Years ago, with a brand new 3 year old, an 18 month old and a 3 week old, I got some advice that has run through my mind almost daily. I thought it was great parenting advice at the time. I did. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it is great advice or advice meant to shame me into being a totally, 100%, never feels she can take a break, mother.
“You just have to figure it out on your own.”
At the time we were battling a family emergency. My second daughter, Sarah, had developed a stomach virus and had been rushed to the Children’s hospital due to severe dehydration. There I was, a brand new 3 week old in the carrier, an 18 month old screaming and tired and a 3 year old clinging to me in confused fear. My ex-husband was there too but the girls wanted me. All I wanted to do was to hold Sarah and love her to better health.
When the hospital decided they had to keep Sarah overnight for experimental treatment due to her veins being so dry they collapsed with every pediatric needle they had, my ex took Katie home. It was around midnight. I kept Megan, who was exclusively breast fed and tended to my Sarah who had finally fallen asleep while we waited on the treatment.
Sarah was taken to a special room, me and Megan in tow, thank goodness the baby had just nursed and was fast asleep, and they tried to re-hydrate her through the skin in her back. It worked and I could feel my baby warming up in my arms as her body finally got the liquid it needed. At about 3am, the hospital, convinced she was on the up side, gave me meds for her stomach virus and discharged us. I called the ex and he drove, with a three year old in the middle of the night, to get us.
The next day my ex claimed he had to go to work and I was tired and feeling very overwhelmed. Worried about how I would handle a 3 week old, a sick 18 month old and an energetic three year old, I called some friends for ‘advice’, secretly hoping they would come help me for a little while.
After explaining everything, including my fears and total exhaustion, I waited for them to say, ‘We are on our way.’ Instead, they said, “You just have to figure it out on your own.” I actually felt shame for calling them at all.
I did, obviously, and we all came through the incident with flying colors, me a little more aware of my daughter’s hydration during viruses. But I think I have taken that advice too far. In fact, sharing the story with friends the other day, I was told that the advice was actually selfish and nearsighted.
Since that experience, any time I have become overwhelmed, stressed out, fearful that it was all falling apart around me, I have called no one for help. People have even offered and, if they beg long enough, I give in. But, in general, I just figure it out on my own. Through tears, through sleepless nights and through the stress of three kids and a divorce, the financial strain that followed and any other weight that has born down on me, I have rarely reached out for help.
I actually have this so stuck in my head that these are my kids and no one else brought them into this world so no one else needs to be bothered with them that I had twisted it to think I am a bad mother if I ask. The only way I feel OK getting any help with the kids is to pay someone.
But the reaction to my friends who heard this was shocking to me. Even though they have more kids, or seem to have more on their plate to deal with, they thought it was a selfish viewpoint. They have family on both sides that help out and are very active in their kid’s lives, friends who interchangeably step in to help and are huge believers in the ‘it takes a village‘ to raise a kid theory.
I have made myself an island.
What do you think? Do you think moms have to just suck it up and figure it out on their own or do you think the village should be utilized to help when we need it with no guilt? And how do you accept that help without feeling like a failure and like you now owe them for their kindness?
Yes, the village needs to be mobilized for support and while it may take a village to raise a child, sometimes it takes a child to raise a village. No one should have to go through such stress alone and there are ways to ask for help and receive it and not give up nor give in to self-pity. There is not a great future in believing that we have to always suck it up regardless how bad it might get.
I am an eternal and incurable optimist and believe in the innate goodness of people and their willingness to help when needed. I am also a realist and know that people have their own lives and stresses. In the end, it will be about what we have given to others, the love and compassion we have shown to those in need and what we have been able to give back for what has been given to us.
I absolutely love this. What a great comment on a somewhat complicated issue. I am definitely taking it to heart… thank you so much!
I am a lot like you. The few times early on I silently reached out for help and didn’t get it so I bear the brunt of most of the family stress on my own. My kids’ dad works a lot so he somehow think that makes it okay for him let me do it all. Heck, I work full time too! When do I get to push some of it onto him? Never. However, I knew before bringing my kids into the world that I didn’t have a built in village to help. No grandparents, no family. Just a few friends who really can’t help much. Luckily, preschool opened up some friendships that have remained now into grade school. Other working moms who find juggling it all challenging. We rely on each other for so many things (some not even involving the kids!) and I have even found 1-2 that I actually trust to at least leave my kids with for short periods in order to have a break or allow them to be able to take part in activities that they normally would not be able to (and in turn I take theirs on outings, too!).
Would I have loved to have my mom or lots of family around to help with the stresses associated with having kids? Of course. But because I have to basically do it all myself it has made me stronger in more important ways and I can say that nobody knows my kids as well as I do. When I am not at work, I am with them, they are with me, and I am proud that I have found my own balance that so far works for our family.
Thank you for reaching out!! I so appreciate knowing there are others like me out there! I am sorry that you don’t get more help from your husband… that is not good, they are his kids too. I just keep thinking that we will have a stronger bond with our kids :)
I can only be blunt in saying that what your “friends” said was horrible and ridiculous. When you have 3 children at the ages they were and you at a hospital ugh I know it is in the past but seriously I hope they look back and realize they needed to pull there heads out of there butts and look up friendship. Sorry, yes you figured it out and you all survived but that situation would never have made you a co-dependent friend calling for every little thing. Being a mommy is a lonely stressful amazing job. It never ends and being a single mommy is another ton of bricks on your shoulders. We are already islands just from all of the stresses we add to our lives. Try to build a small life raft to someone who gets you.
I do have a lot of family in the area but I do not want to intrude or seem like I am taking advantage of them. I am also the type of person that has a hard time making friends. It is hard at this stage. Homeschooling, work, keeping the home. Seriously, I would love alone time first but I also realize that I need girl time. Grown up girl time. I hope you find that time and do not feel guilty about it because you are WORTH IT!!!
Thank you so much for commenting. My friend and I are still friends but I never ask for anything as a mom -LOL I have figured it out – so far – and the friends I have that I spend a lot of time with are awesome! But it can be hard to get out and ask for help! Many hugs to you and I so love your comment!!! It means a lot!