This post will probably have no direction what so ever. I just want to talk. And I trust and love my readers so here we go.
I do not know what is going on with me these days. All I want is to be alone and not be bothered with kids, husbands, life, bills, extended family, or even my dogs. I just want to curl up in a little ball with a good book and never escape the beauty of learning from other people’s words.
I have the patience level of zero – actually – probably negative numbers, and no desire to function as an actual productive member of society.
I do not think it is depression. I am pretty good at recognizing those symptoms. But it is as if the stress level in my life has reached such an insane pitch that my brain is literally shutting down and my ability to cope has run off to join an asylum. But I am much too disinterested to go find it.
It makes no sense really. I have a good husband who is trying to fight the good fight with me, three sweet, fun loving, happy kids, and a nice little house on a beautiful acre in an amazing neighborhood.
I should be singing happy praises from every mountaintop. Instead, I am feeling – well – ungrateful.
I suppose the onslaught of bad news does this to people. I have heard of it from friends before. Where despite the obviousness of good fortune and happiness, certain times become unbearable. And instead of embracing the good they let the bad run their day – zapping them of any optimism whatsoever.
I miss having patience for the constant barrage of questions from my children. The insane amount of wants and needs being thrown at me every minute. And the ability to think that cleaning up their 75000 mess of the day is just cute.
I miss mommying and hate worrying.
In the end, I suppose, this too shall pass. There is nothing going on that can not be fixed with time and effort. I am just kinda of tired of putting all of the effort in right now, you know?
Anyway- there is not much that can be done today to fix the issues. But somehow I will have to dig through and find the patience, energy, and love of life to guide my children with. Instead of almost rolling my eyes when they tell me they want me to sit down and play another endless game of Matching with them.
I am sure now that I have talked it out with you guys, things will get better. That is generally how it works after all. Things get tough and I just want to talk.
Thanks for listening!
I’m listening and I am proud of you for talking about this. Sometimes we need it out of our systems and we pray it falls on non-judgmental ears that will tell you you’re being ridiculous. You’re not by the way. You have every right to your emotions. Sometimes being sad or depressed doesn’t need a reason. I myself am currently in a dark depression and while I have reasons why I’m sad, I have tons of reasons why I should be thankful…yet when you’re in this fog you can’t see them.
What helps me is to writed down 3 things at the end of the day that made me smile. It can be as simple as having a nice warm coffee while your wee one sleeps (cause isn’t peace glorious) or something hilarious like my son yelling from the toilet “Mom, I’m taking a dump in here”…it kind of centers your mind on the good.
And yes, this comment is all over the place and probably makes no sense. I just wanted you to know that I am listening and am sending you giant hugs. You will get through this.
PS. If anyone tells you to snap out of it, kick them in the jeans. That should make you smile ;)
LOL!! Thank you Kimberly. I am sorry that you are in a funk too. I wish I could be happy and gofy and pleasant all of the time but I just can’t. It is not my nature to sugar coat reality!
PS: Your son’s comment had be laughing out loud!! :D
I am listening, and i completely relate. I was worried it was my depression coming back but i think i am just uber-stressy too :(
Have a shoulder or an ear for you whenever! :)
I hope, too, that is id uber stress! It is funny how it all has the same type of symptoms after a while, huh? BIG HUGS to you and thank you fore reading and sharing. I knew just talking about it would make it more ok! ;D
sounds like you need a drink or an evening out with the girls!
I suffer from depression, once I spent 19hrs in bed… no reason. But you get out of bed and you dress yourself and you carry on because “tomorrow is another day.” And it is always good to “just smile, cause it will only be a bad day for a few more hours.”
Thank you Eschelle! And yes, it is always better to look on the bright side and try to dampen the dark. I think I am just overwhelmed and shutting down – which could lead to a depression. But I have you guys and that makes it almost impossible to let myself slide!
I feel the way you feel sometimes. Sometimes I just want to take it all back and be by myself again. I think I would rather be alone. The feeling passes and I am dumbstruck as to why I would actually think like that. But it comes and goes. The only part I hate about being a woman are the hormones and mood-swings. I could really do without it. I hope you are feeling better.
Thank You Aprile!! And you it the nail on the head! Sometimes I think we all just want to just go back sometimes – when things “seemed” easier. But I know when I was there, I was just as overwhelmed sometimes.
