, I was kinda, sorta, a lot of a hottie. Really, I was! Don’t laugh!
Lately, I have been wondering what it would take for me to finally be on the cover of People Magazine with the caption “Can You Believe She’s 40!?!” under my well taken care of face. Obviously, the first step is to get famous. I consider that the easy part… surely my discovery is right around the corner. Should I ever be able to leave the house with three demanding princesses to actually look around the corner!
Anyway, I have decided to research what it would take to get me back into fighting, everyone is jealous cause they see me walking by and I look so good, form. I feel that the most comprehensive, educational, enthralling way to do this is to watch a butt load of commercials. I know, I know – commercials about beauty products are hard to find on TV, especially if watching Lifetime, but I am willing to sacrifice through the car commercials, notice of Oprah’s new network, and Outback commercials *drool*, in order to become educated.
So, after extensive, butt flattening research, here is what I have come up with.
In order to upkeep a mom, I have to tend to my head, my toes, and every part in between.
I have to lose weight, lift weights, and shake a weight. I have to Zumba, pole dance, belly dance, and shimmy. I have to join Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, and the Special K diet. Add to that Lap Band surgery, Liposuction, and a tummy tuck for a bargain price and I will have the waist line wittled – cut – to perfections in 6 – 9 months. If I had the money. Which I don’t. But I digress.
Now that I am thin, I can deal with my other issues.
I should cut my hair every 6 weeks. Condition it every other day. Blow dry it with a state of the art, non hair damaging, ionic, but with a prettily patterned hairdryer. Chi it to straight and shiny locks, use some revolutionary spiny thing to get a perfect curl, and then mouse it, gel it, fluff it, and decorate it with headbands, jewels, barrettes, or Topsy Tails. What? They still make those!
On my face, I have to exfoliate, hydrate, radiate, and micro scrub to a youthful layer – apparently 75 layers deep. I have to freshen it up, make it up, firm it up, and lift it up – with a surgery now at an all new low price. If I go to Mexico.
I need a manicure, pedicure, Ped Egg, Heel Balm – or whatever that weird stick of stuff that lady uses on her heel – nail polish, hand massage, and paraffin wax. I need to use lotions, with SPF, with no toxic chemicals, no artificial sweeteners – oh wait, sorry, there was a food commercial on – no artificial colors, that are not greasy or oily. And I need the whole line of them for my face, hands, legs, body, and elbows – or anywhere else thick, hard skin has developed. Too bad I can’t use it on my husband’s head!
I have to shave every day, shower every day, brush my teeth every day – oh and floss, and rinse, and whiten, and don’t let them fall out – wear deodorant every day, your welcome, and take time for myself everyday. To do Yoga. And meditate. And drink energy smoothies that taste like dirt.
Oh never mind. Who am I kidding. People can just air brush me! This mom upkeep us exhausting!
Someone hand me the frozen yogurt.