The other night, my husband and I had a conversation, we’ll say, about what I do around here and how he thinks I can do it better. He had a myriad of questions for me with solutions that in no way, would ever work in this house. Instead of being aggravated with him, you know, because I am going to his office later this week and telling him how to work more efficiently, I decided to listen to his delusions and nod agreeably and then roll my eyes behind his back.
I did find it interesting, however, that he thinks things can be scheduled, planned, completed and done in an orderly fashion. Let us not forget that he has had all three kids alone for longer than one hour a total of once in his lifetime. And at that time, two were asleep. So… he is defiantly the expert when it comes to advice on how to handle a household while raising three small drama queens.
But, in the interest of being open minded and proving him wrong – lest I get a pedicure out of it – I decided to attempt some of his very well thought out, reasonable, easy solutions to my issues with the kids… and the house… and the dogs…. and myself.
We’ll start with the thing that he says should be the absolute easiest to accomplish every day without fail. My getting a shower. By far, it is truly in my best interest, as well as friends and family, that I get a shower every day. Showers are refreshing and help me start the day with a bounce and air of cleanliness. To be honest, though, they require an enormous amount of effort on my account and getting one with the kids awake is virtually impossible!
His suggestion was that I sit the children in front of their favorite show and get a quick shower every day.
Ok honey, here we go. I ask the girls what show they want to watch. Dora. Wubzzy. Da. Now, unless I have the desire to set up three children in front of three televisions, pray that those particular shows are on right now, and if not, search the DVD’s to find said show, I already have a problem. I could just put on whatever is on and pray that all three choose to stop fighting long enough to get interested in it collectively, but that is a long shot and rarely happens. Hence why our TV is off a lot lately. Add to that that the one year old could care less about watching her beloved “Da” on TV and I am already an hour into trying to take a shower.
The next solution to this precarious problem is to shower with the girls. Do I even need to get into why that is such a brilliant idea right now? Or can we all figure it out for ourselves? Let’s see. Lori and three children in a shower. Lori trying to get clean while also wrangling three kids who all want to have a cup, fight over a cup, throw a cup, beg for more cups. Assuming I actually get clean with baby shampoo – adult shampoo won’t work, it might fall into their eyes – I then have the pleasure of either a) letting them all stay in the shower until the entire neighborhood is out of hot water or b) having them kick and scream for an hour because I dragged them out of the shower before they were all wrinkly and prunny.
Since I now have to clean up spilled cereal, banana and water, change a diaper, a pair of panties and help another get dresses, I think I’ll have to try to get a shower another time.
The next topic of discussion is the cleanliness of the house. The fact that before we had children, shoot, even after we had one child and an infant, there was not a speck of dirt in my house. My laundry, dishes and toilets were always done and I never had any problems finding time to dust. Even when I worked full time, the house was clean. Because back then, he helped me you see. Oh, he helps me now… by solving my cleanliness challenged ways.
His first suggestion was to let the kids trash the house in the mornings and then at about 2 or 3 in the afternoon, sit them in front of a movie and clean the house so that when he comes home, it is all put back together.
I feel sorry for the man so I really tried – hard – to hide the laughter that threatened to escape from the core of my being. Besides the fact that my children, as previously mentioned, would not ever agree on one movie, nor the fact that the baby does not care about a movie, let’s just analyze his rational.
Let the kids trash the house and then, automatically, at 2pm, they will stop playing with their toys, books and colors and sit, silently, in front of a movie and, for the rest of the day – or at least the next 5 or 6 hours, until my husband gets home, they will not touch another item. And for my magical efforts, that would have to include my drugging them, he gets to come home to a clean house so that he can lay on the floor with them, watch them get out every toy they own and then never make them clean it up or help me by cleaning it up?
So then, the next day, I have the mess from the night before plus all of the new mess they will make in the mornings during “let’s trash the house day”. That sounds like the most fun I will ever have in my life.
More issues were discussed and solved and really, I can understand his frustration. He and I are not, by nature, messy people. We, apparently, did not pass on that wonderful, obsessive trait to my children. So I am not angry at him and really do concur that some thing has to be done. And since he really is not here very often, I lovingly embrace his naivity.
And I do admit that were I to use my time more wisely and not blog, or post on Facebook, or waste time chatting with friends, I could probably get everything he expects to be done…. done. Because after working really hard all day at a high stress position to put food on the table, it really is a small thing to ask. But as it has been established, I choose to waste some time each day for my sanity.
But if I ever hear again that I – translation he – would be happier if I followed his suggestions on how to run my household, I might have to chop off the very organ that created said household!
What a wonderful post. It brings back memories.
Everything gets better as the children get older. I had four wonderful but messy children. Nothing will ever be the same but it does get better as they grow older and go to school.
You have no idea how much I loved this. I was having my own "I do everything and he does nothing" moment tonight while washing dishes while he watched the baseball game. Thanks!
O.M.G. You husband is my husband. I have had the exact same conversations and arguments that you do. Finally, someone who understands. Most women I know have husbands that don't care what the house looks like at all. Not mine. He is in the bathroom as I type this scrubbing the grout with a toothbrush
LOL!! See- I knew if I posted this I would find kindred spirits!! It has to get better – it can't get much worse! LOL ;)
Thank you for reading!
Hah! This made me laugh out loud. :) I only have two children, which I find utterly overwhelming. I cannot imagine a third. But the idea of somehow a quiet magic of cleanliness settling over the house mid-afternoon is just beautifully delusional.
But I'm wondering…why did he stop helping after the third child? And how, even with his help, did you stay on top of things with a child and an infant? My husband is very helpful and we live in a disaster pit and eat–OK, we eat pretty well (albeit late, as I cook after both children go to bed). Our laundry is never done and the kitchen stays clean for about four minutes before getting wrecked again.
By the time Megan came along, things had started picking up at work, When she was 6 months, we moved to what he "thought" he wanted— a major fixer upper on an acre of land. So, now, he is stressed, overworked, and upset because he never has time to fix up the house. His Dad dies in there too and he may never admit it, but I think he's a little depressed. So, he just does not have it in him anymore. We'll get back to it… in the meantime though, I'd like him to shut it. LOL
PS: this house is pretty clean considering, he always has a hot meal, and the laundry is done so… LOL
And I am on my fe
.. and on top of it? I am on my feet all day and all night – cept when I sit down here. It's very hard to keep up and I am never "all done"
It's hard taking care of a apthold and a baby while in constant pain. Hubby busts his ass off at work so I try and do as much as possible so he can just relax. But he knows to not leave his dirty clothes around the apt yet he does anyway, it'd be nice if he took the trash bag out every once in a while ( let it sit by the door and see if he'll do it. But no I end up doing it. I love him with all my heart but it'd be nice if he could just do the littlest thing to help me out every once in a while. :P