I wrote about this a while back... that my oldest dog is on the last days of her life. Well, the decision has been made that tomorrow morning, she will take her last earthly breaths.
I am not sure why it suddenly dawned on me this weekend that this week would be it. Maybe it was God putting His hands on my shoulders and letting me know that He is there to accept her into His kingdom as the playful, happy puppy she used to be. Maybe He was telling me that, even though it is a hard decision to make, He knows that I would rather remember her as a service dog years ago, than this hungry, unable to eat, deaf, shell of a dog she has become.
Maybe it is just time. To be an adult and be selfless. Give her peace, even if it causes me pain.
In loving something so deeply and purely, I knew, I would add to my pain and distraught when she had to go. When she got rat bait poisoning at age 2 and my dear friend, Jennifer and I sat in the Animal Emergency room crying while they struggled to save her, I knew I would face it again one day. When I thought I had lost her when she got out the back gate and my 2 dear friends Laura and Heather drove over to help me scour the neighborhood to find her, I had a glimpse of life without her. And it hurt.
But the day I brought her home, a 5 pound, wiggly, nothing but ears, with soft fur and sharp nails, sweet love, I knew that she was a temporary friend. I would maybe have her 16 years, and then after the congenital heart disease diagnosis, 14, but, in the end, she will make it one week shy of her 12th birthday.
She is the last of what I have of before. Before the husband, the kids, and the other dogs. My last stronghold to my single years. My last representation of the days that got me here. Her departure takes with it precious memories that the sound of her bark, or the yips in her dreams, bring back fondly.
I pet her now, feeling every bone that used to be hidden under fat, feeling that her fur is thinner, remembering when it was thick and absorbed my tears of sadness and smothered my squeals of laughter. Her ears, that she finally grew into, no longer hear, and her eyes that used to track a ball like a laser, no longer see. And her heart beats slower and misses a few beats.
She has been mine. My love, my happiness, my confidant. My best friend, my snuggler, my refuge. My supporter, my forgiver, my reason to get up and go. My smile inducer, my furry daughter, my sweet pup.
And now, as a thank you to her of almost 12 years of unconditional love, tail wags, sloppy kisses, and warm hugs, I send her to be an angel. A real one.
Not just a dog playing one on Earth.
I'm at the same point with my 12 yr old pre marriage and kids dog who also got into rat poison as a puppy and spent the night throwing up black blood but he made it. Now he's going blind and deaf and I know that the day will be here soon. Praying for you and your family tomorrow.
Hugs to you. Very sweet and very sad.
So sorry about your sweet dog.
So sorry!!! I know that you will miss her.
Oh honey, I know the pain and I am so sorry. Know that she loves you and knows you love her.
Cherish the memories….we love you guys!
I'm usually not sentimental, but I'm feeling so sorry about your dog. What a lovely pair you obviously were.
I know how hard it is to lose a dog that has been a friend for a long time. I had my first dog for the first 13 years of my life and it was very very hard to lose him. Beautiful post.
Thank you all so much. After I wrote and posted this, I couldn't really come back… needed a sec! Your words are amazing! Thank you so much!
I know how rough it is to lose a pet. They are family members, after all. I like to think of my pets (that have gone before me) as waiting for me patiently. I kind of think we'll get to see them again some day. (it's just what I think ::shrug:: it's not written anywhere… I just FEEL it.)
I'll be thinking about you as you go through this. And I will send love.
So sorry about your pup. It's so awful losing an animal. Sending good thoughts and prayers to your family…
Oh you made me cry. I dread the day I have to make this decision for my precious fur-baby. I will say a little prayer for you…
Oh Lori, I'm so sorry for your loss. Beautiful post. My thoughts will be with you and your family tomorrow. xoxo
I am sad for your loss. I am happy that you had many years with her and that you both gave comfort to each other. Truly, a loss. I'm sorry.
I am sorry for the loss of your beloved pup. Your post made me cry, and remember all of my fur babies that are waiting for me in Heaven. I swear each time that I will never love another, but they melt me every time…
i'm so sorry, lori. it's so very hard. i had my siamese cat for 18 years…more than half of my life. i grieved for a long time. i know the pain you feel, and i'm sending hugs. try to be strong, and i will pray for peace.
Oh, Lori. I am so sorry for your loss. My Dakoda passed a couple of years ago and even still when I think about him or read a post like yours I cry.
He was my last link to who I was before my family too. Then there was guilt because where once he was the center of my world, I neglected him once the kids came, but through it all he loved me and was so happy for just the smallest touch.
It is tough and so far I haven't figured out when it gets easier. Bless her for being such a good dog and when the time comes this morning, please hold her head and tell her over and over – Good Dog as she is released from her pain. You know they love to hear that…
Thank you all so very much for your kind comments. She passed this morning peacefully and I now know it was really her time. God Bless you all for taking the time to share your thoughts and prayers. It means so much to me and solidifies the knowledge that I, truly, have the best readers out there!
Nothing that I can say will help ease the pain of losing your fur baby. It is terrible to let them go but it is for the better. Warm hugs.
Just blogging around and found your blog. Loosing a pet is like loosing a member of your family.
But life will go on, and tine heals us all. Sorry for your loss. Thanks for letting me visit.
Wow! I am in tears. I know the feeling as my parents basset died last year. He was there with me for so much and I went off and got married and moved away from him. My son was able to get to know him too and it is a hard thing to lose them. My thoughts are with you and your sweet pup. :)
May 1st would have been Cappy’s 12th birthday. Almost two years ago my parents (with strong opinions from an otherwise not-involved-in-this-decision) sister decided it was his time. After his tenth birthday, he immediately took a bad turn. Being a cocker spaniel, we naturally thought we’d have 13+ years with him. Even though I didn’t agree with the decision (or that knowing I didn’t agree they almost didn’t tell me and I almost missed getting a chance to say goodbye) I was the one who had to hold him when the time came. The only one who could comfort him as he left us. I still miss him dearly (and am crying as I write this).
Oh honey,I know it is so hard! Much love and hugs during this difficult time! ((HUGS))