I have aged. Considerably, I would say, since having children.
Well, since having two children.
Well, really, since staying home with three children we thought it brilliant to have all in a row. As if they were ducks that needed alignment for our merriment.
Children that are all girls because God loves us so much he thought it necessary to entertain himself by watching us try to handle this over the next 18 years or so. He has a robust sense of humor, that One.
Needless to say, before late nights, all nighters, early mornings, defunct nap times, spit up shirts, pooped on shorts, peed on pants, and broken necklaces, I was kinda, sorta, a lot of a hottie. Really, I was! Don’t laugh!
Lately, I have been wondering what it would take for me to finally be on the cover of People Magazine with the caption “Can You Believe She’s 40!?!” under my well taken care of face. Obviously, the first step is to get famous. I consider that the easy part… surely my discovery is right around the corner. Should I ever be able to leave the house with three demanding princesses to actually look around the corner!
Anyway, I have decided to research what it would take to get me back into fighting, everyone is jealous cause they see me walking by and I look so good, form. I feel that the most comprehensive, educational, enthralling way to do this is to watch a butt load of commercials. I know, I know – commercials about beauty products are hard to find on TV, especially if watching Lifetime, but I am willing to sacrifice through the car commercials, notice of Oprah’s new network, and Outback commercials *drool*, in order to become educated.
So, after extensive, butt flattening research, here is what I have come up with.
In order to upkeep a mom, I have to tend to my head, my toes, and every part in between.
I have to lose weight, lift weights, and shake a weight. I have to Zumba, pole dance, belly dance, and shimmy. I have to join Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, and the Special K diet. Add to that Lap Band surgery, Liposuction, and a tummy tuck for a bargain price and I will have the waist line wittled – cut – to perfections in 6 – 9 months. If I had the money. Which I don’t. But I digress.
Now that I am thin, I can deal with my other issues.
I should cut my hair every 6 weeks. Condition it every other day. Blow dry it with a state of the art, non hair damaging, ionic, but with a prettily patterned hairdryer. Chi it to straight and shiny locks, use some revolutionary spiny thing to get a perfect curl, and then mouse it, gel it, fluff it, and decorate it with headbands, jewels, barrettes, or Topsy Tails. What? They still make those!
On my face, I have to exfoliate, hydrate, radiate, and micro scrub to a youthful layer – apparently 75 layers deep. I have to freshen it up, make it up, firm it up, and lift it up – with a surgery now at an all new low price. If I go to Mexico.
I need a manicure, pedicure, Ped Egg, Heel Balm – or whatever that weird stick of stuff that lady uses on her heel – nail polish, hand massage, and paraffin wax. I need to use lotions, with SPF, with no toxic chemicals, no artificial sweeteners – oh wait, sorry, there was a food commercial on – no artificial colors, that are not greasy or oily. And I need the whole line of them for my face, hands, legs, body, and elbows – or anywhere else thick, hard skin has developed. Too bad I can’t use it on my husband’s head!
I have to shave every day, shower every day, brush my teeth every day – oh and floss, and rinse, and whiten, and don’t let them fall out – wear deodorant every day, your welcome, and take time for myself everyday. To do Yoga. And meditate. And drink energy smoothies that taste like dirt.
Oh never mind. Who am I kidding. People can just air brush me! This mom upkeep us exhausting!
Someone hand me the frozen yogurt.
Thanks.
That cracked me up!!! Thanks for a morning smile and making me feel better about the fact that I was too tired to even brush my hair this morning!
http://orbfactory.blogspot.com/
PS: Sticky Princess – I LOVE your stuff!! ;)
Some days I think all we can hope for is the teeth brushing! Well, and the Shake Weight, because who doesn't Shake Weight every day?
the only shake weight i do is when my weight shakes! lol, i just told my husband last night that i need laser hair removal because it's the only way my legs will ever be hair-free! just sayin'.
Hi, I stumbled upon your lovely blog and following it. I am also inviting you to add this at http://olahmomma.com/momlounge – a mommy blogger directory and more, where you can also meet more mom bloggers like you and get connected with them by visiting your profile after registration.
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Why is personal hygiene so hard when your a mom? Back in the day I would NEVER leave the house without make-up. Now I thank God each day that I can brush my teeth! Following you form the mid-week mingle come and visit http://www.classifiedmom.com when you have a moment!
Thank you Olahmomma for telling me aout your network! I am headed over there after I get back from getting my kiddos from pre-school! I can not wait! ;)
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Aimee – I ust don't get it! What is it about becoming a mother that takes our ability to properly care for ourselves? I am headed to see you shortly!
SO excited to have you all here!
Thanks for putting into perspective how hard it is for moms to look like they don't have kids to take care of too :)
The shake weight just makes me laugh when I see it!
Lori,
Hi, following from MidWeek Mingle. Hope you return the favor!
oh, phooey- that reminds me.. I am WAY past time for a haircut. Split-End CITY! maybe by Nid March, I'll get to it.
I has 3 in 3 years. Those first 8 years I was a complete ZOMBIE! they are 14,16,17 now. I still feel like a zombie some days.
Stopping by from the Mingle & voting for your blog since I saw your vote buttons while here.
Thank you Kimberly'! Headed to yours now!
Thanks for following me on blogfrog! I love you sense of humor you had me cracking up! I don't have children but I can totally relate to what you said in this post anyway. Its hard for any woman to keep up as she gets older. Gone are the days when i would spend huge amounts of cash on make-up and hair supplies. Now my cash goes to wonderful things like insurance, and bills, and rent.
Thanks for the BlogFrog follow! I absolutely love your post! I have pretty much come up with the same thing after all those late night commercials. I hit the big 4-0 this summer, I have 4 sons and a soldier husband that is deployed every other year. All this means,… who has time for the upkeep? And, hello! Soldier's wife,… not exactly a high paying job to AFFORD the upkeep!! :)
Great blog!
I have a friend that works out daily..I'm always asking her..How in the heck do you find the time to work out everyday?? Sometimes i can't even find the time to shower daily!