I am angry these days. About a myriad of things. Life choices that I voluntarily made that are blowing up in my face, mainly.
And a lot of things that are frankly, out of my control, secondarily.
I can not seem to shake it. I may even be teetering on my worst bout of depression yet.
I have shut out friends, family, and activities in reaction to my anger. Which only fuels loneliness, really, but somehow makes me feel better anyway. I certainly do not want my friends being brought down by my mood and my negative attitude. That would just add to my anxiety.
I could go into my reasoning and irrational thoughts that are fueling my anger but then this would be a 50 part series and all of your would run looking for a less whiny, more positive blog to read every day and then I would have one more thing to be angry with myself for!
Nobody wants that!
But since I know I can not be the only mother in America to experience a rough time and still have to be an upbeat, happy, Lori on the spot parent, I thought I would at least write about something I DO have control over but am seeming to fail at miserably during this emotional time for me.
Parenting through my anger.
Possibly the hardest thing I have done in my lifetime. Trying to keep a smile on my face, a rational head on my shoulders, and a fair viewpoint when one of the things I am angry about is my lack of ability to parent my kids in the way I think I should be.
And still trying not to be too hard on myself, as well.
Hard.Hard.Hard.
Impossible!
And since I know that some of my anger is from sources not relevant to my children, I have an even harder time trying to separate the two and not take it out on them.
I am not crazy, I don’t abuse them in any way by any means… if anything, as others have told me, I am not hard enough on them, but I think – personally – that my fuse is a lot shorter these days than it used to be.
Case in point.
We were headed home from an event over the weekend and Katie would not stop screaming in the car. She was – at the top of her lungs- yelling “NOO NOO NOO” in a mean, angry voice. I told her time and time again to cool it.
She did not.
Feeling rage over yet another situation proving that my children never listen to me, I told her that if she did not stop it, I was pulling over on the side of the road – at 9:30pm, and leaving her there.
She did not stop.
My face was red, I know it was, my blood boiling, and my creative juices zapped as I slammed on my breaks and pulled into a parking lot! I was alllll done!
I opened the door and reached to undo her car seat. She was screaming. Clearly scared she was begging me not to leave her on the side of the road. Torn between rational thought and anger that was too over the top for that situation, in my opinion, it took my husband telling me that she got the message for me to stop trying to get her out of her seat.
I took a deep breath, retracketed and drove my family home. With a very scared, shaken 4 year old in the back seat.
And I was very angry with myself.
She’s 4 and the fact that I put that fear in her because I could not rationally make adult decisions about parenting tore at my very soul.
So I ask… how am I supposed to parent when something with me is not quite right? If I am angry, lonely, sad, depressed, and despondent, how do I leave that part to the side and tackle parenting like a parent… instead of a tyrant instilling fear in innocent kids?
How do I control my knee jerk reaction to send someone to time out or their rooms or throw a toy in the trash instantly, instead of trying alternatives first?
And how can I expect them to respect me if I can not even respect myself?
Like I said… this is the hardest thing I have had to so to date… parenting through anger.
Brave to share – hug to you – and I don’t know, lots of deep breaths. It will be okay – you know things you SHOULD be doing. That is important.
Thank you Lisa- I don’t know how brave I am but I am hoping that I am not the only mom out there who has had to deal with similar emotions and still faced with respectful parenting of her kids! At least I hope not! LOL I love my kids and want to be fair to them, you know?
I wish I had some words of advice for you, but I don’t know. I wonder if any Mom truly knows how to fully parent through and despite their emotions. I think it is a battle we all deal with day in and day out.
I pray that you can find peace about those things in your life that are causing your anger and depression, and I hope that you can find joy in your children.
No matter what, don’t start thinking you’re a bad mom. You’re not. You’re a real mom. And an honest mom. And a good mom.
Thank you Laura!! I am trying not to be too hard on myself but when emotions run rampant, I am the first I blame. I suppose it is the woman in me… trained to take it all on and be responsible for it!
Amazingly, though I feared the wrath, this post has lifted my spirits and caused me some serious reality checking!
I am glad I wrote it!
I get it – totally get it. I have clinical depression – have for 16 years. I also have a spinal injury that leaves me in chronic pain with limited mobility and the pain medication cut my short fuse in half – thankfully this just happened 2 years ago. My son has severe ADHD and so he can really be grating, plus because of how his mind works he takes things to heart and he will hit himself, pinch himself, bang his head against the wall and other ickiness that just makes me so mad because I can’t take it away from him!!! Add my 2.5 year old daughter in there and some days I find myself screaming like a crazy lady.
