Today I actually thought to myself that it might benefit my children more for me to go back to work and hire a nanny or send them to daycare. I really think they would like that better! Especially after today, which was one of my worse performances as a mother to date. There will be no Golden Globe nominations, not red carpet dress for Oscar, and no people who would choose me for a glass statuette.
Take a very tired mother and mix her with very tired, unruly, high maintenance kids and we have mayhem. There is yelling, screaming, threats, punishments, time outs, and just basic mass destruction. It was bad.
And I feel like I have no one to blame but myself. That because I have not been a good enough disciplinarian, parent, and teacher, my children have – even at their young ages- figured out that my instruction is obsolete, my requests are optional, and my promises to punish are defunct.
There is no joy in this parenting for me today! No pats on the back or accolade receiving behavior. There was just bad, frustrating, losing my cool, maybe even the neighbors heard me yelling, despicable bossiness! And I am ashamed of it. That I could not keep my wits about me and outsmart or creatively parent three very young children. I let them get to me. And I know better. Or at least I wish better!
This is not how I thought it would be, you know? This constant back and forth tug of war of wills. Not at this age. Not during the precious years. When they grow too fast and grasping onto every single memory is important. I don’t want these memories! These bad days shadowing the really great ones! And most importantly, I do not want my children remembering their mother this way. How scared they must be to have me towering over them, wagging my finger in their face, screaming, “Go to your room… NOW!”
In honesty, I don’t think I did anything any other mother does not fall victim to when things are out of hand and there is no one around to help absorb the blows of constant, never ending demands and frustrations of parenting. And with my husband out of town, there was no rescue right around the corner, pushing me to stay calm and in tact until help arrived. But I am the one who is supposed to be in control and losing it should just not be an option.
So, I take this day and file it in my “I never want to live a day like that again” file and try to take note of my triggers and limitations. And I will hunt through the bad memories and amplify the good ones. A laughing breakfast, a day of play outside, and my children happy and running in the yard while I pretend to read a book, but really drink in their beauty.
And try to remember that this is the joy of parenting… the good, the bad, and the lessons learned!
I have had those days. More than one unfortunately. The last time it was really, really bad, my husband had been working a lot and then went out of town for the weekend. I actually cried in church that weekend because I felt so bad about it. I was sitting there thinking “Thank God that He forgives me.”. One thing to think about. . . I was talking to my mom about yelling at the kids and having bad days. She asked me “Don’t you remember how I used to yell at you girls?”. And I told her “No”. Because I don’t remember. I only remember the good times that we had and the good about my mother. So, hopefully our kids will only remember the good stuff too!
That makes me feel better, actually. I want to be the kind of mother they remember as loving and there for them. I don’t want their childhood memories to be of me losing it on them!!! Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment! ;)
Lori, There is not a word in there that I can’t relate to. I remember the first time I told my girls that Mommy needed a time out. Wow, what did Mommy do?!
I started out with 3 girls (2 years apart) and now I have 5 total which includes a 2 year old boy.
Now I have days where I want to lock myself in my room with the 2 year old because the teens are fighting (just that constant bickering back and forth)…and of course I am what my husband refers to as a candy ass when it comes to punishments so they don’t always respond in the desired way.
Those moments you cherish never stop…on the way home from dress shopping today, one of my twins pretended to be annoyed that she had to sit up front in the middle between her daddy and I, all the time she was cuddling with me. It was a moment I will cherish (difference is I will get in trouble if I mention it to anyone she knows, lol).
So the bad news is that it doesn’t neccessarily get better as they get older, but the good news is that you still get those cherished moments and sweet little girl cuddles. So it all balances out.
Thank you Heather! I am so glad to know that the good stuff does not end. Because I fear the bad later! LOL I suppose, in the end, that we all are just trying to get through it and none of us have it totally right all the time! Thank you for reading and commenting!
Thanks so much for sharing this. I have little ones too and have felt this way for the past month! I never imagined I would let my children overwhelm me either, but I think they like to gang up on me:) Starting fresh tomorrow. Don’t be so hard on yourself–almost anyone would have some bad days with 3 spirited kids and a missing husband. I’ll bet your a great mom!
Aww – Thank you Janae! That is so kind of you! When I sit down at night, I don;t like thinking that I yelled at them all day, so it can be hard. But I do try my hardest to be the best I can be!
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