Dear applicant to the position of M O M:

Thank you for your interest in this position.  The fact that you want it already shows your incredible lack of care for your current lifestyle, hip width, smooth skin, and blissful, sleeping nights.

It also shows that your heart is so big, it might explode without little loves to fill it.

That being said, I want to be candid about this position and the {lack of} monetary pay that comes with it.

There has been a lot of talk in the news this past week about how much a mom would be worth if she were paid for her job.  Don’t worry, it is just a guess, because you never will, actually, be paid for this job!

The harsh reality is that, whether you work outside of the home or not, Momhood is hard, frustrating, tiring, and sometimes side splitting funny!  And it is not for everyone.  To be brutally honest.

But, despite the “breakdown” of tasks in the media, it is also full of moments and decisions that can not be categorized and given a monetary value.

For instance, where do you place the inevitable poop explosion, spit up projection, and leaky diaper?  You know, the one that leaks on your white pants that you pressed and put on at the very last minute so as not to get a speck on them before you head off to the wedding?  The only pair in your closet that fits you without causing comment about your muffin top?

And the part of the job that calls for interference because one daughter is hitting and yelling at the other for taking the orange cat instead of the yellow cat.  You know, the ones that look just alike, that could be confused as the same toy were you not keenly aware that one thinks one is orange and one thinks the other is yellow?  The ones you purposely got exactly alike so these fights could be avoided?  The ones that make you fear your children color blind?

Does that go under referee?  Teacher?  Insane asylum alum?

A large part of your job will be that of housekeeping.  Do not be swayed by the pretty little number that they say moms should get for that.  It is apples to sedatives.

Last time I had a housekeeper, she came to a quiet house at 8am {because I was at McDonald’s with said kids so she would not be bothered}, cleaned for 2 hours, left at 10am with cash in her pocket and a sense of accomplishment.

I, personally, clean from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed, often past midnight.  I never get any task completed to the extent I would like, never have a quiet house to clean, and have never been paid nor gotten to leave after I was done.  There is almost never a feeling of accomplishment because when something does get done, something else gets undone!

As for the “chefs” pay, I wonder, do actual chefs get the constant, “I don’t like this!  I don’t want it!  I want hot dogs, and macaroni and cheese, and corn!  NOW!”? at every single meal?  And when was the last time you were at a restaurant, did not like your food, and threw the whole plate of food on the floor?  Only to have someone immediately rush over, calmly clean it up, and serve you a fresh plate?

Yes, we can certainly calculate what someone would make if they took this job.  On a part time, gets to leave work and relax after a long day, temporary basis.  And we can certainly monetize what certain tasks might be worth.

But can I put an actual price on motherhood for you?  What about the unseen, the uncategorized, the priceless?

How much is a mother’s kiss on a boo boo worth?  A hug after a long day of school?  A smile when she is scared and needs that extra security?  Or the heart shaped pancakes and the grilled cheese sandwiches that are cut the perfect way?

Can there be a price put on the late night snuggles after a nightmare, bursting pride that radiates when the training wheels come off, and the fact that Mom always remembers that pink is her favorite color and purple is her sisters?

I didn’t think so.

But, if you should still want this job, you are hired.  Because this mommy needs a manicure, pedicure, nap, massage, and long, lingering break.  And possibly stronger earplugs.

But when I am done, I want them back.  All of them.  The good, the bad, the frustrating, and the precious.

Because I am their Mom…  and it takes more than a job application to qualify for this job!

It takes love.

**I wrote this post because I wanted to.  As an added bonus, it qualifies for a free trip to BlogHer with Lovable Labels.

Enter Here!**