What helps is taking mom time outs. I know these things my kids do are not to be horrible to me. I know they do them to test limits, to hear their own voice, to just be normal kids. I have to show them I am serious without putting fear in them. When I take that time to regroup, they know its serious. I will say “I’m really mad right now, I need to go think about this for a minute and then we will get to your punishment” and I will go to my room, or pull over and get myself out of the car, or do anything I can to be alone for a minute or two (I have been known to go back to the car and put them in their seats when we’re out because I’m a single mom and I never have back up). When I’m alone I will do some anxiety exercises (because my mad IS anxiety at the end of the day) like deep breathing and thinking through the situation as it happened and NOT as it made me feel.
Parenting is no joke, its hard for a person with NO depression. A huge percentage of Americans suffer with depression, a huge percentage are also moms. A lot of moms never get help for PPD because they never had someone tell them its ok to get help. So those PPD moms become chronically depressed moms and frankly, we all need to talk about it more. Depression is the dirty mom secret, we don’t want to admit we need help or we have a problem because we’re supposed to be the ones handling the whole world and even if we admitted it, we don’t make time for ourselves to get any help or to reseach our own problems.
Thank you for admitting you’re not super mom and that you do have flaws and sometimes you’re not perfect. Most of us are too afraid of the backlash to do that, too afraid of being judged by other moms.
As a person who has also fought depression since I was 12, I too think it is way underdiagnosed and has an unfair stigma attached. One can help the chemicals in their brain as well as they can help their height. Unfortunately, a lot of moms suffer in silence as well.
I am in no way a super mom and do not even aspire to be one. The aim at perfections leads to sure failure. I am sure I am being judged but I bet the backlash won’t be as harsh as I can possibly be on myself at times.
Let me tell you, writing this post and reading the comments has lifted a rock or two off of my shoulders. I hope people know that sometimes, just admitting your fears and weaknesses can make you stronger!
Thank you for reading and commenting!
I totally get you. When my daughter was younger, I was fine, but now that she is 14, I often feel I cannot DO this. My lack of trust, my intense dislike of people who did not endure what I did as a child, is all crowding my ability to see her clearly.
As she gets older and turns into a “person” I am finding it harder and harder to trust or care….and I have never struck her, called her names, not provided her with what she needs and most of what she wants.
I just am not a people person and she now seems like a “people” to me.
Many, many hugs DA! I am always here if you want to talk. Mine are young but no matter, we are all mothers. Thank you for reading and commenting! I am scared of the teenage years because I know that I lost touch with my mother during that time and I do not want the same with my girls… though it may be inevitable to a degree…
Many prayers your way… many!
I’m bipolar so we are on a constant roller coaster. I by far am not a perfect parent but I may have an idea that will help you and your children. I don’t know how to help the depression, anger, loneliness unless you’d like to call and ear willing to listen and not judge. As for the parenting, how about when you are in a rational moment, making a behavior chart. First offense, this, second offense, this…yada yada…you get my drift right. Then when they misbehave you have a chart to fall back on instead of a knee jerk reaction and they will always know what to expect. Just a thought.
Thank you Melissa! I actually had one and it kind of got away from me! I need to do another now that they are old enough to understand! And yes – that would really help with the knee jerk reactions! Thank you so much!
Oh Lori I have no advice on parenting but I do suffer from major depression and anxiety. Have you considered getting a therapist for yourself? It is something you can do for you. It is 45 minutes a week where someone sits down and listens to you talk, understands you and can focus on you. I know it is tough for you to get a moment to yourself with those babies but I also know you are a great mother who cares very deeply how she is mothering her kids. I hope my suggestion does not insult you in any way there is only love and good wishes in my thoughts for you and I think it could really help you with your anger/depression and anxiety. I will say a prayer for you and I hope you are feeling better after getting it out!
Also I featured you in a favorite blogs post today! It will be up in just a few minutes!
Rachel – I would LOVE to go to a therapist. I actually have a wonderful one I saw for many years before children hampered my ability to go and to continue to pay for it. But I am seriously considering finding one closer to my home and just taking the girls.
I want to be a good, consistent, caring mother. Surely if I work hard enough on myself, I can at least get close! ;)
Thank you for your post and for being real. These are things not a lot of moms share, but deal with. It is hard to keep cool through struggles, especially when feeling like they never listen. Praying in the moment helps me, but continues to be challenging. Hang in there! You are not alone.
Thank you Becky! Your support means the world to me… it really does!
so i’m crying. and really, i don’t have to say anything else, because you know why. can i just copy your post to my blog (minus the specific incident)? it’s exactly my thoughts. hugging you!
Brynn – I commented but I do not know where it went!
Yes, feel free to share this on your page. I know you are having a rough time and I am glad I can be the voice too. Read through the comments. They are so helpful!
