God has a way of making me forget things, I think.  Because every morning I get up, and probably due more to severe sleep deprivation than anything – but we’ll give it to God, I could use the points, have forgotten how disturbing my kids can be.  When I see them starting their weirdness, it all comes rushing back.  And I again start a new round of “What the hell is wrong with these people?” 

Now I expect normal stuff.  Picking of the nose is a classic childhood favorite.  It grosses me out to no end but does not make me want to commit my children immediately.  I expect the playing with dog food, picking at mosquito bites until they bleed and the occasional let’s taste the bug episodes.  I was a child once myself after all.  Still kinda am but that is a whole other post! 

And then there are the ones that make me scratch my head and think that not only were they switched at birth, but we got the offspring of some really um, er… interesting people.   And even though some of it is taboo and no one ever talks about it, I am hanging it all out here!  Just call me a trailblazer…

I know that Katie, at times, is the child of a porn star… not that there is anything wrong with that.  She has this habit of humping that drives me up the ever living freaking fracking botanical wall!  It seriously is the most frustrating and disturbing things she does.  She has done it since about 2 years old.  Literally sits on the floor going to town without a care in the world.  When she started this little action, the Pediatrician tried to make us feel better and said it was normal, that we should not make a big deal out of it and, as she aged, it would be come less frequent.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

This child is attempting to start her career early, I tell you!  Why I couldn’t film a sweet little voice of a future rock star, or the elegant twirls of an aspiring ballerina, I don’t know.  I guess God is paying me back for my teen years.  I mean, seriously, what am I supposed to do?  See her humping, go grab the video camera and run, smile on my face, lest I miss the red face, grunting and pure determination that accompanies these episodes?  Maybe E! will want it one day for her True Hollywood Story.  Katie: It Started with Humping. 

I    can’t    wait. 

If I knew that other children actually did this, I would not feel like one day I will be lying into a camera “Her father and I are very proud.”  But I know of one…  ONE other child who does this as well.  One plus Katie does not equal normal! 

And nothing stops it!  No amount of ignoring, begging, explaining or reasoning keeps her from plopping down, right in front of me and getting into the moment.  It is gross and I hate it.  And with age, it has gotten more frequent and we’ll say, more animated.  So, yet again, my child does not fit the norm. 

I’ll write it in her baby book.

Sarah’s has a myriad of weird actions.  All of which I am very, very proud.

Her most disturbing is chalk consumption.   We are not talking about just a teeny bite of chalk, or even the chewing and spitting out of said chalk.  We are talking chalk in hand, eating it like a carrot.  The waskally wabbit would eat chalk all day, every day if I would let her.  It is disgusting. 

We stopped buying chalk, we did.  But she finds it.  Between the three girls, we almost always have some from presents, other kids bringing it over and Sarah steals chalk from other people’s houses.  I believe she is now a fugitive.  Even when we put it in a box marked vegetables and store it on the top shelf, she somehow gets it.

Surly it can not be good for her, no matter how non- toxic it is.  We thought it was a medical issue and had her tested for PICA.  She was negative but was anemic.  We took care of the anemia.  So other than the plain fact that she is a circus clown’s child, there really is no reason for her obssession!  Unless it is to see how incredibly appetizing she can make her poop!  Seriously nothing more fun than seeing a mixture of pink, green and blue poop!  

As an added bonus, Sarah has now added hair twirling to her list of exciting new habits.  We are not talking the cute little flip of the hair when we are flirting.  This is full on, twist the hair into knots, OCD behavior.  I have put in a call the Dr. Phil.  She twists it day and night and gets it into such tangles that it induces tears, on my part, and an entire bottle of anti- tangle spray to get them out.  Then she is left with a broken, split end, frizzy hair do that is barely reminiscent of her previous beautiful locks. 

We are at a loss.  You would think the pain of the untangling routine would stop her but no.  She is determined to be her true self-  Cher’s daughter. 

Megan is my Daughter.  At least, as of now, she has exhibited no behavior that makes me run to my how to raise children books, scouring them for 2 line solutions that are never there, wishing that I had a miracle cure.  But alas, one day, sooner than I would like, I will be blogging about how she likes to eat Barbie doll toes.

I suppose one day, they will all outgrow these habits or at least replace them with new ones.  Until then, Rhianna’s song Disturbia will run through my head every time I see my girls engaging in these behaviors.  My hips will bounce and I will sing along, making up the words since I have never really gotten to hear the song all the way through. 

I’ll bite my nails, continuously put my hair up and down from its nubbin, and wonder for the thousandth time where these kids could have possibly gotten their crazy habits that make them so weird!