When my daughter hates me, a part of me feels like it is dying. Hate is a particularly strong word coming from anyone, but coming from your child it stings even more. As a single mom it can be particularly tough dealing with these types of situations. Kids can hate you for a number of different reasons, but most of them boil down to the fact that you are asking (or telling) them not to do something they clearly want to do. Hating us appears to be the kid’s way of getting back. There are a number of cliches that I could give you here, but they are not going to help out much. For example, what good would it do to say:
She’ll grow out of it.
It’s a phase.
She is just growing into herself. (What in the world does THAT even mean?)
These are all true and they all have some merit, but what can you really do with that? No, I want to give you some meat and potatoes here to work with. I want to share what you should do. To that end, here are some tips to try and remember when your daughter looks at you with anything other than love:
Create some space – The first thing you should do when your kid is hating on you is to create some space. Kids are going to be much more apt to mess up verbally if you are standing there. Give them some room to deflate. More importantly, create some space for yourself. Whatever you child has to say when they are in that “MODE” is not something you even need to hear. Let them throw their tantrum all by their lonesome until they calm down.
Understand that emotional outbursts from you will empower your kid – When you take what they say personally and react, you are essentially giving them the napalm to blow up more often. Your emotional reaction will make them feel powerful and without meaning too, you will be creating a future problem. Conversely, not reacting shows them that they are wasting their energy and time blowing up. Why do it if nobody is going to react?
Lower your voice and keep it there – This will be hard because you will likely want to scream. Resist the urge and calmly and rationally walk away. Shut doors if you can and even consider stepped outside if need be. Whatever the case, go on about your day and whatever you were doing before they started hating you. It will pass quickly.
Reserve punishments for when they calm down – There is absolutely no point in grounding your child during the heat of the moment. They won’t get the purpose and you will be reacting irrationally. Take the time to consider everything equally and then dole out punishments that make sense when they are willing to listen.
Remember that threats lose you credibility – It does not good to threaten your child with punishments. Punishments are better served when the are not brought up until after the fact. If a child gets a particular punishment and it is not particularly distasteful to them, they might just grab hold of it and not care that they are being punished. Not knowing what punishment is coming is far more effective.
Always end with a hug – They may not like it and might even still “hate” you, but that is not the message you should send back to them. Give them a hug and kiss and explain that you are only looking out for their best interests. It is the best you can do when your daughter hates you, right?
What do you do when your children are hating on you? Do you have any effective methods of parenting in this situation that you would like to share?
I was taken aback finding this post in my triberr feed this morning. My daughter was told me she hates me during tantrums and outbursts before and it really doesn’t even faze me. However, recently she has taken to saying “mean” things to me for no apparent reason and last night she doing the same. I asked her why she was talking to me that way and she said “because I hate you.” I asked her why she only speaks that way to me and not to daddy. “Because I don’t hate him. I only hate you.” I didn’t know how to react to that. This was not an angry kid lashing out. My husband and I parent in very similar ways so it’s not as if we have a “good cop bad cop” thing happening here. It really was like a knife to the heart to hear my 4 year old speak to me like that, so matter of fact.