Much love hon…
I think every mom at some point or another has been through what you so bravely shared. I, for one, have sometimes lost it with my kids and resorted to tyrannical yelling, anger, and harsh words. One thing that worked for me is to recognize when I was at that boiling point and close to a knee jerk reaction, it meant I didn’t have enough parenting tools to draw from to react any better. I tried to widen the tools I have for coping and parenting through situations like that by reading all I could and seeing what worked and what didn’t. Hang in there, the more tools you can draw from, the better.
Thank you Kim! I agree – the more tools you have the more option you have in times of high stress. I am just so lucky to have my wonderful readers as my very best tools! Thank you!
I haven’t experienced this yet though I have no doubt I will in the future. I am a new mommy to a 9 week old and I suffer from depression. One of my best friends suffers from depression (bipolar) and has four babies 5, 4, 3, & 2. I know when she gets really really angry and doesn’t want to get angry at the kids and over react she sings. Row row row your boat or some other song. She sings it as loud as she can (usually to drown out the kids) and she sings for a few minutes.. it calms her down then she can think straight. I don’t know if that helps at all? but its a thought?
That is a great idea!! I may try that!
CONGRATS on your new baby!!
You even scared me……but yes, parenting is not an easy job. We didnt get a manual when we signed up…..but it does sound like you need some “ME” time. I was a stay at home mom with 5 children (in 7 years)…..and there were times when hubby walked into the house and I walked out – just to window shop for an hour to clear my mind….I always remembered that when I was at my wit’s end….to stop, think and clear my mind…..breathe….the incident in the car….instead of scaring your 4 year old….I would have stopped the car, gotten out and walked away from the car even if only 10 minutes….tell your child you are leaving because her screaming is upsetting you..and you will return when she stops. .I can’t guarantee she would have stopped but you would have felt better. Mommies need a break from their kids; and kids need a break from mom….and keep reaching out for answers. (I like Nicole’s answer!)
Well that would have been a much better solution! LOL But that is where I have to overcome and pursue options. Unfortunately that night, my anger over other things spilled into my ability to make the right decision. I regret it but can only use it as a lesson.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Definitely been there. Did it once on the side of the freeway, and once at a Shell station. I actually started to drive away. Even after treatment for depression, including medication and therapy, I still struggle to act like a parent instead of going with my first reaction. It’s hard. Parenting is hard. With each parent and each child being unique what works for me may not work for you. I take lots of deep breaths and when I want to shove a child out of the car, throw a toy in the trash, or yell, I give myself a time out. I walk away until I can control myself. As hard as it is to ignore the yelling and the bad behavior of our children, ignoring the bad behavior and acknowledging the good is typically what works.
I should mention that I’m a behavioral therapist. That’s irony right there. A behavioral therapist that can’t get her own child to “behave”. Oy.
You can do it.
LOL!! A behavior therapist?!? WOW!! Then what hope do I have?!? LOL
It is sooooo hard to remember to walk away… especially when they follow you! But since writing this post and reading all of the wonderful suggestions, I am certainly going to give a lot of what is said here the old college try! Thank you for reading and commenting!
I have often said, parenting is the hardest thing you will ever do. We all lose it from time to time. You need to find a way to relieve stress. Maybe meditation, yoga, putting on your ipod and listening to music as loud as you can or going into the bathroom and screaming until you are exhausted, but you need some kind of outlet. Remember the past is the past and there isn’t any way to change anything now, so take each moment as it comes. Make decisions to the best of your ablilty at any given moment, and that is all we can ask for.
Thank you Michelle! I like the screaming in the bathroom one!! I agree that the past is the past and I can only better myself by bettering my future! Blogging has become sort of my outlet but I think I need something else too…
Thank you so much for reading and commenting!
I can SO identify with you. I’m doing better now, but well, that may be thanks to some medication. It is REALLY hard. For a while, it was like I was going around with this angry feeling inside me, ALL THE TIME, and any little thing could set it off. And I really had NO idea what put that angry feeling in me. Sure, I was exhausted, getting frustrated with the kids, but it just seemed like way more than the situation would warrant. So I finally sought help, and I am SO glad I did. Things aren’t perfect, but I am handling things much better now.
Wow. I have sOoooooooo been where you are in this post. Like many who have already commented, I too deal with depression/anxiety and take meds for it…..but putting parenting into that mix has been really, really hard. I won’t suggest anything as it looks like there are lots of great suggestions up there – but just know that you are definitely NOT the only mother who feels this way, and deals with anger (I have dealt with anger about several things for many years) about various things. Parenting is just, well, it is one of the hardest jobs around. Hang in there, and definitely keep sharing your honest thoughts here on your blog – as you’ve seen, there are lots of out here supporting you!!
J, visiting through Rachel’s blog :-)
Hey! I’m at work surfing around your blog from my new iphone 3gs! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts! Carry on the excellent work!
Thank you so much!! I am headed to your blog and am sure I will have the same sentiment after reading about Autism there!