I do feel better – mainly because of all of the amazing comments and support I get from the most amazing readers in blog land!
I am listening and can totally relate. Sometimes, I just want to pack up and go on vacation without the rest of my life run away from the worries and find a beach and a big umbrella. Then as I am imagining my bliss, I picture my children without me HOW would they ever manaage with Dad holding down the fort OH my! Then that just adds to my worry and stress level and of course No BLISS. This day will pass and a better one around the corner until then we are listening.
OMG – can you imagine the hubs alone with the kids for a week while I go sit under an umbrella?!? LOL I left just for this weekend and it was -errrr – interesting?!? LOL Yes, no matter how much I want to escape, I can not imagine my life without my hubs and kids. Not THAT would be something to be depressed about! Thank you April!
These feelings you have? Normal.
Or so I’m told by others after describing a similar ailment.
I think of it as “Groundhog Day” Syndrome. Our lives are the same. Every. Day.
Sure, some variations happen, but if we allow ourselves to, we become trapped in a rut of chores, the same games, and stuck between the walls of our house all day. Every. Day.
Even the good days can drive one seeking the one thing we do not have as stay at home mothers – TIME ALONE.
You’re not crazy.
You’re a mother.
And you need a break.
Try scheduling a day where you do just that. Take the day off to go shopping, or whatever else you want to do, even it’s go to movie or sit on your computer reading blogs, books, or watching DVDs. Just do it outside of the house, ensuring no interruptions.
Call a friend and have a GNO. Very healing.
Have play dates during the days to break up monotony. Get out. Go places with friends.
Join a gym with childcare.. Get a hot shower.
Whatever works, switch up what you’re doing – it goes a long way to reducing the urge to lock ourselves in a dark closet where no one can find us.
Very true and I agree! But if I tell you that I just got back from girls weekend Sunday night would you throw a shoe at me and hope you hit me square in the forehead?
Thing is, I think we need a break to get things done. Not necessarily to get out sometimes. I would LOVE if someone would come take my kids for the day and I could get caught up on everything that I try to do every day but never gets done because I keep having to tend to the kids.
But really, I think I need an entire month without bad news. Without drama. Without fears.
Now THAT would be gureat!! ;D
No shoe throwing required either. I often “disappear” for a day on the weekend to accomplish all the things that have sat stagnant during the week. Like laundry, cleaning, organizing… etc.
We need that time too, I agree.
Also an entire girls weekend means the house was probably in worse shape when you returned – giving you weekend hangover. :-)
HAHAHAHA!! SEE why I love my readers?!?! total understanding!! ;D
Yes… it was trashed! And I left it clean!
oh my gosh, this post couldn’t have come at a better time. This is exactly how I feel right at this moment. I was actually crying earlier. I just NEED a break from the house, the kids, the chores, even the hubby. I NEED a break from everything. I am extremely exhausted and at the end of my rope. It’s good to know, though, that I’m not alone. I hope that you’ll be able to recover from this moment. I hope I do too.
Anyway, I’m a new follower from the Wonder Wednesday Blog Hop. Really looking forward to reading more from you. Thanks.
((HUGS)) This is exactly why I write these posts. Because no matter how whiny I may seem, there is always 1 (usually more) person who can relate to me and know they are not alone! I am so sorry you are here too. This mommyhood thing is harder than it looks and we all need love and support and a place to admit that it is hard!! Welcome and I look forward to getting to know you too!
i feel you, girl. thanks for your honesty….it reminds me that i’m not alone. i just started taking a new medication, and i’m hoping that coupled with therapy every other week, it will help. i, too, miss having patience and just laughing. i laugh, but i cry way more. and i know a lot of it IS stress. panic attacks are becoming more frequent (or, the beginning of them…i am able to kick them when i feel them coming on) because i just can’t calm down. i was never this person. i’m falling apart, i fear, and every day that slips away is another day gone that i should have been cherishing my family.
thanks for understanding me enough that i feel comfortable telling you all this!! wish we could go hang out with some margaritas somewhere!!
i hope things start looking calmer for you. the warm weather and being able to go do things should help. key word “should,” lol. hope today is a good one!
Oh girl!! Bring on the Rita’s!! I am always here for you!! I am so glad you went to see someone too! I always have my dr on speeddial in case the stress sends me into a depression or attack. So far, knock on monitor, I am ok. Writing and talking to amazing women like you helps a TON!!