This post will probably have no direction what so ever. I just want to talk. And I trust and love my readers so here we go.
I do not know what is going on with me these days. All I want is to be alone and not be bothered with kids, husbands, life, bills, extended family, or even my dogs. I just want to curl up in a little ball with a good book and never escape the beauty of learning from other people’s words.
I have the patience level of zero – actually – probably negative numbers, and no desire to function as an actual productive member of society.
I do not think it is depression. I am pretty good at recognizing those symptoms. But it is as if the stress level in my life has reached such an insane pitch that my brain is literally shutting down and my ability to cope has run off to join an asylum. But I am much too disinterested to go find it.
It makes no sense really. I have a good husband who is trying to fight the good fight with me, three sweet, fun loving, happy kids, and a nice little house on a beautiful acre in an amazing neighborhood.
I should be singing happy praises from every mountaintop. Instead, I am feeling – well – ungrateful.
I suppose the onslaught of bad news does this to people. I have heard of it from friends before. Where despite the obviousness of good fortune and happiness, certain times become unbearable. And instead of embracing the good they let the bad run their day – zapping them of any optimism whatsoever.
I miss having patience for the constant barrage of questions from my children. The insane amount of wants and needs being thrown at me every minute. And the ability to think that cleaning up their 75000 mess of the day is just cute.
I miss mommying and hate worrying.
In the end, I suppose, this too shall pass. There is nothing going on that can not be fixed with time and effort. I am just kinda of tired of putting all of the effort in right now, you know?
Anyway- there is not much that can be done today to fix the issues. But somehow I will have to dig through and find the patience, energy, and love of life to guide my children with. Instead of almost rolling my eyes when they tell me they want me to sit down and play another endless game of Matching with them.
I am sure now that I have talked it out with you guys, things will get better. That is generally how it works after all. Things get tough and I just want to talk.
Thanks for listening!