I wrote this post yesterday afternoon while feeling quite blue. Last night, I put everyone to bed and went to the grocery store. I have not gone in over two weeks, relying on the pantry overflow and my husband for the necessities. I strolled down every aisle, looked at every deal, and lost myself in the money saving game of shopping. I loved it.
I got home last night full of energy, ready to tackle all things Lori and that feeling still lasts today.
It just goes to show you what a few hours alone, no matter what you are doing, can recharge a battery!
But I thought I would post this anyway – because I know it will come back and I know I am not the only one. Please enjoy and share with your friends!
We all have our bad days. I know this. Days when I want to crawl back under the covers and not come out until a nanny has been hired, the chef has cooked me some comfort food, and my kids have suddenly learned that repeating themselves 6000 times will not get them different results.
And then there are the bad weeks that can stretch into months. When I can’t seem to get my feet under me or my head wrapped around the reality of the days. When I want to sit and stare and not be bothered.
I suppose that is where I am now. Depressed. Not clinically depressed, I don’t think, and since I have struggled with the disease since I was a young teenager, I am pretty aware of the signs. I am just in a deep funk. One I can not seem to dig myself out of.
There are various reasons. I told my husband that I feel like I just “suck” at everything. He, of course, being a wonderful – self preserving – kind of guy, said he could think of nothing I was bad at. I smiled, patted his back like an unaware young child, and went back to my self deprecating rant.
When I was younger and hit one of these funks, I just changed things. I went on a trip, or self medicated with night after night at a favorite bar, or called all of my friends and threw a huge party for no reason.
I can’t do that anymore. I have too many young kids, no money for excursions of any kind, friends who are busy with their own lives and also have an impossible time picking up and heading out to rejuvenation lane. So this time, the depression seems more…. depressing.
I’ve tried to upgrade my mood internally. I’ve smiled at my children’s antics, spent hours on the floor engulfing myself in their laughter, and calling and talking to dear friends for hours. But it seems harder to get out of it now. I don’t know why, but it does.
As an added bonus to the internal struggles, I have three daughters that are a little too aware not to notice Mommy’s mood change. They know more than we give them credit for, I think. I know that Katie’s anger and frustration is a result of my lack of energy. I know Sarah’s constant whining is a sign that she is feeling off kilter because her Mom is too. And Megan, even at 19 months, seems more clingy and almost fearful now. Like her security blanket got caught in the dryer and she is terrified we’ll never get it out.
My knowledge of their reactions to my sudden tears, lack of direction, fading energy, and short patience level is devastating in itself. I’ve never really had anyone that truly counts on me witness my bouts.
And so with the depression comes guilt. Guilt because I know I am not the same mother that they are accustomed to. The quick to smile, eager to play, happy go lucky mom of times past. The one who wants to venture out with them in exploration, instead of just putting them outside to come up with games on their own. The kind of mom who sat down and colored with them, created with them, and read endlessly to them.
The kind of mother they deserve.
Every day. No matter what.
Depression affects more than me now. It affects my children, my parenting, my marriage, and my friendships. And I can not wait until I can snap out of it. So that I can return to my normal self.
Until then, I have a duty to fake it. Or I could do permanent damage to those I love.
And then I’d really have something to be depressed about!
Oh honey… I am sorry that you are under this. I don't know if anyone has ever told you that you can have relief. Jesus brings relief. He brings peace to your life. Don't write me off yet, just hear my out. I know this from experience as do many other people.
If you are wondering how to give your life to Him, here is a link that will help you. It will only take a few minutes to read but will be worth it. You can even ask God to open your mind and your heart so that you can understand how to get to Him.
Here is a great article on depression relief: http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/CBNTeachingSheets/Depression.aspx
If you'd like to talk further, you can come to my blog and email me. (www.homeward4.blogspot.com) I have already prayed for you!
You are very loved!
Oh no offense! Jesus is very much a center in our lives and I love your site! But we all have to admit, sometimes we just get down! And it can last a while. Thank you for caring to comment!
I come from a long line of clinically depressed people (I am not). I know exactly what you mean. I get through spurs of depression and funk myself and I recognize it. January and February are the worth months and even people in good mental health get the winter blues.I've been in a funk lately myself and even wrote a post last week how to prevent winter blues.
Hang in there, we'll get through it.
Thank you for following me at Daily Organized Chaos and I am your newest follower.
After the holidays is a common time to feel depressed. Some blame winter also. I am glad you understand how it effects your children. My mother never figured that out. Sometimes we have to fake it till we make it! Just the fact that you are worried about it shows me that you are a wonderful mom!
I struggle with these times as well. Glad you decided to still post this.
Thanks Branson and Rachel! I figure at some point we all do. Especially if we are home with little kids all day. I am glad I posted it too. It was cleansing and today was a much better day!
I think this is a rough time of year. I've been in a little bit of a funk myself, and I completely get the "faking it". I saw that you said today was a better day, and I'm glad!
So sorry you going through this rough period. I kind of understand how you feel because I do the same thing. Sometimes the "funks" seem so hard to pull out of. Have you tried a good cry? Just a time when you can go sit in the shower and let it all come out with NO interruptions, jut you and the warm water and then maybe a night out with your sweetheart if it is nothing more then a box store (if you like to read) and ice cream.. Anyway good luck… This time of year always seems to be bad for me too.
I have struggled with those funky times for what seems my whole life. That is awesome that you were able to escape for a while to recharge your batteries.
Thanks for following my blog, LaBelladiva . . . I follow your blog as well :)
Have a wonderful Thursday . . . Gina
. . . and many more!