I am all done with taking care of kids late into the night. All done. Finished. Kaput. Throwing in the towel. Calling in the big dogs. Done.
Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done!
DONE!
Megan is up. It is 10:58 pm. This is her third night in a row to be up. Monday she went down at 7:30 pm, woke at 10 pm, and was up until 1:30 am. Tuesday, she went down at 7:30 pm, woke at 11 pm and was up until 3 am! Granted, she is sick. She has a runny nose and a slight fever. Most likely teething from the swollen gum lines that I can clearly see from Mars. Poor baby.
BUT THAT IS NO EXCUSE!!
Because I am onto her. And my other children. Every time I manage to get more than three hours of sleep at night, they punish me relentlessly by teething, getting sick, having an upset stomach, or other ailments that can be proven by thermometer and prescriptions, but is obviously a ploy.
I am tired of it.
I honestly can not remember the last time I slept eight hours. Maybe I have crawled into bed, exhausted from taking kids back to bed, feeling foreheads, changing icky diapers, and just holding and calming, at 2 am or 3 am and gotten to sleep until 7 am – and if I am lucky, 8 am. That is a good night, and very, very rare. But if I do have one of those nights, I still have my husband getting up at 5 am or 6am and almost always waking me up. Not because he means to. It is just how I am programmed now. Movement in the house? I am on it!
I could just cry.
You know? That frustrated, I have tried everything, am at a complete loss, just make it stop, frustration that leads to tears, cry? The cry that starts in my belly, tracks to my lungs, and comes spewing out of my tensed shoulders, taking my breath away, along with any control over emotion that may have been hanging by a thread.
The lack of sleep is ruining my personality. Seriously. I can’t focus, am detached from my daily routine – probably sleep deprived depression, have no energy to do what I want to do, and am really hard to live with. Ask my husband. He sees the correlation and tries to help. He gives me nights to sleep. And I appreciate it. But he is a hard sleeper and almost never hears the kids when they get up. And even if he did, they seek me out. Banging on locked doors at 1 am, begging for my attention.
I have a weight problem because of my lack of sleep. I do. I can’t lose it because I binge late night as an, “I feel sorry for myself snack.” and I crave unhealthy things that I am too tired to fight. Every diet in the world says get eight hours of sleep a night. I am here to tell you… without sleep, dieting is useless! USELESS!
And then there is the guilt. The guilt of knowing that my kids are not sleeping well either. Guilt fueled by people telling me that they followed a plan, or a book, or a better, more superior schedule than I do. Their kids sleep through the night. Their kids slept through the night at three months and have never woken since. They are thin, happy, well rounded, and have the energy to have an amazing sex life. I respect them. I really do. They got it right. I did not.
But before the barrage of great advice comes my way, which I will appreciate and listen to – honest, I will – I want to say that I do do cry it out. I do the put them back in bed without a word thing. I do the taking toys away thing. I do the ignore them thing. I do every single little thing that I have ever heard someone even slightly mention to try, thing. I have. Sometimes they work. Sometimes they work well. On one or two kids.
And then one gets sick. Or has a nightmare. Or pees out of their Pull up. Or misses me.
And I am up. Again. For the fourth year in a row. At a loss. Feeling like a night time failure. Knowing it is damaging me. Knowing I know better. Knowing that this post alone will raise eyebrows at my parenting skills.
And knowing one day, they won’t need me at night. And I will miss it.
But, I’ll be honest…. it seriously sucks right now!
I'm right there with you. We're three + years and counting. My first kid slept like a champ… the second is the worst sleeper ever. And on the nights that the little one sleeps the oldest has nightmares, anxiety attacks, loses her stuffed dog, or whatever else is wrong.
I sleep trained the "baby," but she has asthma so it was always cry, cry, cry, sleep great for three days… gets sick, needs nighttime treatments and gets used to being up again. Rinse and repeat ad nauseum.
This morning I woke up and it felt like I'd barely taken a nap.
One day we will sleep! And I don't know if I'll miss the middle of the night wake-ups!
Just wanted you to know you weren't alone awake in the middle of the night!
Thanks Jessica! I sincerely appreciate it! I am sorry that this is what we have in common but I am glad we can at least offer support! (((HUGS))) One day… ;)
There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a a form of torture! If it's any consolation, Brady (18 months) generally still wakes up once a night to where one of us has to go up there. The past few nights Lauren has been waking up about 3 and singing. The first night was short and i thought in her sleep, but the second night was too loud and went on way too long to be in her sleep. what is she singing, you ask? "Stuck like Glue" by Sugarland (she's 4). She says she couldn't go back to sleep and she wanted us to hear her singing??? I told her it's amazing the whole street didn't wake up. Last night, no singing… yea!
Oh, Lori, PLEASE quit blaming yourself. EVERY kid is different. Every kid has different needs. It is NOT your fault that they don't sleep well! I promise. Some times, there is just NOTHING you can do. I mean, you keep trying your best, but you CAN'T "FIX" THEM. Books can't fix them. Other people's advice and opinions can't fix them. I know your frustration. I really, really do. I only have two, but they have given me enough problems, especially Kaden, who had to be the worst sleeping baby of all time. Luckily for me, he suddenly grew out of it, and sleeps like an angel 9 out of 10 nights. I finally weaned Braxton from nursing 3, 4, 5, 10 times a night, but he still wakes me 2 or 3 times. I consider myself lucky at this point though (and I can't stand it when other women complain about their infants waking up once or twice a night!) Any way, you are not alone and it is not your fault. It is what it is, and one day it will be better. That doesn't make it any easier at this moment, I know. In the past, I wanted to punch DH when he would say it won't last forever. Well, duh, but that doesn't help me right now! Anyway, that's all I have, but call me (any time after 4 eastern) if you need someone to vent to!
Lori, I could have written this IDENTICAL post, except I have only one kiddo–a 15-mo-old son who has been a terrible sleeper since day one. I am SO not judging you. I am right there with you.
I have lost my social life. I have lost my will to do pretty much ANYTHING other than lay on the couch and/or attempt to sleep. I know I would be a happier, more fun, easier to get along with person if I slept better. A "great" night of sleep to me is 4 or 5 hours of sleep over a 10-hour period of trying to sleep. Pathetic. I'm awake pretty much every 60-90 minutes ALL night long, EVERY night. And then I work full-time on top of it, totally exhausted and trying to do a good job.
I really feel your pain. It is my pain too. I've tried every trick, read a million books, etc. And the worst part, well there are two worst parts–1) people judging us like we ruined our kids' sleep because of something we did or didn't do, and 2) the guilt we have knowing how important sleep is for our little ones' development but not knowing how to help them, if it's even possible given how hard we've already been trying. I struggle with these issues daily.
Anyway, sorry for the long rant. (And I could go on!) I wish you a huge sudden turning point that will give you many peaceful nights.
My daughter was a colicky baby. Once we left the hospital, we spent the first several months with her crying almost constantly and me crying too. I did eventually find out what was bothering her so badly (she was allergic to my milk). If you want to feel like a complete failure as a parent try finding out something about you is actually bad for your child. It did get better though, with no help from those with good intentions telling me all their tricks for perfect babies. The best thing about these situations is it was a perfect chance for me to show my child that I am there for her, that I am willing to comfort even if I'm not always sure what the comfort is for.
WOW! I am NOT alone?? Can I tell you I am shocked?? How refreshing! Though I wish we all shared that our children were mensa bound…. But hey!
Thank you guys for making me feel so much better about the sleepless nights!